It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[25yearsmlc]

Koalada,

I'll quote you and then see if my comments can illuminate things more. I do understand the translation aspects of all this and of course there are typos to deal with as well.

Here we go. You said:


I am conflicted with looking for "sign posts" and "let her do whatever she wants to do" AND change my own life for myself. It feels like emotional plate spinning.

MWD is talking about "sign posts", that I have to look for. Btw. I have goals. I have just forgot them.

*I want to celebrate our 21st anniversarry as couple.
*Me and W are talking about "saving the M"
*We start a therapy with the goal of becoming strong as a couple.
*W puts the D-plans on hold

The sign posts I am looking for:
*She would look out for opportunities to spend time with me.
*She would talk about herself without talking about R
*She would call or send a text, just to say Hello
*She would question her decision
*She would ask about my life without searching for traces, that help her case.
*She would mention differences, that she might have noticed.
*She would not avoid me.

All those signals were more clear, when I have lived apart from her. From time to time I still see those small changes, but her mood changes everyday.

What do you think about the goals and the sign posts?

And should I ignore everything else she says and does?
Can you understand my confusion?


I think your confusion stems from the chronic focus on your wife, and not on yourself.

Instead of having personal goals YOU can try to achieve up^^ there, you only have goals that involve action or emotion on HER part. And since you have zero control over her, the list involves nothing you can do.

That belief is false and has to change. There are things you can do on your own.

Otherwise it's almost as if you are choosing to be helpless b/c only if SHE does/says something, then what?


To me, that ^^ list mostly looks like a list of ways your wife will/can save you.

It's time to take charge of your life and your own happiness, don't you think?

Also SIGN POSTS and Personal Goals are Not the same.

Sign posts are things you'd monitor for, AFTER you have made the improvements in yourself and the changes and 180s (i.e. your personal goals) have had a chance to make an impression.

The phrase that comes to mind is that you are "putting the cart before the horse". Another way of saying this is that

You are putting things out of order.

Make Koalada the best man he can become and THEN, down the road, look for some of the sign posts you wish to find.

Make sense?