Happy Monday all .... I hope all you ladies had a wonderful Mothers Day .. all things considered
Friday night, W came over .... since the separating this was typically a quick exchange, lately she comes in and hangs out for a little bit. She and I laid on my bed, just some pillow talk as she shared her week at work ... I caught myself thinking .. pre BD I would really not wanna hear about her day that much, partly because I had taken her for granted, partly with all the hours I put in back then I was exhausted and really in no state to listen ... that and my listening skills back then were horrible. So I listened, was nice ... little glimpse of the old W.
Saturday, Early baseball game with S, I had got home around 3a.m. from work, back up at 6, walked the dog, went over and picked up S at 7, at the game by 7:30. W showed up 30 minutes late or so .. really did not phase me (Used to) as S was having fun and playing well. Afterwards W wanted to run some errands, S and I went back to my place, then all 3 of us met up for lunch. Again .. pleasant but I was exhausted. W mentioned how good a nap would be, I agreed .. she suggested we nap at my place. So we napped ... was the fist time I have slept with my wife in probably what .. over two years. I slept hard, was a good nap, W too said she slept well. After I had some shopping to do, we agreed on dinner at her place.
Here is where things got a little rocky. We cooked together, really worked well as a team, certain things she prefers to do.. (Cleaning) and certain things I would rather do (prep-Cooking-serving) so dinner went well ... afterwards we got cozy on the couch ... she laid on me and I moved to get comfy ... accidental boob grab, she said "Hey watch it" jokingly .. I made a joking comment after ... no big deal .. continued to watch the movie. Was about 9 and she started in on S to clean up his toys, and his room ... I found it odd ... 9 at night? We were all relaxing ... was like a switch went off and she was back to MLC Monster mode, more directed at S. I decided .. ok .. fun is over I am going to go home, she asked why I was leaving I told her it was time... then some spew started my way, I told her I was not going to fight, nor be treated that way ... I said goodbye to S and left.
Sunday morning I woke up .. took a nice walk, cooked a nice breakfast... then TM W asking if she wanted to go to church, if not I would just go ... she replied she did but at a different church (The mission 45 min away) so I told her I would be there by 10 so we would be on time. I arrive and she is still in Monster mode ... she did not even have to say anything I could see it. We had it out .. she started with the Pity party- mothers day stuff, then said she hates being rushed and I know that, (She had almost 3 hours to get ready) Then brought up the accidental boob thing like I was putting the moves on her, started really ramping up ... so I told her I was going to leave, asked if she wanted me to take S or if she would like to spend Mothers Day with him...this sent her off. She started the suicide talk again ... this time I told her I would call the Sherriff, this lead to her telling me I have no right, to me letting her know I have every right to make sure S is not a witness to her threatening such things, nor being a witness to it if it happened ... to me having every right to protect my son, and to protect her from herself as she clearly needs help and I was willing to help her find it.
Finally she calmed down, we went out for lunch .. no church which kind of upset me. We went to one of the city's really nice parks ... all these things I had planned weeks prior .. figured we should try to salvage the day. W seemed to snap out of it by the time we got downtown. Had a really nice lunch, then at the park S and I tossed around the football .. W even joined in, was a nice day.
After a bit at the park while we were walking I started thinking about the meltdown, I really began to question if that life is what I want. Those meltdowns have been happening pre BD, maybe it was a sign of early MLC .. maybe there have always been there and have just gotten worse, I am not certain. I was deep in thought, wondering if its better to just cut her and this loose. Struck me that I am at that point in all this ... its about what I want .. what I need out of a R or M, and Sunday was definitely not what I wanted nor needed. W noticed I was not 'there' she grabbed my hand and asked what was wrong, I told her nothing .. she smiled and said "mentiroso" ... in spanish that means liar .. was always something she would say to me when she was not buying what I was saying. I was not going to budge... I had my fill with her and the emotions earlier so talking about what was on my mind at that point was not going to get anywhere but another blow up. After that ... alot of hand holding, her grabbing my arm, grabbing my hand on the way home. She knows my LL is physical touch ... but during the spew she brought up the kiss and how she is not 'there' yet ... I was stewing on that a bit ... she went further with OM than just a kiss .. yet seems to be lines when her husband is involved .. yeah .. 2x4 me there but its what I was thinking ... more out of being frustrated and knowing Sunday is not the life I want.
On the way home she mentioned she wanted another nap .. I found that odd as it was almost 6, she shared how much better she sleeps in my bed than "our old one" ... was all I could do to beat off the OM/A images .. still a heavy trigger for me but W seems oblivious at times to that. Anyways I dropped her off, left it in her court if she wanted to come over and nap thats fine, I was going to cook dinner and a bit more for the week.
She ended up not coming over saying she was tired, I cooked an amazing spread, Fajitas, Spanish Rice, and this wonderful Chicken Enchilada Casserole .... I laugh because I am about as German as German can be but I just LOVE the latin food!!
Dropped off S this morning .. early, had it in my mind to just drop and go, honestly wanted no more of the MLC drama ... W gave that soft look and bear hugged me, apologized for being a bad wife, bad person, shared that she is battling things inside, I knew to STFU ... she told me it all started Sat night with the mess, her father used to do the same things she did to S, she said it upset her that she did it and she could not shake it, then she took it out on me. Said she realizes its her who starts the fights, wants to change does not know how, Told me she was going to set up an appt with Father D, and wanted to be more consistent on that ... then asked for a real hug .. I told her I am not sure where the line is with that anymore .. she just nodded her head letting me know she understood and then she started crying. I was really pretty detached ... told them to have a good day, went home grabbed the Harley and rode to work .. amazing what the ride does for me .... almost like a quick IC session.
So thats the weekend update. I am really not sure where I am at ... I feel I was bood with the boundaries of not putting up with the spewr, W really tested that this weekend but I did not move. Its clear the Push/Pull dance is alive and well. I find myself wondering how different this might all be if W was not so co-dependant ... I also wonder if I would still be here had I not have been the same .... I think I am better now .. but I held on when I think most people with better self esteem and self worth would have washed their hands of the entire mess.
I also am not sure I will ever get the A out, during the spew I was pretty good at staying locked up, but that hurt little boy inside was screaming to be let out, to unleash some spew of my own .... truth is I was scared to give into that anger, afraid to unleash the hell that lives inside ... something I need to focus on and work out, realizing now W is not going to make that healing process easy as she has her own plate she needs to clean off.
Hmm.. I see how this can be confusing. Especially to a younger version of Cali.
Think back for a second, Cali. When did you first notice this type of "switch" behavior from calm and collected to rage/spew? Be honest and objective - don't let your feelings cloud things if you can help it. Clinical is the term I believe.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hmm.. I see how this can be confusing. Especially to a younger version of Cali.
Think back for a second, Cali. When did you first notice this type of "switch" behavior from calm and collected to rage/spew? Be honest and objective - don't let your feelings cloud things if you can help it. Clinical is the term I believe.
AJ
That's the thing .. I was thinking about it, seemed like it was a gradual process ... not like just one day she flipped out on a consistent level. That being said if I had to put my finger on it I would say was about 6-7 years ago or so that there was a trending difference starting to form.
Your probably correct in the 6-7 yrs ago. Her crises starts, the malaise of life starts to close in around her. She's unhappy inside. She does not know how to fix it so the depression starts as well.
Easy to lash out when you feel that way. From my observance of life human beings tend to get more negative as they age. Some get more positive, but very rarely do you stay the same.
The transition is hard. It's not till were faced with difficult circumstances that we do the work that we should be doing all along.
Keep on your path. Love hearing how well you are seeing things.
Yeah ... I agree, and if her mother is any indication ... odds are she will be more negative. I always have been a pretty positive person but the past few years I feel like someone/something just sucked out my mojo, I do see myself being different around her at times, and I am not as positive around her as I used to be .... maybe its the hurt, the betrayal .. all those things ... its hard to let that stuff go .... even harder when she seems to want to brush it under the rug and act like it was all just a bad dream.
I agree, and if her mother is any indication ... odds are she will be more negative. I always have been a pretty positive person but the past few years I feel like someone/something just sucked out my mojo, I do see myself being different around her at times, and I am not as positive around her as I used to be .... maybe its the hurt, the betrayal .. all those things ... its hard to let that stuff go .... even harder when she seems to want to brush it under the rug and act like it was all just a bad dream.
To me, this is just a point in time, Cali. What I mean by that is that if you put this in the lens of 50 years vs. 25, it may look different. Only time will tell what work she does on herself to become herself. The herself she is going to be.
As mirage alluded to, nobody stays the same. We learn from our experiences and grow. At different rates and at different times of course.
The pull of becoming like our parents is strong. I remember seeing that turmoil in my ex. She fought that and many other things, but chose to postpone much of that from what I could tell. Ironically, in the end that's what made her more like her mom than before. And that's not a good thing for her that I can tell. It was confusing to watch. My ex, during the thick of it, and some since, seemed to become many different personalities. Not in a clinical sort of way, but like she was searching for herself and couldn't integrate them. She tried on different personalities like coats at one point.
I can only imagine that turmoil from her perspective. And she certainly does not and did not have the tools to deal.
And that's really what the journey is about from my perspective. We as humans keep trying. We keep evolving until we integrate or slough off that which doesn't integrate. i.e. we don't stay the same.
If you had said that she was like that since you knew her, it would be a different thing altogether, Cali. But it sounds more like she is struggling to gain the tools she needs to become and embrace the next stage of her life. That's no easy feat to be sure.
On balance, it sounds more like she is not progressing gracefully, but she is learning. She is integrating. She is trying to figure things out. And that is encouraging for anyone.
Like we said before, what is it you want for her? To restore the marriage at any cost? Or to become human? To grow and hopefully come back and try to restore the marriage?
As for you, there's more to this than just the short term hurt. There are plenty of long term marriages with similar stories to yours, Cali. People don't often talk about it in our society, but if asked, they'll talk about it.
As the balance of the relationship shifts and morphs, your decision is not just about what you want right now. Your heart tells you to get retribution (little boy) to "balance" the relationship. Understandable. But you've grown so much. You can see there's more to this than just that facet of the picture. So much more.
You are not immune to the growth. You are a fast study and learn(t) quickly. You built the tools you needed. The foundation. She hasn't yet, but shows promise. As that happens, you get the joy of reliving all the past hurts and memories to evaluate and put them away. Oh joy, right? Not what you asked for, but maybe what you needed, my friend.
Your needs and wants matter. They do. But if you focus just on that, you'll miss the rest of the masterpiece.
Whether you see it or not or even if you like it, she's learning from you. You are the lighthouse. She did choose you. She is enduring all kinds of pain and humiliation, much like you did, for that choice. Don't lose sight of that or your compassion for it. It's understandable that she wants it to be over like a bad dream and it's equally understandable that you don't want it gone in that manner. You both want it gone though - a common goal
You are not as positive around her - right now. You don't get to see the rest of the picture if you focus on just that or just yourself. You need to blend more than that into the picture and be as objective as possible while being engaged. Easy, right?
By far in the stories of people's lives and relationships, this is the hardest part, Cali. Don't misunderstand that and confuse it with your feelings of the moment. You'll always have the ability to pop smoke and extricate and even have a reason for it, if you want to.
I think you already have a good idea what you want long term. I think you know that's not an easy path. I think you'll walk it regardless. Nobody, including yourself, knows what that will look like over time yet.
Wisdom. Patience. Objectivity. Engagement. Your faith. Those are the things you're working toward and they won't come immediately and in some cases, easily. They'll take time, amigo. Like any masterpiece, they are yet to come together to paint the bigger picture.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Luke, I remember I used to tell you not to get ahead of yourself. Not just as an exercise in patience. Not because it hurts. Just because each and every part of this journey is important. Each part, if we let it, will show us something. And because it is necessary to let it all play out as it will.
I would not ever want to make it seem that I think the affair and resulting STD is something you just need to get over. But, in a lot of ways...it is. It isnt because those arent big, hurtful things because they are. Its because carrying that hurt around forever weighs you down. It stops you from moving forward and healing.
You arent there yet. I get that. Part of the way to get there is understanding that your feelings were hurt. Your ego bruised. Those are valid feelings in the short term...in the long term..they dont serve you.
I have been practicing living in the now. It's been tough at times, I am not going to lie. I am doing it because I would worry so much about what might happen, that I was missing what is happening right now.
Along with that, I practice gratitude. Being grateful for the my life and the people in it.
When I look back on all that has happened to me, I wish I didnt hang onto a lot of stuff that I had. It was the way my journey played out and thats ok. But if I had to change one thing..that would be it. Letting go of the bad feelings sooner. I realized that no amount of me hanging onto them was going to change what happened. No matter how hard I tried.
You are learning about you...what you want, what you dont in the future and thats important. But what is equally important is what you see along the way. Whats important is living life each day without thinking too far into the future because we cant possibly know what its going to be.
Of course your w doesnt want to think about or talk about whats happened. Who would? I would suspect part of her cant believe she did that.
There will be time for you both to hash that out...her when she is stronger...you when you arent still feeling so hurt. For now, focus on your life. Focus on your boy and peace and your faith. Allow what is supposed to happen...to happen.
AJ: I laughed while reading your post as a thought crossed my mind .. "This guy can talk as long as I can" .... but your post .. I have read it 4 times and I know I have another 4 to go ... so many key points and things I need to think about.
Just to touch on a few:
That statement of "She tries on personalities like coats" ... yeah .. nailed my W, I seen it .. even the thight we were together it was like a in home date with someone I was starting to get to know, then she morhped into a glimpse of the old W, to a stranger, then arrived into the angry old woman. All in about 4-5 hours.
As far as the retribution thing ... honestly no, even the hurt little boy realizes nothing can take back that stone that was thrown. Anything she would try to do to 'make up' for it would fall short, or be viewed as just trying to hard ... am I hung up on it a bit, yes ... but even so I can see past the hurt and know that there is no act that can take it away quickly. Currently I have been hung up on her spew comment about the kiss and her not wanting it, how she felt she had to kiss back .... maybe spew, maybe alot of truth to it, comparing that to OM and how quickly they did this n that .. all speculation of course ... that is the pain locker that I am trying to empty out. I seem to do that often as of late, amazing how fresh this all feels ... I've known about OM for over a year but its like dealing with the pain all over again new and fresh .... caught me off guard to be honest, guess its easier to box up and toss out with the R when you decide to just move on ... then things change and you have to open it and deal with it.
Some of this, I get it .. still stinks but I get it. She is still sorting things out, told me she wants the family but seems is not so ready to jump into M, our issues and fix 'us' I can see that, and I can see why as she is still trying to find 'her', she still has to morph who she is now with whatever chunks are left of her that crawled out of the tunnel ... I can see that. I feel I am in limbo until she can do that and I can see if the new me is compatible with the new her.
uR:
Its funny ... I always was one to live in the moment .. but you are right .. I seem to be looking ahead, pressing a bit ... wanting this mess to hurry up and be over but its just not, there is still alot of work to be done ... as frustrating as it is .. I know it has to be done in its own time or this will all be for not... patience has never been one of my virtues but one I have really been working on over the past couple years.
You are right about holding onto the pain and hurt. Seems some days I really am ok, then there is a trigger ... sometimes its a big one, others its a small reminder. small ones I just notice, decide nope .. lock it up .. bigger ones harder to do. Like I said .. I am currently trying to deal with comparing. Petty ... can be something like her not gettin all dolled up when we go out as she would with OM or bigger more painful thoughts/images. Made me realize how its more about the physical acts and the images that are hard for me to get over. And in the background she has this guy friend.... I have reservations about that and where it could lead .. but as we preach here, thats out of my control .... logic says she could have easily went OM2 rather than say she wants to work on the M, but after all that is happened there is a concern there.
Anyways ... I came in this morning spinning a bit .. reading both your posts and wise words has eased that and given me a ton to think about, ton to reflect on today. Thank you for that .. sincerely ... I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be .. thinking that target will forever be moving in a forward direction. I know I am better because of all of this .... would never wish it upon anyone ... but yeah.
Luke, when I was going through all of this, I got to my xh's affair up close as he stayed in the house almost 2 years after bomb date.
He had gained a lot of weight over the years. It never bothered me, I loved him as he was, though I worried about his health.
I watched him work so hard to lose that weight for her. I watched him buy all new clothes. He even started getting manicures, which was something he would laugh at in the past.
He would get all dressed up, then be in a frenzy to leave the house.
He slept with her on our 25th wedding anniversary.
That all hurt a lot until it didnt. It was a long road to get to there. I am not going to lie.
But I began to see how sad it was...that he felt he needed to become someone so different than who he was in order to feel accepted. I couldnt imagine feeling like that.
He went against all he once believed in.
I used to imagine all these scenarios in my head of how the affair played out. Many of them were wrong. I have spoken to several people who have gone through MLC's. I asked them about their affairs.
They all told me that it wasnt the way people thought. How can it be, when they are in crisis, hurting their family, broken and often with people more broken than them?
One of them told me that it was like he was looking down on his life and someone else was living it. He felt desperation to feel better. And the high from it wore off quickly but he felt as if he had no choice but to continue to try to find something to fill the void he felt.
I thought about my xh's ow. I knew her. She was a mess and married, but, the truth is, she couldnt shine my shines. She wasnt worthy of my headspace.
My xh became someone he wasnt. Some of the things he said and did he honestly doesnt remember.
It really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how broken he was.
And in the end, the weight loss, the new clothes, the wining and dining and secret meetings...didnt fix him. Not by a long shot.
He knows he lost someone who had his back and loved him unconditionally. How sad for him.
I no longer hurt from the affair. As I said, she matters not because I know my worth.
What happened between them isnt what you imagine in your head. Trust me on that.
