Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[25yearsmlc]

This is a good thread.

I never saw forgiveness growing up. I had to learn HOW to do it, and that's after first choosing to do it.

It is a learned skill and it's a process which involves lots of decisions made...

but NO long term happy marriage exists without tons of forgiveness. And no person is content with their life without forgiveness.

So it's not about "whether" to forgive if whether a spouse "Deserves" it; at all.

It's about how WE want to live our lives. It actually has nothing to do with them.

once you take ^^ this in, you'll have a whole lot of free time to live your life well, b/c holding onto your anger now, b/c at some level you believe you'd be "letting her off the hook" is hurting you way way more than anyone else.

Consider this:

**Holding onto anger to "punish" someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire -

to get smoke in their eyes.**


& Here is a parable I heard that really touched me. Maybe you'll get something out of it too.

The World Was Going to End


One day at noon, the whole world heard a loud voice say “In 7 days, the end of the world will be upon you”.

At first, people marveled at the feat of someone being able to talk to the whole world in language of every person, all at once. Some folks found the words disturbing however.

The next day, again at noon, the world heard the words again. The voice said:

“In 6 days the end of the world will be upon you.”

This bothered people more. They were no longer sure it was a prank - but maybe an actual warning of some type. But from whom?

The next day at noon again, the whole world heard the words “In 5 days the end of the world will be upon you.”

People were visibly deeply upset.

Some began to move into the countryside and prepared for Armageddon. It seemed no matter where they went, or how remote the area, however, the message had been heard.

Also, there began to be colors & marks on people’s faces; & the people realized the colors were marks of their sin.

For instance, the green of envy was on many faces, the word “greed" or "Liar"

and the letter “A” for adultery, was a scarlet color on the forehead.

Politicians & the clergy began wearing bags or masks over their heads, or "taking sabbaticals";

Celebrities went on “retreats” where no one could see their faces.

The next day when the voice said, "in 3 days the end of the world will be upon you”, some people were angry and others terrified.

They flocked to their churches and prayed.

The rich began giving away their money.

And yet still, the next day the voice again declared, “in 2 days the end of the world will be upon you”.

Now came despair to so many. It seemed nothing they did could stop the end of the world from coming. Most grieved their pending demise.

There were some who began to accept that the end was coming.

In one home, a husband with the letter “A” on his forehead, stood looking out his window, with his wife next to him. On her, the signs of jealousy and envy were plainly visible.

The husband said to his wife, “I want you to know that you're the only woman I truly loved. Can you ever forgive me?"

The wife turned to him and said “I do forgive you. I withheld my love for you to punish you, & I became bitter. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

He said “I forgive you.”

Suddenly, the colors on her face faded away, and the “A” of adultery dropped from his face. It dawned on the couple that by forgiving each other & asking for forgiveness, they had both freed themselves.

The couple became to yell for joy and tell the world what happened happened.

Word spread.

Other couples began to forgive each other.

Brothers who had been estranged or divided, began reaching out to each other.

Wars ceased, as world leaders began to sign treaties they had rejected before.

People reconciled across the planet, and the colors and marks began to fade…

People rejoiced as all across the planet, forgiveness had spread.

Along with forgiveness, came the freedom to love deeply without reservation

& and to live life well.

[Pyrite]

So it's not about "whether" to forgive if whether a spouse "Deserves" it; at all.

It's about how WE want to live our lives. It actually has nothing to do with them.

once you take ^^ this in, you'll have a whole lot of free time to live your life well, b/c holding onto your anger now, b/c at some level you believe you'd be "letting her off the hook" is hurting you way way more than anyone else.

Consider this:

**Holding onto anger to "punish" someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire -

to get smoke in their eyes.**

This is awesome 25. Exactly describes it. And yes you're spot on about me focusing on "letting her off the hook". Your post clarifies things for me. If you have time can you check in on Smothy. She's spinning her wheels a bit and could do with some of your expert advice.

[Pyrite]

nice parable. touching indeed. gave me goose pimples. will think about that on the way home.
-Py

[Huddy]

That's good. If W decides she wants to reconcile, I won't hold anything against her; it won't be easy, but if the chance comes along, I'm not going to throw it away.

It's not over yet!

[Smothy]

It is not over until the LBS says it is :-)

Thanks for looking into my thread, Huddy.

[Pyrite]

Be careful how you interpret this though. It could be more of a hindrance to detaching than a help to saving your M.

[Smothy]

yes, open to reconciliation not waiting. This will be my new mantra.

Giving up hope gives me hope

thank you so much Pyrite. I need this tonight as feeling low from snooping ( I know, but no more!!!!)

[Pyrite]

i believe you Smothy. I believe you want it. And I believe you can do it. I'm glad I could help. I was worried about being too critical. I can feel your pain in your words. I understand. Nice thing about being here is that when people say they understand - it actually means something because we are all in these horrible situations.

I feel for you as well because I was OS by myself when a 7 year R busted, and it is lonely. which makes it all the more difficult. And a 20+ year M - well thats gotta suck. Take care Smothy. Please consider adding to your mantra to go easy on yourself.

[Smothy]

i believe you Smothy. I believe you want it. And I believe you can do it. I'm glad I could help. I was worried about being too critical. I can feel your pain in your words. I understand. Nice thing about being here is that when people say they understand - it actually means something because we are all in these horrible situations.

I feel for you as well because I was OS by myself when a 7 year R busted, and it is lonely. which makes it all the more difficult. And a 20+ year M - well thats gotta suck. Take care Smothy. Please consider adding to your mantra to go easy on yourself.

I wrote this on my other thread;

I am going to be be focussed on getting detached. I have given myself a few stern words and used the stop sign someone wrote about. ATM, it seems I am doing this quite frequently. I know this will slow down.

I want to do this and believe that I can too, thank you for cheering me on. Last night, I allowed myself to get angry and punched a few pillows!

[Pyrite]

Anytime Smothy . Just look for the Py in the Sky.

Good to see 25 on your thread. That will be a big help to you.