I had two breakthroughs in the service. I'll save one for the moment, but the one I share has to do with what I'll be able to bring to my next M.
See, there are many things that I won't be able to bring. I won't be able to offer my virginity. I won't be able to offer my heart for the first time. I won't be able to make my future wife my first Mrs. Zues. I won't be able to have our first children together. And I won't be able to love with the blind devotion, trust, and faith that I had in my first M. I won't be able to give her my entire life together, as I've already walked a number of miles.
But then it hit me. I will be able to offer her a mature love. A love that has learned boundaries. A love that has learned to tend to myself, so that I can be a pillar of strength to her, instead of a bundle of anxious needs. A love that understands it takes more than positive intentions, but rather skills, sacrifice, and hard work to maintain itself. And a love that knows just how precious it is to share a life long commitment together.
The first part of that made me a bit anxious thinking about for the first time. Something I haven't really considered before. The second part had excellent points that made up for it. Very intersecting.
I also took away something from my churches sermon today that caught me off guard. The idea was about sin and what we were holding onto instead of trusting God with. The series was titled "Mirror, mirror" and the pastor asked us to take a hard look into the mirror at ourselves and what we may be hiding from Jesus, to look at our sins and what we don't trust. First thought was W listening also and the sermon telling her to "look into the mirror at your sins".
Then I realized I haven't been trusting God with this situation, that I don't trust him to bring me through it with W at the end. But, that's what I want, not what I need. I basically prayed to give me what I need through this and let me become the person I should be. With W, with someone else, or alone. Trust that regardless I will be OK.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
