Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Now I've got you you son of a b1tch!!!

This is pretty raw for me and may resemble stuff I've talked about before, but I want to put it out there. This has been a thought that's teaching me how to grow.

The title comes from another book about interpersonal games, and it seemed appropriate. For the first time I TRULY understood what 25 talks about with forgiveness and letting go of score keeping.

First the easy part. I realize that for a long time (it's faded for the most part) I was repressing some really dark thoughts about my STBX. At least part of me was craving the day we'd be back together so she could pay for what she did. This is the controlling, angry, destructive part of me. And while it doesn't define me, I at least want to talk about what some of those desires look like:

Someday you're going to want what you lost, and when you do:
You're going to be accountable for what you put me through.
You're going to see where you were wrong.
You're going to sign an oath in blood saying you'll never do it again!

What I've learned from 25 and from common sense is that if you ever do R with your WAS, that just won't happen. The reality is that they won't ever understand what the LBS went through, and they won't remember much of what they did because it didn't hurt them like it hurt us. So they may have remorse, but if we are looking for understanding and apologies (at best) or revenge at worst, it can't happen. Score keeping will destroy it before it begins. Beyond that, there are no guarantees, that's not how life works. It's up to us to decide to build a good M FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, find forgiveness and trust, or not.

What I realized today is that while I don't harbor those feelings much for STBX...I DO for my future partner. I referred to the "police interrogation". I was serious. I have the desire to REALLY get my grips in my next woman to make sure I have her under control in several ways.

I want to make sure she doesn't go into the fog and become a WAS
I want to make sure she doesn't force me to live a sex starved marriage
Both are equally horrifying thoughts.

It has taken me some time to start to accept some hard lessons in life. I can DB all day long, but my next woman may become a WAS. I can DB all day long, my next woman may "starve" me sexually (the thought of which still feels gut wrenching).

There is no "strategy" that will change this. In the past I've wondered where these thoughts came from. Thoughts of "marrying down", finding a woman that depended on me financially, finding a woman that had so many problems she depended on my emotionally...all so I had control and could protect myself from these consequences. That doesn't work. That's what I tried to do in my M, and no matter how dependent she was, it didn't stop her from leaving. Control doesn't work.

I am SO working on letting go of that and trusting. I still can't picture myself trusting my needs to someone else. The terror of going through that rejection is still overpowering. Not trying to go on a tangent, but there's a reason many men like me turned to porn. It is so hard to open up with my needs, trust them to another person, and then have them diminished. Just as it's hard to make a life long commitment to someone, then have them tear apart a family.

But what's great about this is I can see clearly where I need to continue to grow. I need to accept that my next M will have times I am rejected. It may lead to her walking away.

Sometimes I think I'm trying to become such a relationship expert I can find a way to avoid those realities. But really I need to accept that I will likely experience much more pain again in the future, whether in one of those two forms or another I can't anticipate.

The questions are am I brave enough to put my heart out there anyway? Can I be healthy enough to put my best self forward so my needs and behavior are reasonable? And am I able to be satisfied with a M that still brings a lot of pain, and not grow resentment because it's not the paradise I feel entitled to because of the work I'm doing?

As I type this I am doing just fine. I have faith that this part of me can grow stronger, and the fearful/controlling part of me can lessen it's grip. And I do believe that with the right caution I can avoid a terrible mismatch. But I also believe I can accept reality, and learn to appreciate even a flawed M, that can be unfulfilling at times. There's more to a M than good times, no matter how many R books we read. I will find my strength in the path I walk, and not the rewards I receive. Although I do think it's fair to long for those good times as well.