Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Oh, completely agree about working through things. That really was behind my prior few posts. I've learned a lot, but my ultimate test is "if I was in my M again, could I do better now?" Better in a few senses:

Not resorting to controlling behavior to try to get what I wanted.
Not allowing resentment to fester to where I lost my good feelings for my W.
Being able to accept who she is, what she is able to give, and find my own happiness within an imperfect M.

Our dynamic was broken. One of us would be hurt with our encounters. Either I'd be hurt from rejection, or she'd be hurt by feeling cooerced.

The reason I still insist I have a long ways to go is that while I believe I could do better in that spot, I'm not sure about all three.

I know I could stop controlling behavior. I know I could stop being abusive. I just KNOW it.

Could I find a way to find acceptance and happiness with circumstances as they were? Could I continue to love her and avoid that from being swallowed by resentment?

Maybe that's not important. Maybe if I did a better job on my end, she would have been more free to be more giving. Maybe just stopping the controlling and trying to find acceptance is enough, and that things will grow from there to where I get enough of my needs met I can survive emotionally.

My STBX is capable of change, but as she is I don't know if it would've worked. The same way there are some serial cheaters, or alcoholics...I'm not sure she was really in a place where she'd have been receptive to understanding my needs, no matter how I behaved, no matter how I accepted what I had. I think it's possible that my acceptance would allow her to think there was no problem, and I can see how my feelings could follow that of a WAH in that regard. Instead of walking, I tried to control her or "wake her up".

Could I just accept being deeply wounded for many years, hoping she'd change someday, or if nothing else being willing to die in a miserable M and knowing I stood by my commitment? That's what I was trying to do, which is why we stopped talking. I didn't want to leave, I gave up on her, I just couldn't find a way to interact without causing each other pain so we stopped.

No, I'm not ready for a new R. I do need more time to work through these things. True, I can try to find a partner that is more mature, empathetic, and collaborative, and I can keep growing...that's the EASY part. The hard part is knowing that there will be some things in my next M that probably make me feel this way. If it's not sex, maybe it's something else I took for granted in my last R. Maybe my next W becomes alcoholic, or a gambler, or is highly critical or angry. Am I ready to accept what God has in store for me? Or do I feel entitled to more, and through that entitlement will stem resentment, control, and future M failures?

Day at a time. Grow. Relive. Pray. Trust. I think I can get there with some help.