I just don't agree with concept of standing there like an emotionless lighthouse waiting. It's conflict avoiding and the path to intimacy (your real goal) from withdrawal has to travel through some conflict. She's not going to wake up some day and decide to be in love with you again. Why is she going to love you because you just stood there for a really really long time?
Maybe I am mis-reading you. There is a time and place for what you are saying. I dont think it is while they are in an active affair.
I am assuming you are saying after the affair is over and they are headed back in your direction. That we can agree on.
I'm not sure of the question but I'll try a bit to explain.
"intimacy (the real goal)" = The real goal of any technique or advice to help some one "divorce bust" or "save their marriage" is NOT just that the affair ends. It's a recovered and restored intimate marriage of extraordinary care far superior to any marriage previously known or it's just not worth it...TO EITHER SPOUSE.
As far as engaging while the affair remains active???? In this situation it is and it isn't? She still works with him so there isn't "NO CONTACT" but she's spending an awful lot of time and energy on her friendship with Defacto. Giving him an opportunity to meet her needs, occupy her time and energy and fill her love tank (which as long as there is no information that she's still having sexual contact with OM isn't a mistake)
A metaphor: A farmer discovers a fox in his henhouse. Does he have to wait for the fox to get full and/or just leave before heading out and doing anything? Plus, the fox will just come back another night and find a another way in, so why bother trying to fix it and fortify the henhouse from another attack? If the fox eats all the chickens maybe he'll move away to another area after that....THEN ~~~maybe~~~ I will fix (invest in) the henhouse (but why bother, I have no chickens anyway).
A real life example. I consoled one betrayed husband who was dejected because he'd been arrested for harassing the OM when all he did was confront the OM in the OM's place of business and tell OM to leave his wife alone. The affair was kind of over, maybe like this situation, but the OM still worked with his wife and the OM kept trying to keep it going. Lots of upset. Turned out being arrested worked to the betrayed husband's advantage because his wife wasn't happy that the OM had her husband arrested. She turned on OM. OM apparently revealed his true colors. She chewed him out and then quit her job. "No contact" achieved with a little "conflict".
All decent recoveries from infidelity that I know of journey through a complex and varying series of conflicts to get there.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
