NoleGrl (2) Moving Forward

[Zues126]

There is no excuse for an affair, and there is no one on the board that has more disdain for walking away from a M. No matter what you did those were his choices. No one will dispute that.

Nor will we dispute that you had felt neglected and unfulfilled for a great part of your M. Let's be clear, when a spouse walks away it isn't like their partner had been happy for years either, they simply hadn't given up.

Typically though one incident doesn't change a happy marriage into a desolate one. The fact that you had been frustrated up until that point means he probably had been as well. And for him to have done the things he did, he must have been beyond his ability to cope for a long time.

Looking at this as a one time incident that he overreacted to won't get you that far. I would think this was simply the moment at which he first gave up on the idea that you two could make a M work. But people don't walk away from a M the first moment they feel defeated. He must have spent the remainder of the time weighing things out, waiting for a sign that things could be different, wrestling with his conflicted feelings. But finally, after he gave up, he looked at this fight as the moment he first felt it would be over. Not because he was happy before, and not because he didn't try in his own way afterwards.

So maybe the fight itself wasn't such a big deal in the scheme of things, although it's interesting that it stemmed from him staying out and trying to have fun. It seems fitting that he was out trying to have fun adventures when he felt trapped and unfulfilled in his M, and that he saw you as trying to control him and neglect his needs.

Tough stuff. Again, NONE of this excuses his destructive behavior. And if the A is a deal breaker then it doesn't much matter why. But if it isn't, or you're not sure at this point, I recommend continuing to find compassion for the pain he is going through rather than just focusing on the pain he's causing you.

Take care NG.