I THINK her panic is more about it sinking in that she's losing 50% of her time with her kids.
She's not attracted to Defacto right now and so truly panicking over him isn't fully on her mind consciously yet. She knows she misses something and thinks maybe it's just his friendship when he pulls back like this but then her wayward mind recalls that Defacto is annoying (in her mind).
Consider this the Wayward Tango.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
"She knows she misses something and thinks maybe it's just his friendship when he pulls back like this but then her wayward mind recalls that Defacto is annoying (in her mind)."
No, I can be pretty annoying. Why do you think my screename is Defacto?
STBX called on the way into work. She asked what the kids and I did all day. I briefly began to list some of the things we did today. Then I put D4 on speakerphone to talk with her. D4 made a comment at the end about "loving her daddy" that seemed to startle STBX a bit. She actually asked me to repeat what D4 said. Usually, D4 is overly emotional about missing her mom on the phone. Maybe it was a surprise for her to hear.
I began to end the call with my usual "have a good night at work" bit but she started to talk about a patient at work who got really sick and got admitted into the ICU. She appeared to be really troubled by it so I let her just talk about it. I validated her and resisted the temptation to give any advice. At the end of the call, I affirmed her by saying that she was a good nurse. And, somewhere in the conversation, I wished her a happy Mother's Day again and thanked her for being a good mom to the kids.
It didn't feel like I was pursuing but I did feel like I was supportive. I know this is a 180 from the stoic version of me. But, I am concerned with this strategy a bit.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Quick question, gang. STBX was really worried about her patient while heading into work last night. She didn't call this morning like she usually does.
Should I reach out with a text to check on her? Or let her deal with this one on her own and just ask about it the next time we talk?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
T0 & Mahhhty, You're right. I knew the answer. I was just second guessing myself this morning. If STBX wanted my support she would've called.
Good news is I've got the next three nights to myself. I have two nights already booked up. And tonight, I'm going to start getting ready for my camping trip with D4 best Sunday.
I hope everyone is having an okay Monday.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Journaling: I miss a call from STBX while I'm running errands. I call her back and she says that D4 wanted her to ask me if I would eat sushi with them (yeah, my daughter likes sushi!) I told her that I couldn't make it but I thanked her for the invite. I told her I was picking up supplies for the camping trip this weekend. I said, "You know how I get (referring to my super detailed preparations and lists) She said, "Yeah, I love that."
Since then, STBX sent a couple of texts and pics from the restaurant about D4.
Then, she called after dinner to tell me how dinner went with the kids. In the background I could hear D4 screaming "We miss you, Daddy!"
And, STBX sent some more texts of pics of kids throughout the night. I will usually respond to a text about the kids but, other stuff, I will usually let hang there.
Anyway, crazy busy day at work so I'm enjoying the relaxing night to myself. Other than that, pretty uneventful day.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Journaling: STBX called while she was on her way to pick up D4 from school. She asked how my day was going. I then asked about S1. We happily conversed about his nuances and development.
Then, STBX said that she might have an appraiser come by to look at the house later this week. I asked her to let me know what she needs.
I thanked her for calling, said it was good to talk with her (she replied in kind), and wished her a good day with the kids.
----
Good news is all of our interactions are cordial. Up until today, it had been a week without any D talk.
STBX is obviously still thinking about me to some extent because she has sent texts of music recommendations or a reminder that one of my favorite artists is performing on late night tv.
Still, she is obviously still moving forward with D too. I simply need to remain calm and confident, taking advantage of my newfound free time, while being ready to seize opportunities to make small connections with STBX.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Still, she is obviously still moving forward with D too. I simply need to remain calm and confident, taking advantage of my newfound free time, while being ready to seize opportunities to make small connections with STBX.
Remembering that sometimes, remaining strong, calm and confident requires you to be unavailable. Sometimes picking up the phone is the worse thing you can do. Watch out for the roller coaster. Stay away from high highs and low lows.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
