Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

I am looking forward to an adult relationship. But I think the majority of adults are carrying all these flaws we are trying to resolve. Prospective partners are likely to have medicated their way out of similar R breakdowns and run straight to them if/when problems arise again. Should we then impose our "much better" way to grow out of them? Wouldn't that be "like" controlling again.

One of my big problems in my M was my impossible expectations. I have been the type to accept nothing less than perfection or death trying. I put myself through hell but thought it was a winning formula because I was a champion.

What I found out is that doesn’t work in an M. Because I put my W through hell. She was so close to me I thought of her as part of me. So I ended up treating her as I treated myself, trying to drive her to higher levels. But that’s MY m.o., not hers. Yes, I don’t mind intense pressure, I thrive on it, it spurs me to great things. But for her, she just wanted to be accepted as she was, the way she was. She felt unloved because I didn’t accept her for herself, and felt controlled by my drive to get her to “step up” as a W. I felt like she wasn’t trying because she wasn’t doing any of the things I do when I’m giving 100%. I felt like I was on a team with someone that wasn’t trying. It drove me crazy. I am used to driving until exhaustion, then driving further. She seemed so apathetic, so willing to accept a poor M, so disengaged.

But I have learned that my desire for a GREAT marriage destroyed the possibility of having a good one. Who knows what it could’ve been if I had been able to accept her for who she was. Who knows how rewarding it could’ve been if I had been able to be satisfied, vs. constantly trying to find ways to make it better. I don’t. Maybe it couldn’t have worked. Maybe when one person wants to do great things as a partnership and one person doesn’t want to put effort into it that’s irreconcilable differences. I don’t know. But I don’t think so.

So I’m trying to let go of my expectations of a great M in my future, and I’m trying to practice finding acceptance for my partners flaws, and the pain that I feel because of them. Maybe my pain will be less if I accept it as normal. Maybe I can live with mediocrity in some areas of my life. I’m going to have to figure this one out, because honestly Py and DB forum readers, it would be nearly impossible for me to be paired with someone that sets the bar as high as me or drives as hard as me to get there.

You’re right Py, there is only one way to find out. I just want to practice for when the time comes. I don’t know that I’m setting myself apart by doing this. Maybe it’s just more of the same, me trying to achieve the impossible. Maybe medicating, rebounding, and settling for some dysfunction would actually be a healthy step because it would mean letting go of my desire for something glorious, spectacular, and unrealistic for most partners.

So yeah, lots to sort through for me. Thanks for letting me talk it out. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to work where I’m not on a team with anyone and I can go manifest my drive and destroy some goals.