Heavy, it may have been about timing. She was already upset today regarding your reminders of hats and sunscreen, that she felt she was covered and didn't need your help there. Now a couple hours later, you send an unsolicited message about something similar.
If this had come on a good day for her, you might not have gotten that response, who knows. I'm mind reading here, but maybe she feels guilty about affair, breaking the family up, being a bad parent, etc. Mother's Day can add to it.
Then when the other parent is giving you reminders on things you need to do or should do, it could trigger her more.
I don't think you said or did anything over the line. But seeing these reactions, do a 180. Maybe before messaging or reminding think, is this absolutely necessary right now or can it wait.
I do also agree with not taking her bait. Should help give you more positive interactions.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
To add on to Ripken, one of the things I got from the book was to try to deliver the messages at a time when they will be best received. I want to talk with my wife about a bday present for D5, but I want to wait until a time where I know she won't be non-receptive.
I can see you POV, maybe my timing was not so great after a hard afternoon.
As far as the sunscreen issue, my D6 was wearing a new outfit with no arms coverings and very little back cloth. I didn't accuse my WW of putting her in jeopardy of sunburn, I just said casually, lets go put on some sunscreen while I get some stuff out of the car and off we skipped to the car.
But yes, in the light of an objective third party, I can see how it might have been taken as a criticism. I honestly thought I was doing a favor, getting them lathered up and that's why I keep sunscreen and hats in the car, for sunny days. That's how it used to be, one of us would load up the car, the other would tend to the needs of the kids, we would tag team it so one of us wasn't doing all of the heavy lifting or work. But we are not a team anymore. I have to remember that. I was fired from the team. I have to remember that too.
I will refrain from any more reminders. I can see how this could be viewed as pursuing behavior.
She was "short" with the kids today I did notice. She criticized them for reading at the table, making too much noise, not eating all of their food, etc... Maybe today was just a hard day for her for whatever reason that I had nothing to do with.
There you go, heavy. Please don't take my feedback as something you need to beat yourself up over. Just look at it as one of the basic principals of db. Try something out and if you don't like the results, try something else.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I will be as dark as I can but as polite as I can and cooperative as I can.
I just feel like no mater what I do, it is met with a massive ammount of ANGER and NEGATIVITY. It feels like her trying to exert her control over me and I have to just give up letting it bother me. No matter what she says or does, I won't take the bait. It really does feel like she goes out of her way to push my buttons and hurt me. I just don't get it.
She referred twice to some HR issue at work and asked me to keep the kids tonight after GS meeting. I said sure and did not ask about HR issue at her work, it's none of my business.
I called to speak to kids last night and we have a nice conversation, I thanked them again for the gifts and how good it was to see them. WW actually spoke to me on the phone and we went over some kid logistics. She mentioned the HR issue again and again I did not ask what's going on. I heard her yell at the kids "Be quiet, I've already asked you 4 times to be quiet".
Why is it so hard for me to break out of the mindset of "us". Thee is no "us" anymore. It's just "me" now.
I went to a new church Sunday and really liked it. I went by myself and prayed a long time for courage and strength and for God to be with me so I don't have to go through this alone.
Through church, I got some baseball tickets for Friday for me and kids and signed us up for a party in the park. I also ordered a bike rack for my car so I can haul around our 3 bikes. I got my daughter's bike repaired as well. I really want us to ride together as a family activity.
I bought my son's Boy Scout uniform and supplies and was talking to him about it Sunday during lunch. My WW said "Since when are you so into scouting". I said "I think it will be good for S9 and he will get to be with other boys his age." and left it at that. It's as if she is suspiscious of my motives. Oh well, nothing I can do about it.
Does GAL have to be for just me or is it family activity? I am viewing it as family activities but a few are for me only - music playing and exercise.
Thanks DB board as always for listening and guidance.
Rock bottom means different things for different people. As I recall, you've gotten up and left restaurants when taking to your W before. Are you at rock bottom?
I have a different perspective on rock bottom. In my opinion, you guys aren't anywhere near rock bottom. But that's just from my perspective and observations and opinions.
It really doesn't matter what we think -- it matters what you feel and believe.
HD - I think you're letting your W have too much real-estate in your head. I think you're taking things too personally --- and I know it's hard not to. I agree with the poster who said that W is reflecting her problems back on you. My IC has said similar things to me as well.
I may be completely off, but HD, I get the feeling that you are a sensitive soul who has been hurt in the past and has alot of walls and toughness to her to protect herself from past hurts. When you love, you love deeply. You wear your heart on your sleeve. And this is so hard for you because it's not at all what you imagined and what you wanted and a various amounts of other things swirling around inside your head.
What your W did to you and your family is not indicative of you as a person. It does not define nor value you. It's so hard to try to find a lesson from all of this, but HD, maybe this is preparing you for something greater. A new R with your W, or with yourself or with someone else.
I urge you to live your life without regrets. Without second guessing, without the what ifs.
The moment you let go of the control or the need to control (and it's so ironic that I type this because I'm a control freak) great things are going to happen. You just have to throw your hands in the air and see what you'll catch.
(HD)
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
A small correction - not me getting up and leaving, but WW does that. Just gets up and leaves. It's akward, embarassing, leaves me feeling confused, disoriented, scared and just again with the rug pulled out from under me. This happens over and over with me it seems. There must be a lesson in this, I am looking hard to understand the lesson and find meaning for myself. I am tired of living like this. Living in fear of being alone, being broke, losing my kids, fear of living in the moment.
Perhaps you are right, I just really and completely need to let go of the control aspect.
It's ironic that you urged me to "live life without regrets". That seems to be the mantra of my WW. When we first started dating 20 years ago, we had bracelets made that said "No Regrets" in Latin.
Fast forward to now, she said to me she wants to live her life with no regrets and had bracelets made with Hindu language for her and her AP and she left. She is a firm believer of living with no regrets.... and off she went...
