Separated/MLC No Change

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Skh

there's no way that this won't hurt as it has,for awhile. But it does pass.

25yearsmic: I will keep posting here. Thank you. for advice.

I have read DB and have been referring back because you are right I am focused on H all the time about what he is doing, thinking and meaning behind what he is saying.

Then STOP it and if that means visualizing a stop sign every time a thought about your h comes into your head, then do it.

Your son needs you and You need you to stop handing your mental energy over to a man who isn't there now.

A few weeks of that imaging in my head really helped and then GAL did a lot for me too.
But I wasted a YEAR OF MY Life asking questions like you are asking that there are NO "good" answers to.

All you can do is work on you.



He would tell you (and this is what he said in therapy) that I am controlling in he felt that he had to ask permission to do things, that I asked too many questions about where or why he was late and he feels like I am looking over his shoulder and that I snooped.

Okay these ^^ are things to work on for sure. They are all about your controlling nature with him if you look at it.

Snooping is about control and so is the whole permission thing, and the questions of him, etc.

LET GO of the illusion that you ever had control over him...it's really quite freeing.

Don't rob him of the chance to learn from experience, b/c we all need it and it's often the only way we can learn something.


I had to release my h to his "task" of going off to Alaska to find whatever it was that he was seeking. Only by going and discovering that life there in all its glory, wasn't so great when his family was elsewhere.

I could not "teach" him that.


He said that he didn't feel loved and now I want him only because there was a OW that he was texting last summer who he says was just a friend.

This^^ is mostly about him again, not you.

Is the part about you showing interest/jealousy of OW true? Would you have reacted if he'd been that interested or texting a guy about a motorcycle?

How do You personally like to resolve conflict? How does he? How do you two together resolve conflict, or does it fester or go unresolved?

What would HE say about conflict resolution if he were here?


He would say that he has no feelings for me and doesn't love me the right way anymore. He would say that he

all about him again...keep the focus on you

doesn't want to talk about the R and I won't leave it alone.

I think nothing wrecks a relationship faster than constantly taking its' temperature.

Leave it alone. FOLLOW the applicable parts of the 37 rules as best you can.l

consistent change + sufficient time = change the WAS can believe in.

What changes do you think HE could see in you? By "changes" in you, I mean behavioral changes that have existed for more than a few weeks, like for 90 days or more?

Btw, I would not monitor for improvements or changes in him, for at least 90 days.

If something happens before then - that's great.

But you need to back off big time and for much longer than you have so far.



I do ask about the R

Stop asking. This isn't easy but its also not complicated.

Stop asking him about the marriage. OR the future. This is a HUGE part of the "37 rules" and it's one you continue to break.

I'd think you'd stop sticking your hand in the fire, b/c it gets burned every time you do.


I waited two weeks then asked how it was going. He got very angry. I know this is the wrong thing to do

You "waited two weeks" (I'm shaking my head at your time line)

and then you say you "know this is the wrong thing to do..."

and I know the next word is a "but"

and what that means is "But I don't care enough that it's wrong..."

And that is a problem you have to work on in you. Start caring more about his messages to you. He told you many times in effect, to back off and give him some space and that you are too controlling.

The more you flout the rules here and do the opposite of what he's asking the more you prove him right.

To him, that probably means that marriage to you would be exactly as it was before

He has told you in effect that he thinks his feelings are ignored. So, what are you proving - every time you go back and snoop or ask him about the relationship?




but for some reason I keep asking because I am so confused by why we aren't together. Thinking if he would just talk about it I could fix it.


Oh but he has talked about it. The behaviors he has mentioned he does not want, continue. (The "snooping" and the constantly asking him about his feelings and the relationship)

So it probably does Not appear to him that talking about it helps at all.

To me,

when you say "Talking about it helps" (I'm thinking he'd say "no it has not helped and it is part of the problem")

and when you say you could "fix it' what I hear you saying is that you want to control it, again.

So you are shooting yourself in the foot by repeating behaviors that don't get you anywhere.

What do YOU think?


I am trying to work on myself.

Tell us about this^^. What traits are you specifically working on? How about which behaviors of yours that you wish to work on?

HOW are you working on them? The more specific you are, the more likely you are to achieve them.

For instance I might say I "want to get in shape" but then I say "BY walking/running 2 miles a day 3-4 times a week".

So HOW are you working on yourself?


I have been not asking him questions about where he is or where he is going. I do not give any advice on what he should or shouldn't buy.

Just so you know, these ^^ are just basics and They are things "not" to do.

What changes are you making within, that you want to bring to your next r, (hopefully with your h)?

What traits are you cultivating more of? Improvements within, etc.??



I do ask him when I see him how he is and how was work but I have read that those are questions that you shouldn't ask as they are perceived as controlling.

Just mirror his behavior so that if he is NOT in a talkative mood, you don't drag words out of him. Back off.

If he's warm and engaging, you can mirror back.

But still be the one to stop the conversation first NOT to punish but b/c your happy life is so busy,

and be upbeat and happy about your GAL even if you are faking it for now.

Like I said above the one thing I need work on

dig deeper

is not asking how he feels about us and the R and not putting all of my concentration on H and what every word he says to me means or doesn't mean.


Start with this^ for sure. It'll save your sanity if nothing else.

I am so afraid that he will file for divorce that I am constantly checking with him about the R to see if he wants and I need to stop.





It does NOT help you to keep picking at this. If anything, the constant asking will push into the lawyer's office.

Your inability to contain yourself when you've gotten such consistent signals from him on this issue is startling.

At some level you either want him to divorce you, or you have a serious problem controlling your own behavior, which, paradoxically might be why you spend so much energy trying to control his.

Any truth ^^ there?

I don't feel I have ever controlled him this was new to me he goes wherever he wants 2-3 weeks of vacation a year by himself with friends etc...

we always mutually agreed on things to buy sometimes if he had been gone

and wanted to go again --- I would ask that he spend time with us.

I think these sentences conflict. Do you see how?