Feeling the need to post dear friends. House is so quiet without kids. That brings me to the ideas of being ok with solitude. I just have to make peace with it and continue to move forward.
I make these plans to do things on the weekends to keep me occupied but it feels as if I am running from myself. I have to learn to be ok with being alone. I used to fear being overwhelmed now I fear the stillness.
I will have to read up on this and talk to my friends about it. It just feels like there is no point - does anyone else feel that way?
Am I all alone out here? Of course the kids won't be with me for Mothers Day - another kick in the gut. Ahhh. I guess it's just another day.
Looking back as I have been doing lately so many signs that I was too oblivious to put together. I mean who works a 16 hour day regularly because of projects and who goes to work at 5:30 to get an early start on the day. She had an office job. Then when all the texting started it was due to work projects and the going out with friends after work were to relieve the stress of the day.
We marry based on trust. Remember that big ceremony?
No one gets married believing that they will be betrayed. That wouldn't be a marriage.
Are you alone in what you are thinking about keeping busy vs solitude?
Let me tell you something about my separation agreement. I think there are about 40 standard clauses on who gets custody on what holidays and events. One standard is that the kids stay with mom on mothers day. I can't fathom how many of these standard agreements have been used over the decades.
The point is, you are literally not alone. How many people have signed such custody agreements and how many are contemplating the very same things you are right now?
Just think about it. Millions in the US right now, even more if you think about the whole world. And how many might be in even worse situations?
And when you think that right now, you are sharing the same experiences with millions of others, feeling and thinking the same thoughts. It takes a little edge off things.
See you on Father's day Heavy. I'll be thinking about you.
The quietness is downright spooky. Still, always deep down is the fear that I am driving her further and further and further away from me with my non pursuit.
Your not driving her away, shes driving away. You don't control it, you just get taken for the rough ride while shes desperately searching for what she thinks she needs to be happy. Shes looking in all the wrong places and hopefully one day she will see that. Shes not even looking back to see if your ok right now, shes just going full speed ahead no matter whats in her path. Don't feel guilty about what shes doing, or what you think you need to be doing for her.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I will have to read up on this and talk to my friends about it. It just feels like there is no point - does anyone else feel that way?
Am I all alone out here?
Yes, we all have those feelings, no, you are not alone. You lost something that was a major part of your life. You just have to give yourself time, things will one day get better.
Even if you missed signs she wanted space, she still walked away, not you. That's all on her. You contributed to the M state, just as she did, but you didn't force her to do anything. She choose this.
Happy mothers day, I'm sorry you cant be with your children tomorrow. Is there something you can do to still enjoy the weekend alone? Think outside the box if you have to, do something completely out of the ordinary and new. Surprise yourself.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
HeavyD, what is something nice you can do just for you that you couldn't do with kids in the house? Take a bubble bath? Read a novel? Watch your favorite guilty tv show? Paint your nails?
Happy Mothers Day to you. I'm sorry your kids won't be with you tomorrow. This is not my weekend with D12, either, and I thought I wasn't going to see her tomorrow, H had not mentioned Mother's Day nor offered to let her come over. Finally, I invited them both to dinner, he accepted. Mission accomplished, although in a fairly sneaky way.
What a great idea SunnyB. I am glad they accepted.
Just freaking out lately that the end is in sight. Some on the boards say that D is not the end. You can always remarry if you want but the odds are 5%. Pretty low right.
Just cannot fathom how I got here but here I am. Never thought this would ever happen to me.
My WW is "so happy" with her creepy circus freak. My only consolation is that she lives in another city and hopefully will stay there, which should reduce the chances of my kids having to deal with it.
When I talk to W it is if she is suddenly 16 years old again and throwing a temper tantrum. I have seen this look when she deals with her Mom. Its is bizarre to watch and I just validate and try not to escalate any conversations into arguments.
I did manage to score a dinner tonight with a friend and an invitation to a Mothers Day brunch (solo). So...there you go, fast track to Dville but I am the lighthouse and will continue to shine my light.
I feel so sorry for my WW. She is making such bad choices for her and our family. She see's it of course as FREEDOM and liberty from he oppressor. She told me that's how she felt when she was kicked out of her Mom's house at 16. She was dirt poor, had to eat ramen noodles, withdrew from school, but was FREE and in her mind, that was worth everything. Oh, the relationship that got her kicked out of the house did not last either. This whole situation seems like replay from 30 years ago.
Heavy - I feel for u. As my ww continues to escalate the d proceedings and I move out, while I'm angry I do feel a lot of pity and sorrow for her. I truly believe she is not herself and not thinking right. She is just trying to escape.
That being said, it doesn't mean I'm ready to trust her or would want to jump into a relationship with her.
The more time goes on the more I fully begin to accept and understand it could be over. Which [censored]. But the thing that is comforting is its not just the good things that I remember being over, but all the bad too. If something does happen down the road, it can only mean it would be better and not more of the same.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I used to fear being overwhelmed now I fear the stillness.
I will have to read up on this and talk to my friends about it. It just feels like there is no point - does anyone else feel that way?
Am I all alone out here?
Hello Heavy,
First of all, thank you so much for posting on my thread. You brought a huge smile to my face when I needed it most!
I feel we all have those feelings from time to time. So, no, you are not alone Heavy. I'm at that point now myself.
As Fogg mentioned, "Your not driving her away, shes driving away." And why is that? I think it's because she needs time to heal herself.
At times, I feel skeptical about the non-pursuit approach, but we have to trust the process. Yes, it's counter-intuitive but I think it's very important to stick to it. Pursuing simply gives the spouse who wants out another reason to think, "See, this is why I can't live with S any more."
So, I know it will be hard, but try to have a Happy Mother's Day.
I will say a prayer dedicated just to you today.
(((HeavyD)))
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I will add my opinion and observation to the mix as well. Our spouses have made their decision to walk away from our relationships. We cannot change that. All we can do is continue to work on ourselves and be the lighthouse. I grew with the fact that it's not just the good times that we are missing, but also the bad times. Most of our spouses have treated us poorly with their selfish behaviors, and I think it's important that we don't just sweep that under the rug.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Most of our spouses have treated us poorly with their selfish behaviors, and I think it's important that we don't just sweep that under the rug.
Hi Kramer,
That is a great point you made.
Take care of yourself!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
