I know in my case before I had counselling for both BD and for my depression I internalised *everything*. Took things and spun them in my head from every angle, worked out possible meanings good and bad and.....
..drove myself nuts.
In some ways Im probably a bit oversharing at times now but its so much less weight to carry around and I remember the days feeling like I was at the bottom of a well with the top being nailed shut and have no desire to go back there.
Not saying you have depression of course in my case that was the driver there but the internalising I can certainly relate to. You've seen my posts over the past 9 / 10 months and its only recently Ive been able to move away from digging and digging into w's communications, coincidently when my mood lightened as well. It's very difficult to resist I know especially when unexpected and I still catch myself doing it!
Keep going G you're doing so well, and congrats on the Gal and travel!
Cheers
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
Thanks, Edz. Your journey and patience with everything has been so inspiring actually. I always had visions of you just plugging away, mulling over "the thing" yes, but always ever so slowly heading toward your goals. Observing your humour was a turning point for me. Well more accurately your's, Jim's, and that stinking mooooose....were a turning point for me.
One of the things that's been really interesting to me is realising how introverted I am. I'm not the classic "prefers to stay at home and read a book" introvert so didn't identify with that classic example. Actually, I'm pretty outgoing and enjoy bouncing around ideas with other people rather than being left to my own devices. But I'm not comfortable being the centre of attention (at least when the focus is me personally; I'm totally fine speaking in front of people on an area of my expertise). I prefer to get to know people over a coffee with groovy music in the background, rather than out at a big party with loud music in the foreground (concerts are another matter). This time alone has definitely helped me see my introverted tendencies in a new light. I realise I have a rich inner world going on upstairs. It probably explains why I was content to just dabble away on my computer or whatever, all the while H looked on and figured whatever I was up to wasn't much fun. Actually ambivert is probably the best term for me (discovered that one recently and I like it).
But...I think I need to make a bit more effort to open up about things, especially as I meet new people through my GAL endeavours.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Sounds like you're doing a grand job to me Gan, keep going and remember if you can take a detatched look at yourself without being defensive on other peoples viewpoints then Ambivert (cool btw!) or introvert thats cool. In my case I did that and my thoughts were "wait, what, thats me now...oh! Some assembly required - possibly a little light demolition!"
Ah "Thing", still can't say what it was, I made a concious decision to not pry into w's dealings and nothing else came up from those channels so it seemed to just stop once she started to come back towards the idea of reconciling. Will it resurface and be a (caps) "THING" or not? Don't know, just decided to work on me, what I can in the m as w comes closer and relationship with s and leave "things" I cant do much about or that arent immediately apparent alone for now.
We shall, as they say, see!
Cheers Gan, keep on keeping on
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
where this got to in our case was that the difference in desire became so central to everything. If i went for more ordinary contact such as a hug or a kiss, my XW immediately felt she had to make clear it wasnt going any futher which just compounded the rejection. Its really not much fun when a 'I've just got in from work' hug is met with some variant of the 'I've got a headache' response. If i tried to talk to her about it then i handled it badly and ended up feeling guilty for 'pressuring' her.
Jim, meant to get back to you about this. I'm ashamed to say that this played out a little in our R as well (not the "just home from work" hug, but other more ordinary contact true). If your W was anything like me, then part of this might actually have been an attempt by her to "protect" your feelings ("protect" that's not quite the right word but it will have to do as I can't think of a better one). I know in my case, I *thought* by trying to send the signal that I wasn't into it earlier on, I would avoid the rejection later when contact was more intense. But it was rejection nonetheless. I see that now.
Something else I noticed (and recall physical touch is one of my main LL)...H would get frustrated sometimes when I would...er...touch him while he was making breakfast say. He'd ask why I didn't do it earlier, when we were still in bed. I think this reflects 2 things: (1) I evidently wanted to touch him but in a way that didn't send the message that it would lead to sex, and (2) he seemed to think that touch leads to sex. And I think that's the crux of it really - different expectations around what physical touch means. No right or wrong. Just is.
Man, I feel like a fool for making it all sound so complex. But I guess it is given that so many couples struggle with this. Based on my reading, it seems the patterns are just as reproducible across different Rs as the WAS scripts are that we all see on here.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Wow, gan, I just read through the last few pages of your thread. What an interesting discussion. It's unfortunate that sex seems to be such a source of stress for so many couples when it has the potential to be so binding. I'm not going to weigh in on the topic, I missed that window of opportunity, but it did give me something to think about. And reinforces my belief that I settled for far too long but makes me fear that by refusing to settle next time I'll end up with nothing.
Also, for those of you who were wow'd by my 25km hike plus yoga - I think I've discovered the secret. I did another 30km hike this past Sunday. Threw in some half pigeon pose after (Eka Padarajakapotasana - as if I didn't just google that) and I was really good on Monday. For the runners out there, you can find a few running sites that recommend it.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
One of the things that's been really interesting to me is realising how introverted I am. I'm not the classic "prefers to stay at home and read a book" introvert so didn't identify with that classic example. Actually, I'm pretty outgoing and enjoy bouncing around ideas with other people rather than being left to my own devices. But I'm not comfortable being the centre of attention (at least when the focus is me personally; I'm totally fine speaking in front of people on an area of my expertise). I prefer to get to know people over a coffee with groovy music in the background, rather than out at a big party with loud music in the foreground (concerts are another matter). This time alone has definitely helped me see my introverted tendencies in a new light. I realise I have a rich inner world going on upstairs. It probably explains why I was content to just dabble away on my computer or whatever.
Hi I'm Jim and this ^^^^^ describes me pretty much perfectly
what i have found though is that opening up a little bit, and in truth not a huge amount has really opened up some more human connections for me, I think Brene Brown would say i've shown some vulnerability. Its still really uncomfortable mind.
Originally Posted By: gan
And I think that's the crux of it really - different expectations
a sentence which seems to sum up so many of the issues that get describe round these parts.
and one thats so easily resolved by some effective communication - If only i knew that sooner......
so is Uganda work or holiday?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
