It was quite polite. I don't want to reveal too much, but I guess I can say this: --he felt like the process was taking too long --he thought he could handle wrapping up the financial part himself, but now realizes he needs help to do that (mostly because work is so busy, something he's mentioned to me a number of times) --he said he doesn't totally know what the document his lawyer is drafting will say, but that it will aim to fix a date for the equitable distribution of our assets, and that it will require me to respond to his lawyer and the county clerk. -- the document will require signed acknowledgement of receipt, so 'we can discuss' whether it makes sense for him to give it to me. --he's been 'clear' to his lawyer that he doesn't want to create additional conflict or tension or have this settled in court. --"I hope you can see this action as an attempt at resolution. A way to allow us both to move forward with more clarity"
So, in my response, I basically called him out on it. I expressed frustration that, although he says he wants to keep this out of the courts, he is allowing his lawyer to file an action in court. I'll have no choice but to be wrapped up in a court process. I told him there were other routes we could have taken that would have met his needs-- to move the process along and to get help-- besides engaging a traditional lawyer and serving me with a divorce summons. I said that if he wanted to stop the clock on accumulation of assets, we could have drafted a letter and both signed it-- outside of court. I named it: "what you have done is hired a litigator and taken this to court"
That didn't go over well. (I can see that. It was fairly hostile, and I didn't really validate his concerns, though I did acknowledge them).
His next (two) replies were really interesting: 1) "My understanding is that you and I will not have to involve the court. That this will be more along the lines of a letter. I understand that you don't trust me much, but I'm doing everything I can to avoid making this worse. We need to move forward and we've been unable to do that. So I'm doing what I feel is reasonable to get there while being very very vocal about my goals and how I would like the process to go"
2) A response like the one I sent 'typically makes [him] feel guilty' His IC says he needs to give himself a break more often. He writes, "I've been pretty patient through this process. I've been generous with my time and commitments." "I want to be respectful of you, I don't want this to become angry or onerous for you" "I am going to choose to not feel guilty for engaging a lawyer to help me through the next step of this process"
Like an idiot, I responded again, with further explanation of my perspective and little acknowledgement of his. SMH. I explained that collaborative divorce would have met his needs (and, also mine) better than the route he's taken. I said, "I don't believe that expressing my concerns and frustrations means that I am trying to 'make' you feel guilty."
And the last reply from him (which felt more negative): "Why don't you just wait to see what the document looks like before 'deploying labels' that this will be litigious or not transparent. It's one thing not to trust me, it's another thing to jump to conclusions without any proof."
Could I work on validating his concerns more? Sure, absolutely. It's difficult to do that when he doesn't just express them, but also takes action that has a material impact on my life!
And... I feel like there is a bit of manipulation here (or maybe he really is very naive??): There is no 'proof' that this is going to court?? It's more like a letter than a divorce summons? (A 'letter' that requires acknowledgement of receipt and response to the county clerk?!?!)
Betsey, I hear what you are saying, and certainly with many years of co-parenting ahead of us, it's in my and my D's best interest for him to feel like he can open up to me about his concerns rather than take action and then break it to me gently.
I know I could have responded differently (and then perhaps he would have, too). And at the same time, it feels phony to say things like, "I understand that you feel like the divorce process is time-consuming and difficult, and that it's hard to fit this into our busy lives" when he says it AFTER he's made a major decision. There is nothing to discuss with him now. It's done.
Trying to process it all in a way that helps ME move forward with my head held high, with dignity and grace, and most importantly, GROWTH. Thanks.
