Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Thanks Sunny. I don't believe in fairy tales but do think there will be some joy down the road.

It's funny, this came about because I have a good friend that is 23 and just moving in with his girlfriend, recently pregnant. He is super analytic and trying to do everything right, so he is starting lots of R talks, trying to discuss needs, plans, etc. She has been distant. He was starting to panic about her lack of engagement, and questioning her commitment and love for him. Cliff notes, I explained about the 'passion trap' push/pull dynamics, told him that people work on their R's in different ways, and that he needed to back off for a bit, give back 80% of what she was in terms of DISCUSSION (not in terms of other love acts), but to feel free to do all the planning and strategizing he wanted to on his own. Instead of joint pre-M counceling, I told him just to get his own IC. Takes one to tango!

This is what lead me to realize that not all M's are naturally fulfilling in every area. I think the key is to continue to be yourself, GAL, meet your own needs...not that sacrificing for your M is bad, because it is great! But because taking away the things that you use to meet your own needs puts MORE PRESSURE ON THE M as there are now more needs it has to fulfill! I'm thinking the answer is to meet as many needs as possible outside your M, but then still make your M your number one priority and sacrifice to show your partner they are the tops.

Point is, it got me thinking about these things.

Py, you're right. I will never be ready in my mind. When I gamble playing pool I always feel like it will be a super test...yet I have like a 90%+ win rate. Usually by the time I feel like "gosh, I don't know, I might be up for this fight" I get in the ring and am so overprepared I blow my opponent off the table. That goes for most of what I do.

In some ways that fear is good because it drives me to record levels of preparation, and that is usually why I do well. But you're right. If that's REALLY what it took to make a M work, no one would be married!

More and more I'm recognizing I can do this. I'll hold out for a woman that is confident and loving enough to choose to meet my needs, not one that is weak and crippled enough I can try to force her to. I do believe it.

In time...:) Thanks all!