Mirror Mirror on the wall....

[AJM]

I agree, and if her mother is any indication ... odds are she will be more negative. I always have been a pretty positive person but the past few years I feel like someone/something just sucked out my mojo, I do see myself being different around her at times, and I am not as positive around her as I used to be .... maybe its the hurt, the betrayal .. all those things ... its hard to let that stuff go .... even harder when she seems to want to brush it under the rug and act like it was all just a bad dream.

To me, this is just a point in time, Cali. What I mean by that is that if you put this in the lens of 50 years vs. 25, it may look different. Only time will tell what work she does on herself to become herself. The herself she is going to be.

As mirage alluded to, nobody stays the same. We learn from our experiences and grow. At different rates and at different times of course.

The pull of becoming like our parents is strong. I remember seeing that turmoil in my ex. She fought that and many other things, but chose to postpone much of that from what I could tell. Ironically, in the end that's what made her more like her mom than before. And that's not a good thing for her that I can tell. It was confusing to watch. My ex, during the thick of it, and some since, seemed to become many different personalities. Not in a clinical sort of way, but like she was searching for herself and couldn't integrate them. She tried on different personalities like coats at one point.

I can only imagine that turmoil from her perspective. And she certainly does not and did not have the tools to deal.

And that's really what the journey is about from my perspective. We as humans keep trying. We keep evolving until we integrate or slough off that which doesn't integrate. i.e. we don't stay the same.

If you had said that she was like that since you knew her, it would be a different thing altogether, Cali. But it sounds more like she is struggling to gain the tools she needs to become and embrace the next stage of her life. That's no easy feat to be sure.

On balance, it sounds more like she is not progressing gracefully, but she is learning. She is integrating. She is trying to figure things out. And that is encouraging for anyone.

Like we said before, what is it you want for her? To restore the marriage at any cost? Or to become human? To grow and hopefully come back and try to restore the marriage?

As for you, there's more to this than just the short term hurt. There are plenty of long term marriages with similar stories to yours, Cali. People don't often talk about it in our society, but if asked, they'll talk about it.

As the balance of the relationship shifts and morphs, your decision is not just about what you want right now. Your heart tells you to get retribution (little boy) to "balance" the relationship. Understandable. But you've grown so much. You can see there's more to this than just that facet of the picture. So much more.

You are not immune to the growth. You are a fast study and learn(t) quickly. You built the tools you needed. The foundation. She hasn't yet, but shows promise. As that happens, you get the joy of reliving all the past hurts and memories to evaluate and put them away. Oh joy, right? Not what you asked for, but maybe what you needed, my friend.

Your needs and wants matter. They do. But if you focus just on that, you'll miss the rest of the masterpiece.

Whether you see it or not or even if you like it, she's learning from you. You are the lighthouse. She did choose you. She is enduring all kinds of pain and humiliation, much like you did, for that choice. Don't lose sight of that or your compassion for it. It's understandable that she wants it to be over like a bad dream and it's equally understandable that you don't want it gone in that manner. You both want it gone though - a common goal

You are not as positive around her - right now. You don't get to see the rest of the picture if you focus on just that or just yourself. You need to blend more than that into the picture and be as objective as possible while being engaged. Easy, right?

By far in the stories of people's lives and relationships, this is the hardest part, Cali. Don't misunderstand that and confuse it with your feelings of the moment. You'll always have the ability to pop smoke and extricate and even have a reason for it, if you want to.

I think you already have a good idea what you want long term. I think you know that's not an easy path. I think you'll walk it regardless. Nobody, including yourself, knows what that will look like over time yet.

Wisdom. Patience. Objectivity. Engagement. Your faith. Those are the things you're working toward and they won't come immediately and in some cases, easily. They'll take time, amigo. Like any masterpiece, they are yet to come together to paint the bigger picture.

Peace,
AJ