AJ: I laughed while reading your post as a thought crossed my mind .. "This guy can talk as long as I can" .... but your post .. I have read it 4 times and I know I have another 4 to go ... so many key points and things I need to think about.
Just to touch on a few:
That statement of "She tries on personalities like coats" ... yeah .. nailed my W, I seen it .. even the thight we were together it was like a in home date with someone I was starting to get to know, then she morhped into a glimpse of the old W, to a stranger, then arrived into the angry old woman. All in about 4-5 hours.
As far as the retribution thing ... honestly no, even the hurt little boy realizes nothing can take back that stone that was thrown. Anything she would try to do to 'make up' for it would fall short, or be viewed as just trying to hard ... am I hung up on it a bit, yes ... but even so I can see past the hurt and know that there is no act that can take it away quickly. Currently I have been hung up on her spew comment about the kiss and her not wanting it, how she felt she had to kiss back .... maybe spew, maybe alot of truth to it, comparing that to OM and how quickly they did this n that .. all speculation of course ... that is the pain locker that I am trying to empty out. I seem to do that often as of late, amazing how fresh this all feels ... I've known about OM for over a year but its like dealing with the pain all over again new and fresh .... caught me off guard to be honest, guess its easier to box up and toss out with the R when you decide to just move on ... then things change and you have to open it and deal with it.
Some of this, I get it .. still stinks but I get it. She is still sorting things out, told me she wants the family but seems is not so ready to jump into M, our issues and fix 'us' I can see that, and I can see why as she is still trying to find 'her', she still has to morph who she is now with whatever chunks are left of her that crawled out of the tunnel ... I can see that. I feel I am in limbo until she can do that and I can see if the new me is compatible with the new her.
uR:
Its funny ... I always was one to live in the moment .. but you are right .. I seem to be looking ahead, pressing a bit ... wanting this mess to hurry up and be over but its just not, there is still alot of work to be done ... as frustrating as it is .. I know it has to be done in its own time or this will all be for not... patience has never been one of my virtues but one I have really been working on over the past couple years.
You are right about holding onto the pain and hurt. Seems some days I really am ok, then there is a trigger ... sometimes its a big one, others its a small reminder. small ones I just notice, decide nope .. lock it up .. bigger ones harder to do. Like I said .. I am currently trying to deal with comparing. Petty ... can be something like her not gettin all dolled up when we go out as she would with OM or bigger more painful thoughts/images. Made me realize how its more about the physical acts and the images that are hard for me to get over. And in the background she has this guy friend.... I have reservations about that and where it could lead .. but as we preach here, thats out of my control .... logic says she could have easily went OM2 rather than say she wants to work on the M, but after all that is happened there is a concern there.
Anyways ... I came in this morning spinning a bit .. reading both your posts and wise words has eased that and given me a ton to think about, ton to reflect on today. Thank you for that .. sincerely ... I have a long way to go before I am where I want to be .. thinking that target will forever be moving in a forward direction. I know I am better because of all of this .... would never wish it upon anyone ... but yeah.
