I hate Mother's Day. I know it seems so pessimistic, but I just wish it didn't exist. I would be totally fine if it didn't.

I have been struggling for the last two days with this. I have pretended it didn't and almost pulled it off.

First, my GAL has picked up momentum, however, it's not a one size fits all. I can't seem to get it right. Nothing fills the void. But, I'm ok, and dealing with it. I know it's part of the process, as much as I feel I am working against the current.

Last year, I knew nothing of hww. She was fairly newly preg.. but I didn't know. When i found out of it, it was something that bothered me- he spent Mothers and Fathers day with her. WTF!

Whateve...

At least last year I got, "Happy Mother's Day!" first thing in the morning, if only to be followed by crickets to my response.

I have been denying my stress for the past couple of days.

I told myself, just "focus on..." and i am so tired of having to put so much focus on.. just to get by...



I didn't hear from xh last month for my bday. I didn't expect to, really. But, it was the first in 20.

I realized today, it was different, bc he was celebrating with someone else. I played it off all day. Played myself. Morning was a little bit of a downer. Yet, I heard from xbil first thing this morning, which was nice, but a reminder. Saw my fam for brunch. It was cool. But, I realized, I am like an outsider. Not because of them. Because I'm trying to find my place. It's just not the same. I just watch. It's very different for me. I am so used to being so involved. Loud and talkative. I don't have much to say anymore. Nothing seems just right.

Not a complaint. Just a self-observation.

The day has passed. I was aware of the silence. Not that I expected. I just hate it. I hate that my family is SO messed up bc he had to f her. That he has a child bc of that.

I think about her. What stage she is in. Is she starting to get her first tooth? Is she sitting up yet? I deny to myself that... but part of my brain works against me. I just can't help it. A little girl was riding her little pink bike on the street today in front of my house. I just think about how he will be there with her in a few years. Every little kid makes me think about him living in that...

I try so hard to fight it... it's just hard to deny.

I could hear xbil and xsil next door this morning getting ready to leave. They don't go out anywhere or anything. So I start to wonder if they are going to mil or something. And will xh take hww there. My mind starts to go... I try to put it to sleep.

But then... Im good. I know I'm OK and I put things into perspective and everything is good.

Then I get a text from xh's sister. I haven't heard from her once through this. We used to be close. She just said HMD.. I returned the same. She responds, I love you all. I kind of lost it for like 15 minutes. I was OK, but it brought out things I didn't know existed. I realized there is more in me that I need to deal with.

I thought I pulled it together. Then... I started thinking about the baby again.

So I just took a shower. I cried my eyes out. Got myself together. And notice.... I got a text from xh:

"Happy Mother's Day"

It seemed with such... I don't know.. carelessness..

I know it seem stupid of me to say that. And... makes me seem like a b... but, really, I just fell apart again.

I haven't responded because i just have nothing to say.