Happy Monday all .... I hope all you ladies had a wonderful Mothers Day .. all things considered
Friday night, W came over .... since the separating this was typically a quick exchange, lately she comes in and hangs out for a little bit. She and I laid on my bed, just some pillow talk as she shared her week at work ... I caught myself thinking .. pre BD I would really not wanna hear about her day that much, partly because I had taken her for granted, partly with all the hours I put in back then I was exhausted and really in no state to listen ... that and my listening skills back then were horrible. So I listened, was nice ... little glimpse of the old W.
Saturday, Early baseball game with S, I had got home around 3a.m. from work, back up at 6, walked the dog, went over and picked up S at 7, at the game by 7:30. W showed up 30 minutes late or so .. really did not phase me (Used to) as S was having fun and playing well. Afterwards W wanted to run some errands, S and I went back to my place, then all 3 of us met up for lunch. Again .. pleasant but I was exhausted. W mentioned how good a nap would be, I agreed .. she suggested we nap at my place. So we napped ... was the fist time I have slept with my wife in probably what .. over two years. I slept hard, was a good nap, W too said she slept well. After I had some shopping to do, we agreed on dinner at her place.
Here is where things got a little rocky. We cooked together, really worked well as a team, certain things she prefers to do.. (Cleaning) and certain things I would rather do (prep-Cooking-serving) so dinner went well ... afterwards we got cozy on the couch ... she laid on me and I moved to get comfy ... accidental boob grab, she said "Hey watch it" jokingly .. I made a joking comment after ... no big deal .. continued to watch the movie. Was about 9 and she started in on S to clean up his toys, and his room ... I found it odd ... 9 at night? We were all relaxing ... was like a switch went off and she was back to MLC Monster mode, more directed at S. I decided .. ok .. fun is over I am going to go home, she asked why I was leaving I told her it was time... then some spew started my way, I told her I was not going to fight, nor be treated that way ... I said goodbye to S and left.
Sunday morning I woke up .. took a nice walk, cooked a nice breakfast... then TM W asking if she wanted to go to church, if not I would just go ... she replied she did but at a different church (The mission 45 min away) so I told her I would be there by 10 so we would be on time. I arrive and she is still in Monster mode ... she did not even have to say anything I could see it. We had it out .. she started with the Pity party- mothers day stuff, then said she hates being rushed and I know that, (She had almost 3 hours to get ready) Then brought up the accidental boob thing like I was putting the moves on her, started really ramping up ... so I told her I was going to leave, asked if she wanted me to take S or if she would like to spend Mothers Day with him...this sent her off. She started the suicide talk again ... this time I told her I would call the Sherriff, this lead to her telling me I have no right, to me letting her know I have every right to make sure S is not a witness to her threatening such things, nor being a witness to it if it happened ... to me having every right to protect my son, and to protect her from herself as she clearly needs help and I was willing to help her find it.
Finally she calmed down, we went out for lunch .. no church which kind of upset me. We went to one of the city's really nice parks ... all these things I had planned weeks prior .. figured we should try to salvage the day. W seemed to snap out of it by the time we got downtown. Had a really nice lunch, then at the park S and I tossed around the football .. W even joined in, was a nice day.
After a bit at the park while we were walking I started thinking about the meltdown, I really began to question if that life is what I want. Those meltdowns have been happening pre BD, maybe it was a sign of early MLC .. maybe there have always been there and have just gotten worse, I am not certain. I was deep in thought, wondering if its better to just cut her and this loose. Struck me that I am at that point in all this ... its about what I want .. what I need out of a R or M, and Sunday was definitely not what I wanted nor needed. W noticed I was not 'there' she grabbed my hand and asked what was wrong, I told her nothing .. she smiled and said "mentiroso" ... in spanish that means liar .. was always something she would say to me when she was not buying what I was saying. I was not going to budge... I had my fill with her and the emotions earlier so talking about what was on my mind at that point was not going to get anywhere but another blow up. After that ... alot of hand holding, her grabbing my arm, grabbing my hand on the way home. She knows my LL is physical touch ... but during the spew she brought up the kiss and how she is not 'there' yet ... I was stewing on that a bit ... she went further with OM than just a kiss .. yet seems to be lines when her husband is involved .. yeah .. 2x4 me there but its what I was thinking ... more out of being frustrated and knowing Sunday is not the life I want.
On the way home she mentioned she wanted another nap .. I found that odd as it was almost 6, she shared how much better she sleeps in my bed than "our old one" ... was all I could do to beat off the OM/A images .. still a heavy trigger for me but W seems oblivious at times to that. Anyways I dropped her off, left it in her court if she wanted to come over and nap thats fine, I was going to cook dinner and a bit more for the week.
She ended up not coming over saying she was tired, I cooked an amazing spread, Fajitas, Spanish Rice, and this wonderful Chicken Enchilada Casserole .... I laugh because I am about as German as German can be but I just LOVE the latin food!!
Dropped off S this morning .. early, had it in my mind to just drop and go, honestly wanted no more of the MLC drama ... W gave that soft look and bear hugged me, apologized for being a bad wife, bad person, shared that she is battling things inside, I knew to STFU ... she told me it all started Sat night with the mess, her father used to do the same things she did to S, she said it upset her that she did it and she could not shake it, then she took it out on me. Said she realizes its her who starts the fights, wants to change does not know how, Told me she was going to set up an appt with Father D, and wanted to be more consistent on that ... then asked for a real hug .. I told her I am not sure where the line is with that anymore .. she just nodded her head letting me know she understood and then she started crying. I was really pretty detached ... told them to have a good day, went home grabbed the Harley and rode to work .. amazing what the ride does for me .... almost like a quick IC session.
So thats the weekend update. I am really not sure where I am at ... I feel I was bood with the boundaries of not putting up with the spewr, W really tested that this weekend but I did not move. Its clear the Push/Pull dance is alive and well. I find myself wondering how different this might all be if W was not so co-dependant ... I also wonder if I would still be here had I not have been the same .... I think I am better now .. but I held on when I think most people with better self esteem and self worth would have washed their hands of the entire mess.
I also am not sure I will ever get the A out, during the spew I was pretty good at staying locked up, but that hurt little boy inside was screaming to be let out, to unleash some spew of my own .... truth is I was scared to give into that anger, afraid to unleash the hell that lives inside ... something I need to focus on and work out, realizing now W is not going to make that healing process easy as she has her own plate she needs to clean off.
