Mozza (12) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary. I thought I would see it coming from afar, but it didn't occur to me until last night. I'm not overly sad, but it's definitely not how I wanted to spend that day. It makes me think of her bright yellow dress at the wedding and, most of all, her welled up eyes as she looked at me and repeated "until death do us apart". It's a moment about which I think many times a week. It's hard to believe it is so recent. It is one of the reason why it's so easy for me to buy into the DB principle that we never know the future.

Of course, it's also Mother's Day. I didn't prepare anything for her, not even with the kids because they had already prepared something at school and daycare. But I wouldn't have anyway.* I'm afraid WW hasn't had her best year as a W and mom. At BD, she couldn't care less about the impact of the D on the kids. She hid behind "they're resilient". I remember how little she cared about announcing the S to them. No, I don't feel like wishing her a good Mother's day.

* This is one of the reasons I'm S. If my WW did something wrong, I would punish her across the board, demanding near perfection in return for my affection and kindness. Thankfully, I'm cured now.

Ironically, I will go on a date for the first time today. Someone I met online. It will be just a walk in the park, perhaps stopping somewhere for coffee or drinks. I was supposed to have a date last night, but after a chance encounter with the woman the day before, I decided I was not interested and cancelled. If I'm learning something from this online dating is that, while I'm usually working up the courage to talk to women, rejecting is not easy either. I've had more success than anticipated and it's been a little overwhelming. I make a point of ignoring no one, whether I'm interested or not. But if I go on a date with every women who's interested or, worse, who interests me, this will become a full time occupation!

In other news, my WW has asked that we start the mediation process. She wrote that it would help us see the situation more clearly and move on with our lives. I told her I was in no rush, but that I would not get in the way of "her" divorce. She confirmed that she wants to start and she will now find a few potential mediators for us to choose from. I dread meeting her and avoid it at all costs, but if you hadn't guessed already, it's because I really want to meet her. So, in a way, I'm actually looking forward to these mediation sessions. I want information on how she is, I want to show her who I've become. But also, I agree that the D might be just what we both really need to let go and see each other in a different light. I just pray I won't cry at these sessions. I'm usually pretty good in public. For those wondering if I still want to R, my heart says yes, my head says no, and I listen to neither of them.

D7 went to summer camp for 3 days last week. She was going with her mom right after, but she had a couple of hours at school in between and I stopped by to pick up her luggage and talk about it with her. I was so sad that this is how I get to know such important milestones in her life — her first sleepover without family, the fantastic memories of camp. We cuddled and talked for 15 minutes in the school yard and I hid my tears behind my sunglasses. During her time away, I took it easy with D3 both mornings: she climbed up in my bed and we joked around, cuddled and tickled. I miss my kids.

This update is full of contradictions about wedding and D, vows and separation, dating and mediation, kids and sadness, rejection and attraction. And that's my life right now.