Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Thanks guys. I'm appreciative things are getting easier.

There are still some sad moments. Tonight when I was picking up the kids the garage door was opened and there was a ton of firewood piled up. I figured STBX must be planning some bonfires in the backyard this summer. I pictured a bunch of 20-35 year olds getting hammered, smoking dope, and her having her guy of the night stopping up to ML in the bedroom that was our marital bed.

I don't think I'm mindreading too much here because though we're not speaking, she made a point of telling the kids (in front of me) how she's gotta run to get more wood for the new firepit in the back. I chuckle about this 'talking to me through the kids' she's done sometimes. My DB coach says that she feels insufficient so tries to make comments that will make me feel that way, trying to make me feel like I'm missing out because she likely feels she's missing out on the family time I'm spending with the children this weekend. My DB coach gave me some sage wisdom about this type of exchange but I'm not reposting it, it's in my old threads.

Anyway, how do I feel? Yeah, it's a reminder of the rejection that it isn't my home anymore, and that she's boinging other guys after committing to just me those years ago. It's sad, because it's no longer about her not wanting to be M, now it's just who the person I was M to turned out to be. I've always been put off by that lifestyle, and was hoping to find someone that would not go down this road. It's disappointing that we didn't have the chance to do more fun things together, I would've loved to have had a few fires in the back yard with some quality friends, but that wasn't in the cards for us. And I'm sad that I don't have the M I wanted, that I wasn't able to walk a better path, and that she chose to go this route. Finally, my biggest source of concern at this point is whether my next woman will do this as well. I sure hope I can do better at selection and pulling my weight in the M. This really isn't how I wanted things to go.

But you know, time is passing and I am doing well. It is a reminder of the past, and I suppose it feels like a flashback to the loss I went through. But more and more it is a flashback, and not a present day battle. I wanted to type this out to just sit with the feelings for a moment, but as I type I'm already able to let those feelings go. I have a fun weekend planned with my children, hiking tomorrow, church with my friend's family on Sunday, and some time at home to chill.

Maybe this sounds morbid but you know, not only can't I control STBX, I can't control my future woman either. Who knows if I go through this again. Reading these boards for a while and you get the sense that M is impossible and it's just a matter of which of your friends your WAS will leave you for. But I take comfort in the fact that no matter what, I can get through on my own. And when the show is over I'll know that I did everything I could to walk the path I believed is right. Where it takes me I don't know, but I'll follow the only road I can and be able to look anyone in the eye at judgment day and know I did my best.

It's like my favorite picture from "Breakfast of Champions"- a tombstone with the following engravement:

Somebody
Sometime - Sometime
He tried

That does cheer me up. Ready to go hang with the kids. Thanks for the support all of you. I appreciate the reminder that many people walk this path. Hope to meet more like you in the future.