Hi RD, I was just thinking about all this yesterday and this morning. I think I am getting to this place and time were I want to move forward.
I have been reading TO's story and it is helping me a lot. There are a lot of good advice from Sandy2 and others.
I have been reading DR and DB again, as well as The 5 Love Languages and most important have been checking one by one of the Sandi's 37 rules.
I realized that I am not DBing. I do things to get a reaction from my H but I did nothing to change this whole mess and that's why every time H comes around with his crazy roller coaster, I became an emotional mess.
So, I know it is not going to be easy, but I need to get real, I need to stop pretending that H will just turn around and tell me that we can work on our M. All the signs are there that he does not care about us, family, kids or whatever, he is just worry about himself (as he was always)and I have been behaving as a blind person for all this time.
I will start a list today of what I am doing for myself as a woman, person. Another list of what I am doing for and with my kids, like who does what, what direction is everyone going. And then I will have a better picture of what we need to do to improve our lives and move forward with it.
I also need to be honest with myself and face that I am very confused in regard of my H. For awhile I did not feel much, but now I see how much H have hurt me.
At first I blamed myself 100%, then I decided to clean some of my childhood wounds and now I can see it very clear that I am a very caring and nice person. I did a lot to help H build up his career, I took care after everything in a household, kids, responsibilities, I did it all.
When he decided to have a R with OW, he did decide that all I did was not good enough. It was easy for him to run away from troubles that life will always bring to us. He is a coward. But for me, this shouldn't be the most important issue right now. I really, really need to get moving and LET GO for good.
I say I love my H, or at least the one I got married one day. But the reality is that I do not know anymore, I do not know if I still love him or if I love the idea of him. My feelings are very mixed up.
What I know for sure is that I have three lovely creatures right there, beside me. On mother's day, they made me a card, they wrote crazy stuff and said that they are happy their mom is very crazy and they can write with freedom.
They are stronger and bigger then me, and instead of a big hug I got in the air. They gave me many kisses and said that I am an awesome mom. I have a wonderful family and I am the center of it. All of you are right telling me that H will be the one missing all this one day.
Right now, his priorities are others that we don't even know. His life is a mess, he is depressed, crying himself being a poor victim. I need to LET GO on all this and do not think much about.
I need to start educating and training myself every day to think a little less about him, and disconnect from his insanity.
Thanks for your words RD, you have been helping me a lot. It's amazing that you give me hope that there are men with a clean mind and a clean heart that can talk about values and sacrifices.
