Don't Look Back 1

[Zues126]

I do still love him. For the first 7 months, I would have swept it all under the rug and trudged on. (I'm not saying that's healthy or sustainable, I'm saying I totally would have done it. )Then he moved out. But even after the first four months of S, if he'd have said "let's try" I'd have given it all I had. Now, I just don't see a way for it to work. Every day that we are S, every day that he ignores me, every day that he shows in a million little ways that I'm not important, my heart hardens a little, RD. Things I put up with because I thought that's what Ws do (and I know I was deluded there but that's what I thought) are no longer acceptable because he no longer comes home to me at night. If I continue to be tied to him, and my love keeps eroding, pretty soon there's going to be nothing left. I just feel like I need to get out now, to protect anything that might be left there. I know that may not make a lot of sense, but that's simply where I am right now.

Totally understandable Sunny.

I think it just takes time to accept the D as real. That's why it's so hard to "rush" the grieving process. Grieving the end of a marriage isn't just a one time thing. First you grieve the commitment to be loved for your life. Then you grieve the trust you had in your partner. The communications throughout the day. Then it’s the loving things you do for each other. The future that you had been looking forward to. The adversity that comes with the D that you didn’t want to contend with. The discord in your children’s life. The inside jokes. The belief that love can conquer all. But even still, much further down the road there is more grieving to do. Having someone that considers your welfare, has you in their mind and heart. And so many other things that come with it.

You have managed through this admirably, but it is so much. Really, when I hear that your H isn’t considerate of you, isn’t attentive to you, it doesn’t surprise me. Most separated couples don’t continue to meet each other’s emotional needs. But I can see how, particularly when the D word has never been uttered, you could have interpreted that to mean that at least some of the care and goodwill that was built could be preserved. I think you’re simply coming to terms with the fact that this is probably where he thought you two were heading when he declared his desire for a separation. Just another loss in the long line of losses.

I think you’re wise to move through as much of this as you did without taking legal action yourself. You didn’t “lose time” as those months were critical for you to let go, heal, restructure your life to meet your own needs, and work through a lot of the emotions that come from this. That all said, I’ve heard from my IC, L, and a few other trusted advisors that finalizing things does help bring a sense of closure. Both symbolically, and from the fact that you can literally look at that chapter of your life as closed. It lets the murky waters settle down. True, it’s “only a piece of paper” and people remarry on occasion, etc. But I do think that when you’re ready it will be appropriate to put it to bed. But beyond the fact that you’re not “losing time”, you will be truly ready to take that step (or as ready as you will be), and you will know you did it the way that matched your values, beliefs, and character. And you’ll always be able to look in the mirror proudly for the way you handled it, because you have handled this so exceptionally.