Pursuers, like myself, have a difficult time distancing. we are made for relationships, connections. Not to pursue forces us to deal with our own incompleteness and emptiness, or fill it in with other things or people. Pursuers, and distancers, are on a scale of 1-10, Ten being the most severe. Pursuers in the 7-10 range have the most issues and the most extreme loneliness/emptiness, thus the need to fill it in. We run from ourselves but never quite escape. I am probably about an 8, so I know of what I speak.
See...I WAS NOT a pursuer. I was probably a 2 and my former wayward wife was an 9. When she "distanced" it wasn't really to "distance" from me, it was actually to "pursue" OM and she needed, wanted space and time from me (distance) to do so.
If I didn't pursue when we were married and she was in love with me (and pursuing me) why would she believe pursuing me ever again would be worthwhile? I had to "pursue" her or we never would have recovered. I had to 180 my core "non-pursuing" self and become a strategic pursuer for a time without being needy and desperate.
I was a workaholic so it wasn't that hard. I just spend a ton of time with her listening and having conversations without trying to teach her and then trying to distract her by interjecting fun (and backing off "distancing" from the serious nature of our predicament at the time) while spending even MORE time together. Eventually her love tank was filled up and she caught a case of the "feels" for me again and ever so slowly recovery commenced.
Now I'm talking in circles and cliches. I just don't agree with concept of standing there like an emotionless lighthouse waiting. It's conflict avoiding and the path to intimacy (your real goal) from withdrawal has to travel through some conflict. She's not going to wake up some day and decide to be in love with you again. Why is she going to love you because you just stood there for a really really long time?
Maybe it's as simple as girls like boys that fight for them.
Maybe not...I'm no expert.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
