Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

I dropped the kids back this morning with their mum and we had the first proper conversation we've had in quite a while now. I had taken the kids out on a nice day out yesterday, something a little more than usual, and W ended up trying to get some information out of me about the day out. This lead to a ten minute conversation on the door step. One thing I noticed is that she is very concerned with me not seeing what is going on in her house. She has a three foot square hall by her front door and another door leading to the living room. She made sure to shut this over tight so I couldn't see into the living room (why would I be bothered anyway?).

We talked about the kids, her work, my work, potential annual holidays for this year (separately, of course). On the one had it was nice to have a normal conversation with her that seemingly did not have some hidden agenda or ended up with her threats of wanting money etc. On the other hand I felt different to how I have done previously. There was no 'game plan' from myself in how to handle the conversation, no looking for signs of improvement etc, I was just myself, take it or leave it.

Although I've expressed here how my feelings have changed over the recent weeks, I think my W has been in the mindset still that I am moping over her day and night etc. Well, I cleared that up a week or so ago in a telephone call when she was being nasty to me, saying how I was trying to control her. I replied 'I'm not trying to control you. I'm quite happy at the moment and that's because I don't really want anything to do with you other than the kids'. At the time she said 'that's fine' but I think it may have slightly shocked her to really see the change in attitude.

Edit: Just thinking and rereading this back, another thing I've noticed since I made it clear I'm no longer interested in her is that her last few text messages have been a lot more cordial. For a while now she wouldn't use my name in a message, but in the last few she has started to say, yes, that's fine alpha, no alpha, at 3pm alpha. I may be reading more into that than there is but it is a recent trend I noticed.

Anyway, our conversation today stemmed from the fact that I just dropped the kids off, mentioned a few practical things about them, and was walking down the garden path to leave. She called me back to ask about the day out and the conversation went from there. I was weighing her up as we spoke and one thing I've noticed is that she's putting quite a bit of weight on. Her face is swelling. At home previously, although I had put weight on in recent years, this last year or more I've lost a lot and would try and instigate a lot of activities. I think on her own with the freedom to do/eat whatever she likes is definitely taking its toll on her.

So, I wonder whether this is a one off thing on her part in being nice or whether it is coinciding with her being alone, maybe reality setting in that it won't be so easy for her to find a long term partner when she has a limited income and two children hanging around, and the fact that she now clearly sees I'm not pursuing her in the slightest.

I don't see any dramatic turn around on the cards of her starting to pursue me or anything, but she did mention one or two small things from our past when talking about the future today, so again, as the dust settles for her it will be interesting to see if she changes her attitude once more.

For myself, I think my head has cleared from the initial shock of everything and I'm quite happy with my life right now. I am working full time, earning enough money to restore my depleted funds, making new friends, and enjoying a variety of different activities. Thinking long and hard to myself about the hypothetical situation where my W would potentially want to rekindle things (don't see it happening myself), I have wondered whether I'd want her back at all. The only reason I can come up with for a yes is to have a united family for our children. Whilst that would mean the world to me, to ensure my children grow up in a traditional family unit, I can't see myself being happy with her again. Maybe her A was a blessing. Yes, we'd spent a long time together, and yes people get bogged down by life, children, work etc, but I feel far happier now than I have done in a long time, despite the family holidays of yesteryear etc. Again, my only nagging thought is about my children. I love them with all the world. I just don't think that should the situation arise I could take my W back unless she somehow had a personality transplant and became a much more interesting person concerned with more things than just watching TV or playing on her phone.

That's not to be critical of her (I know it appears to be), it's just our separation and time to think has really highlighted the mismatch in our personalities, influences, opinions, mentalities. I feel like I dragged her along through our R, and now I'm not doing that, she appears to have settled back into the 'teenager hanging around on a street corner' mentality she pretty much had when I first met her. I thought she'd outgrown that over time through being with me and life's developments (children, marriage, house etc) but she seems to have fell straight back into old habits.

On reflection I think I'd struggle to ever forgive her for having an A. Yes, maybe it could be done over time. I do have 'images' in my head about what they might have done together and it turns my stomach - so I try not to think of that anymore.

Of course all of this forgets the fact that in the last week she has been sending and receiving naked pictures of herself to people I guess she's met on the internet. It's sad, really sad to see someone you used to love appear to be going off the rails in such a way.

As for myself, the dating with the girl I met recently seems to have come to an end. I will see her later this week through the quiz we both go to, but for whatever reason (I don't quite understand why after a few dates she has just gone cold) it appears to have fizzled out. I'd like to be proved wrong there as I thought we seemed suited to each other, we have gotten along great, similar interests and all that as I've written previously, much more suited to me than my W it would appear, but there you go. Oh well...