It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[25yearsmlc]

Let's try this another way.

You wrote:



I am conflicted with looking for "sign posts" and "let her do whatever she wants to do" AND change my own life for myself. It feels like emotional plate spinning.


First, what's with "Let her do"? Koalada, She CAN and WILL DO whatever she wants.

You never had control over that and you still do not.

So spend NO energy on "whether" you should b/c you cannot. Period. Okay?


MWD is talking about "sign posts", that I have to look for. Btw. I have goals. I have just forgot them.


So you forgot your goals? Well that's interesting b/c it relates to your happiness. Let's make that a priority and you Start remembering or recreating your goals, b/c it's very important you set goals. VERY IMPORTANT.

Again, SIGN POSTS usually come after the changes and goals get achieved, by you and only you.

Here's an example of what I mean when I say to set a personal, achievable goal:

1) I will get in shape & feel/look better BY walking/running 2 miles a day, 4+ times a week.

2) I will work do work towards a promotion at my job - BY staying late on Wednesdays and doing extra work on Mondays...

Notice that in terms of my personal goals, the only person who can achieve them is ME.

I might not get the promotion at work BUT I Can stay late, do extra and at least know I have improved my work performance.

There's nothing in those^^ 2 goals that my spouse would need to do.

Hypothetically, later on,

I might list as a signpost, that "H compliments my improved appearance".


Does this help clarify anything for you?


*I want to celebrate our 21st anniversarry as couple.
*Me and W are talking about "saving the M"
*We start a therapy with the goal of becoming strong as a couple.

These ^^ are all things you can hope for or set as signs of "piecing" the marriage back,

AFTER you have made the changes in yourself that you need/want to make.

They are down the road from now.


*W puts the D-plans on hold


This is a marital goal - not a personal one-- and while it's fine as a marital goal, (and also a "signpost" actually), here, it's not related to any 180 or change in you.

But obviously if she did this (delaying or reversing the Divorce filing) then you'd know you had made a lot of progress.

It's just that you are not doing anything to make it more likely by all this analysis.

Another idiom we have is "Paralysis by analysis".

Think about that^^ one okay?


The sign posts I am looking for:

Almost all of the signposts below are far far down the road from here and

they are ALL ABOUT HER,

which is truly missing the point at this stage of things.


*She would look out for opportunities to spend time with me.
*She would talk about herself without talking about R
*She would call or send a text, just to say Hello
*She would question her decision
*She would ask about my life without searching for traces, that help her case.
*She would mention differences, that she might have noticed.
*She would not avoid me.

IN TIME,


you can hope and look for ^^^ these to happen but it's not as if staring at her will make them more likely.

You will KNOW if she texts you just to say hello, or looks for an opportunity to spend time with you. You'll know.

No point in waiting for those to happen.

So, Back to YOU and YOUR WORK on Yourself...


All those signals were more clear, when I have lived apart from her.

From time to time I still see those small changes,but her mood changes everyday.


Why are you looking for changes in HER and not in yourself? What are the traits you wish to change in YOURSELF and let's go from there, alright?

Otherwise you'll spend your life waiting and hoping your wife will do or feel something for you,

rather than walking a path that others would enjoy sharing with you.

What do you think about the goals and the sign posts?

And should I ignore everything else she says and does?

Hard to explain why some things are more important than others. Sometimes it's just obvious.

One way to protect ourselves from being on an emotional roller coaster with our walk away spouses (is to get off) and

is to pay no attention to their spewing venom words (crazy mean talk, for example), should be ignored.

If she berates you or speaks with disrespect and or a bad temper, in the same area as you, you walk away.


If it happens on the phone - you tell her you will talk with her when there is less emotion, and THEN you get off the phone, always always being CALM...

BTW - the person who loses their temper in an argument - is the person with less power.

The person in control over themselves, even when angry, is the one with the power to control themselves. They are the stronger of the two.


It is true that you might decide you don't ever want to reconcile with someone who acts that way -

but you cannot react to every nasty comment and you should not. Same goes for her moods.

IF SHE is reacting to something you did or said, take that information in so you can see if a "signpost" might be around.

But don't get beaten down by every little word or look from her.

By making yourself a more self confident, inwardly content man,

her words will roll off your back and perhaps in time make you a lot more attractive to her.

And this self confidence and inward contentment is all within your control to achieve.

Regardless of HER reaction to a more contented you, YOU will be more content & that is a wonderful gift you can give yourself for you.