I have found comfort in the Lighthouse story during this period.
Just remember that lighthouses don't go running all over the island trying to shine their lights at ships!
Cadet, Thanks for the reply. Are you referring to me pursuing other women or something else?
No the point is the lighthouse just stands there shining brightly with no expectations and patiently waiting.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
Originally Posted By: mahhhty
Exactly. I just wrote this on Lucy's thread and I think it applies somewhat to you...
"The Solo Partner is a great book that talks about the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic. The only way to get to a Distancer is by turning the table. Make the Distancer become the Pursuer by the Pursuer becoming the Distancer."
Have a fun camping Defacto!
I've seen this book recommended so many times, I figured it was time to order it. Done. Thanks for the support and recommendation!
For anyone else reading here I really dont think you need to buy the book. Read the pursuit and distance thread and it has all you really need to know.
I recently had a conversation with the author of the book and he wrote this to me
Originally Posted By: pdelucca
We are born, in my experience, either a pursuer or distancer. environment merely moderates the severity but does not change what we are. Pursuers and distancers change around different people and events. However, around your primary relationships our true self comes out since this is what we seek most intensely and intimately. You can see this when you track people in different relationships. They end up with the same patterns and same people, just in different skin.
and also this
Originally Posted By: Pdelucca
Pursuers, like myself, have a difficult time distancing. we are made for relationships, connections. Not to pursue forces us to deal with our own incompleteness and emptiness, or fill it in with other things or people. Pursuers, and distancers, are on a scale of 1-10, Ten being the most severe. Pursuers in the 7-10 range have the most issues and the most extreme loneliness/emptiness, thus the need to fill it in. We run from ourselves but never quite escape. I am probably about an 8, so I know of what I speak.
He also says that we need to change our core selves to stop being pursurers, easier said than done.
