where this got to in our case was that the difference in desire became so central to everything. If i went for more ordinary contact such as a hug or a kiss, my XW immediately felt she had to make clear it wasnt going any futher which just compounded the rejection. Its really not much fun when a 'I've just got in from work' hug is met with some variant of the 'I've got a headache' response. If i tried to talk to her about it then i handled it badly and ended up feeling guilty for 'pressuring' her.
Jim, meant to get back to you about this. I'm ashamed to say that this played out a little in our R as well (not the "just home from work" hug, but other more ordinary contact true). If your W was anything like me, then part of this might actually have been an attempt by her to "protect" your feelings ("protect" that's not quite the right word but it will have to do as I can't think of a better one). I know in my case, I *thought* by trying to send the signal that I wasn't into it earlier on, I would avoid the rejection later when contact was more intense. But it was rejection nonetheless. I see that now.
Something else I noticed (and recall physical touch is one of my main LL)...H would get frustrated sometimes when I would...er...touch him while he was making breakfast say. He'd ask why I didn't do it earlier, when we were still in bed. I think this reflects 2 things: (1) I evidently wanted to touch him but in a way that didn't send the message that it would lead to sex, and (2) he seemed to think that touch leads to sex. And I think that's the crux of it really - different expectations around what physical touch means. No right or wrong. Just is.
Man, I feel like a fool for making it all sound so complex. But I guess it is given that so many couples struggle with this. Based on my reading, it seems the patterns are just as reproducible across different Rs as the WAS scripts are that we all see on here.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
