Surrendering this battle to win the war.

[Zues126]

You're going to have to let go here.

Here's the thing- no one knows what your W is going to do, because she's out of your control. Of course she's conflicted and afraid of judgment. Will that mean she hits rock bottom and sees things differently at some point? Or will she continue to medicate, avoid, and pursue more extreme distractions? Or will she gradually settle down on these things and stabilize into a healthier life but still want nothing to do with you?

The fact is that no one knows, and looking at her every mood change, conversational tone, etc, will only keep you very attached. This will cause you pain and suffering, and that pain and suffering will lead to more judgment and criticism of your W. Because where it's really coming from is "You're hurting me so you're bad"!!!

Think about that for a minute. If she wasn't hurting you, do you think you'd care about her behavior? Before you bring the kids in, hold up. There are MANY jerks on this planet that treat other people poorly. You don't let it get to you because they're not part of your world, you don't allow them to impact you. Well, you need to let go of your WAW so you begin to feel that way about her.

Because all of the criticism about her parenting, her cheating, her leaving the M, her behavior, her lies, her treatment of you...it's got to be very fatiguing. You know my sitch, so you know I get you have to be aware of the impact to the kids...but unless you have reason to take immediate protective action, you need to just leave it alone. Worrying about what others think of her and you, what they'll believe, who's side they're on, etc, not helping.

So how do you let go of this? Well, it is DEFINITELY a process, and won't happen immediately. But it won't happen naturally either. You have to decide you're going to break the habit of judging and criticizing your WAW, which again requires you to not allow her to hurt you anymore. If that means you have to "give up" on the M, that's fine, as long as "giving up" doesn't involve anything not DB recommended (medication, affairs, any bridge burners). But even until you're detached I want to know-

How do you normally find forgiveness for people that have hurt you? How do you normally avoid judging others?

Let me know, I have a few thoughts but want yours first.