Good Morning ... raining here, we do not get much rain so its nice and reminds me there is actually a thing called "weather" and it is not always 75 degrees and sunny, I know this will make a few of you line up with 2x4's but I do miss the rain and dare I say the snow.
Last night normal routine, picked up S, swung by the store, home and cooked PorkChops, mashed potatoes, steamed green beans .... desert... strawberry icecream. W TM around 6 that she was just leaving work, these check ins catch me .... not that they make me spin but remind me of when she would sneak off and see OM on the way home and claim traffic was bad, plus she worked late .... there was no need for the update as S was with me last night, more of a "Here is where I am" kind of thing, not mindreading but she seems to be trying to earn trust back with these things. I noticed the text but was cooking, 10-15 min later she calls, she was a little down, hard week, I told her I was making dinner ... she asked what I was making, said it sounded good and missed that kind of food (She can not have it due to her strict heath diet) I told her she could come over ... knew she wouldnt, told me she had to go to the store and then do laundry, I let her go so S and I could eat and shower.
She TM later asking if we could talk after S was down ... so we did. She shared that she was down, she has been having outbreaks all week and was depressed about it. I was quiet ... she asked if it upset me when she tells me these things.
This was an area of our M that was tough, her heatlh was an issue and the reason that we could not have sex ... 3 years. (Then she was miraculously healed and slept with OM) ... however during that time I was frustrated, nothing I could do and for Mr Fixit this just built up to a point I couldnt handle it. Over the course of my journey I realized I will never be able to heal her, she will have good days and bad and all I can really do is be there for her, I was not ... something I feel I should have done better ... hindsight and all.
So I told her, yeah it upsets me. The fact the outbreaks will be a constant reminder of the A and OM, its going to take some time for that sting to go away. We had a talk about it ... was not a fight but was not always a calm talk... I told her I still had questions and issues, surprisingly she asked me what they were so we talked. I told her lately I feel like she is just sweeping all this under the rug and trying to act like it didn't happen, she shared that she was trying to move on from it and focus on the future. We talked about MC and she shared how she did not want to open up and share the STD issue with a stranger ... I can understand that but that means its an issue we would have to address somehow somewhere. The talk last night was not all happy and chipper ... W shared that she wants happiness and hope, mentioned I need to be 'softer'. She might be right, I am guarded to a point at times .. things to think about, good thing is we seem to be telling each other what we need/want .
This morning dropped off S, its raining ... W came up and unzipped my coat and asked me to take it off because its cold ... I laughed well yeah thats why I am wearing a coat ... then she gave me this look and said "I want a hug take off the damn coat" ... made me laugh. We hugged .. she held on tight, told me she was up at 12, wanted me there with her .. I joked she could have come over ... I was not leaving my warm bed. At that point I just looked at her and kissed her ... thought as I did .. this might be pursuing, but its what I want/need in order to start reconnecting with her ... was not a make out fest just a warm simple kiss. We talked a bit, I told her to drive safe and have a great day. Planning on taking her to little Italy for mothers day .. simple but should be nice, with her its usually just about getting out of the house and going somewhere, I'll have her bring her camera, we will do a nice lunch somewhere ... should be nice. This is 180 from old Cali who was always to exhausted from the DJ gigs to go do these things, looking back ... seeing how far I have grown ... I really like the new me, looking forward to what I can be... shame I had to go through all this to realize my potential, but as we all know .. without all this no way would I have changed as much ... there is a lesson in there somewhere
W TM around 6 that she was just leaving work, these check ins catch me .... not that they make me spin but remind me of when she would sneak off and see OM on the way home and claim traffic was bad, plus she worked late .... there was no need for the update as S was with me last night, more of a "Here is where I am" kind of thing, not mindreading but she seems to be trying to earn trust back with these things. I noticed the text but was cooking, 10-15 min later she calls, she was a little down, hard week, I told her I was making dinner ... she asked what I was making, said it sounded good and missed that kind of food (She can not have it due to her strict heath diet) I told her she could come over ... knew she wouldnt, told me she had to go to the store and then do laundry, I let her go so S and I could eat and shower. 
