It's a nightmare. Wake me up 2

[25yearsmlc]

Hey K,

First,

please realize that we know this isn't easy and it can get confusing, until if & when you have a fairly clear (but always flexible) Game Plan.

At this point, you still lack one. I HIGHLY recommend you hire a DB coach, for clarity if nothing else.

Okay now, a few things I noticed herein...

25yearsmic, I thank you for being honest with me.

I do not want to give her the impression, that I am not interested in her stuff. If I am too short with words, she might think, that I am cold or rude or bitchy.

This is mostly about HER PERCEPTION of you, which is about her and Not you. Let's get back to You...b/c once again, you are all you control.

Simply be authentically interested to the point you can safely be interested in the mother of your children WITHOUT attaching any expectations therefrom

I said ^^ "simply be...", not b/c it's easy - but b'c it's Not always that complex.

In this post are some examples of you NOT being detached from her or the outcome of interactions with her, which is key to Detachment.

(SO is GAL and I need to hear a whole lot more about your GAL, btw, and a lot less about her perceptions or words or feelings OR your perceptions of those...)


Yes, you are right! I have lost the path again. In moments like this, I get the impression, that I am just not able to make it.


Been there^^, done that. I told my sisters there was a "90% chance h & I would be divorced" by the summer's end. My feelings changed. So will yours and so will your w's. Nothing Is written in stone.



I had some good days and I have thought, that she became a bit warmer and BANG she tells me again ILYBINILWY.


Do Not monitor for results so often or so soon! (And Do Not take the temperature of the R, even if you are only doing so internally--Not helpful to you)

Your patience level must increase 10 fold...literally. Just be the best YOU that you can be, and let the cards fall where they will.

STOP looking over your shoulder to see if she noticed OR if she might be "warmer" or looking at you differently. OR wanting to throw in the towel b/c last week she made eye contact and this week she said she is angry at you...

get off the roller coaster.

Aside from the reality that she's probably on to you doing all that monitoring (and it's SO much more noticeable than you realize),

and aside from how needy it looks,

it also makes ANY changes you are demonstrating, Look Fake

(as if they are "tactics" just to get her back) so that IF you two reconcile,

you will of course revert to your old ways - b/c your "changes" are Not real or permanent.

Do you get what I'm saying? In other words, you're hurting your cause with all this monitoring and getting so frutrqtied with HER reactions to changes you are supposedly making -

b/c

IF YOUR CHANGES WERE AUTHENTIC,

(& YOU DID THEM TO IMPROVE YOURSELF & TO PLEASE YOURSELF) -

YOU WOULD NOT NOTICE OR CARE WHAT HER REACTION WAS.... never mind whether she is "warmer" or

SAYS ILYBINILWY

b/c you're not supposed to listen to ANYTHING she says and only half of what she does.

I know you have heard all these^^ "mantras" before.

Start applying them to yourself.

I pick up myself and try to be unimpressed, work on my stuff and I get the impression, that she is less distant and BANG, she tells me, she is still planning the D. I am hopeless right now.

Part of our marriage problems was, that I was emotionally distant for a long time. If I am distant right now, she might think that I am back into old patterns. "Yeah, I know this look on his face. He is not interested in that what moves me."


I understand. So you have to handle being detached differently.

The "rules" are merely guidelines that are meant as GUIDES. When Sandi wrote them she mentions that some won't apply and no one needs all of them.

If your issue was not being connected with her at a deep level (not listening to her) and lacking empathy or she felt that you lacked it there are things you can do and should do regardless of the marriage.

ALL people want to feel heard and validated. So LISTEN to her.

Re-cap what she tells you so you know you got it right. "W, let me see if I got this right, you're saying the children hate the basketball coach BUT They love the team -- so they only want to play on the team he's NOT coaching, correct? I don't know how that affects driving them to practice, etc. How do YOU feel about that?"

(That ^^one is fairly easy yet you'd be surprised how many people do NOT re-cap b/c they think their time is so important that they cannot verify what their spouse said, let alone show they care about it.)

When she speaks to you, LOOK at her and don't be distracted

By example, ---IF your wife were to look you in the eye and tell you that she is "in love" with you, you would probably be very moved.

What if she told you she is "in love" with you, while she's looking at her watch??

See the difference? Same words very different meanings. LISTEN ACTIVELY

ALSO AND THIS IS KEY

IF she revises an event and makes it all your fault, if that is AT ALL accurate

(like if you really did drop the ball & cause some of her pain)

THEN YOU SAY

"W, I remember that & I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." Say this sincerely.

IF SHE revises an incident way out of proportion or you truly really do NOT recall it at all

do Not argue with you (you won't win, you'll just confirm her reasons for leaving)

you say

"Wow I sure don't recall it that way, BUT I'm sorry you were hurt. If I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently.""

This ^^ response does Not escalate; it does NOT lead to another argument and in fact it usually diffuses a situation (so use it that way)

it's honest, AND it shows that you would like to change some things - which is a change in itself. It's Not the time for you to say "and YOU have to change too"...you say nothing about HER; just you.

And it's not a doormat answer either. I'd memorize it if I were you.

FTR, there was an event I simply had NO recall of and I kind of thought h was going nuts.

In fact I was so mad that I almost called him a liar to his face, but right before I did, as I muttered about it, my d9 heard me.

She piped in that SHE recalled the event, and had details that finally jogged my memory (maybe I blocked it out??)

but man, our recall of a lot of these incidents is NOT that great - so we cannot always assume our WAS is nuts.

Just saying...




She feels bad. She has told me about her doubts regarding her ability to ever work again. She told me, that she thinks she is gullible. Today she told me, that she has been desperate for hours, that she would be overwhelmed by life. (This has been the first time in month, that she has spoken that open about her emotions, without talking about R).

This^^ is valuable Data!! Keep gathering it like you are a spy getting "intel" on a recon mission.

I wish you'd hire a DB coach (what are you exactly waiting for, just so I know)? They'd tell you how important it is to listen for clues.

Mine was a Godsend!

She saId when h was sharing about himself or his work or anything NOT related to our marriage

that I should "Listen like a Lover" and validate and actively listen,

and Do Not judge, do not advise or 'Fix" (men in particular do this a lot, and often the woman wants to be HEARD and NOT repaired).

When a man makes a suggestion to a woman about a painful problem, SOMETIMES it comes off as if the man thinks he's fixed it now, so why is she STILL talking about it?

"Why is she whining now? I TOLD HER she could quit the job"...(never mind that they need the money or she loves the people or the job or loves the prestige, )

when a man makes a 2 sentence suggestion to an emotional problem his woman has,

to most women, it does NOT feel as if he is showing he cares.

The priority is her airing her feelings to someone who is listening and cares. 9/10 of the time she'll solve it herself after being heard.

So LISTEN to her and do not fix it - and do not make it about you.

Make sense?


Obviously if she asks you for something, that is different. If it involves the kids or her safety, do it without hemming and hawing.

Otherwise just run it by here and we can give feedback if you want.

I feel selfish, if I do not take care of her emotional situation, if I do not support and encourage her.

I am really confused and messed up. So I go back to the book and your posts and start again. Yes, I still try to please her and to impress her and to manipulate her. Most of the stuff I do is for her and not for me.


Read those 2 highlighted sentences and think about them.

I try to please her...to impress her...to MANIPULATE HER...

for her and not for me...
[u][/u]

Koala, it's really all about you wanting to manipulate the outcome of this,

and while that is true of most DBers, to an extent

your mistake is the constant deflection from simply wanting to be the best man you can and ought to be

for the sake of self actualization (meaning, for the sake of being your best)

without regard to the path your wife is on.

Period.

Paradoxically that detachment from the results,

i.e. the leaving it in God's hands, (or the universe's or whatever you call it)

happens to be the most likely way of re-attracting your spouse back to you.

When I truly GAL & finally could Detach

I did not care nearly as much about what my h was doing or thinking or feeling

b/c my life was about ME and my children, being content (and I was more content and continue to be)

and so, when he had his awakening and wanted back into the family, I was hesitant.

So Stop challenging her choices and she might stop defending them so much; she might even begin to look at them.

But your task is Not about her or what she does.


Can you tell us what YOU wish to work on in your life starting NOW?

Time to Get back on your path.