For the record. I was much more than a lighthouse for my wife. A lighthouse is a stationary EMOTIONLESS structure. It isn't human. I did sit back at times like a lighthouse. You can't chase a wayward everywhere everyday. But, strategically I also went out into the fog at times...pursued her and eventually steered her butt out of it. Doing so is, IMO, one of the main reasons we recovered so well. Prior to those actions my low self esteem wife never truly understood or believed I truly loved her or much of anything. Maybe she also didn't feel worth being fought for. But I couldn't just sit there "shining" and "hoping" while she fretted to and fro seemingly completely lost in the fog.
I think the pursuer/distancer concept works much better for women hoping to save their sanity and MAYBE save their marriage while dealing with a cheating husband. Men are much more likely to be cake eaters and losing their wife just isn't acceptable so when the wife distances...they pursue. Wayward wives don't. They often LOVE space and see stoic distancing as confirmation of their right to end it.
A wayward women NEEDS to be pursued a little (a dance perhaps) otherwise (they end up thinking) you just didn't and don't care and she's completely justified to divorce you.
All women (wayward or not) need to feel cherished at some level.
It's a delicate balance/dance "pursuing" a wayward yet not being desperate or needy. Dr. Huizenga calls it "charging neutral". MWD calls it a 180 (doing the opposite of what you'd normally do...which in this case is, I think, unemotionally standing back and letting her wander)
If you don't value/cherish your wife enough to emotionally risk stepping off the shore (you lighthouse) then who will?
If you want her back...isn't the Solo Book just another manipulation game? How long does one keep the lighthouse lit? Would you rather be rejected in the fog fighting for her or simply ignored while "standing" on the shore (like a lighthouse)?
I'm not suggesting or contemplating anyone running around in the fog indefinitely. What's the time limit? What's your emotional limit?
Something to consider.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
