Part 19 - keeping on keeping on

[edz]

Thanks rd, yup I suppose I was this morning.

It's being so close, seeing that w is clearly thinking through next steps but isn't there yet, especially when it's something where she's capitulating to what she *thinks* MIL will say or do (at this point she hasnt told her so is mind reading!). I appreciate it's hard for her and made a point to tell her tht this morning but I have to admit to feeling tired this morning when I got in, not just how long have I been up but 9 1/2 months in fatigued, it can get frustrating, PMA wins out as does knowing when to take a step back and semi-detach from the moment and from me and take a 3rd person look at what the situation is and exactly how much has happened.

When I do that I see in the last week we've had dinner, w stayed over (s's room) we had a family day on monday and w brought up the christmas timeframe, tried to put my ring back on, I went for dinner and slept on the sofa and spent the entire night watching the election on her sofa after she just dropped around last night. Thats all on top of the changes in the past couple of months from the mini golf onwards.

So yes, need to keep perspective, patience and caution on expectations but it can be difficult now, so near, yet so far at times!

Cheers

[rd500]

Exactly Edz. I posted Vanillia recently that it's hard to see the wood for the trees for the person in the sitch but as a detached spectator your getting there You really are. Stay strong. Rd

[edz]

Well w just dropped off s, she was quiet agitated and looked very flat. Said she needs to do battle with the shops, didnt like the smell of the chilli (s and I think it smells good so thats ok!)

She didnt stop, I didnt make a big fuss just sent her a quick message saying no worries if you're tired but if its anything else give me a ping, see you tomorrow.

Ive left it at that for now, roll on bed time tonight soooo tired!

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, not long until bedtime now! I've had two long days with various elections stuff. Just back from the count, where I sat with a lovely lady and we had a good chat & exchanged numbers.

With your sitch, I can see it's hard when good things seem closer than they once were. But keeping an eye on the bigger picture is important here, and not being too swayed by day to day ups and downs.

I think it is still worth extending yourself outside of the R/M, and I think this may help moving things forward. There's a space/suffocation theme in your W's comments to you. Do you understand what she means by suffocation? What is it that happens for her to feel suffocated?

It strikes me that you both having interests and friends outside the M may help to keep things fresh and not suffocating in the short and longer term. I know this isn't something you have found easy to do, but I think it is worth continuing on this GAL path whatever utimately happens with your R.

Also, I think the whole 'by Xmas' and 'number of days' stuff probably isn't that helpful. If you guys are going to get back together, you'll do it at a pace you're both comfortable with. IMO self imposed deadlines like that bring pressure you don't need. (I know those dates came from your W and not you...)

Hope you get a good night's sleep, and I would gently withdraw until/unless W comes forward again. Maybe make a nice plan with S, and leave W to it unless she contacts you to see what you're up to.

Sleep well! T :-)

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Just to follow the beautiful Toots. That last text to W seemed a tad too much to me. Slowly ,mate. This is going to happen for you, so time is now your friend

Just a gentle bit of a reminded Edz. I hope you don't mind.

Take care. Rd

[edz]

Evening all

First thanks guys, I'd file most of yesterdays posts under Edz has been up 36 hours working and watching an election then working again and was pretty odd (even more odd than usual)!

I havent been too slacking on the GAL been to a pilates class and swimming with and without s although we had to miss our end of week swim because of the election closing the leisure center.

I was totally cream crackered yesterday though.

Once w had dropped off s I did message her as I said but, no, I wasnt too pursuing just I recognised some of her actions from my depression councelling and yes she does fight that at times so wanted to make sure she spoke to a friend, me, the cat...someone.

I note I also didnt include it followed a message from her that sounded very emotional asking her to kiss and hug s from her and tell him she loves him and not to worry about her, hopefully that repaints my decision to contact her slightly.

She told me today she had been very,very tired and quite down over s being difficult with some interactions yesterday so it looks like that was on the money mostly.

Thanks for the pull up though guys.

Last night made dinner and both s and I were the aforementioned wiped out, I started to doze on the sofa (couldnt keep my eyes open) and it was nearly 8 so he headed for bed and I went to bed as well. Settled him and my head hit the bed and I was out (knocking on 40 hours at this point) s came in and woke me around 10:30pm to say he'd had a bad dream so we had a hug until he felt better and then he went back to bed. I again went spark out after 5 minutes, was up around 1 and checked in on s who was well away and then slept to the alarm at 7:45 this morning feeling a *lot* better.

So up - usual exercises, shower etc. Got s up and breakfasted and contacted w who was comign with us to his tutor this morning. She asked could I bring some painkillers as she's also been carrying a headache since yesterday. So off we toodled along with some pills for w. She took those we had a playful conversation on coats while s waited in the car (he was a little sullen this morning - more in a moment) and off we went.

We dropped s off and headed for coffee, bought w some tea (she wanted to avoid coffee) and some pancakes - I chose not to eat breakfast. We spoke about how she was feeling, her recent wobbles, fears over mil - she knows she'll find out, we spoke about me being snuck out and I said I didnt really like that she said sorry she just doesnt like the idea of them gossiping to mil and taking away her control on how she breaks the news, we are still going ahead, still aiming for everything for christmas. I raised was she sure I didnt want her to feel pushed she said no the whole moving thing doesnt worry her at all and she'd rather tackle it that way, its just taking her time to wrap her head around it. It was positive, we also spoke about the election and what we thought about what had happened (not talking politics here!) w fed me some of her pancakes and fruit - it was very nice. We went back and picked s up, spoke with the tutor.

We'd discussed my ring, was going to take it to get resized today but I asked w is this too fast, will you feel pushed or hemmed in? She said no so we looped back and picked it up and headed for town. W picked up an order she was waiting on and I dropped my ring in, likely to be a few weeks and well over $£100 to have it sorted but it will be worth it, need them to confirm though since its unusual in being gold and platinum.

We had a mooch around the shops and since s had asked I took them both to a new McDonalds thats opened. W asked to go back to the flat since she "wanted to run some washing" I asked her was it washing or did she want some time, she said both so back she went. S picked up his glove and ball and we headed off to the park.

We played for a while but s was sullen, head down and complaining when he caught the ball and generally very "teen" like. Sat him on a bench and we talked. He's seeming to go through pre-puberty from what we discussed, he's also worried about letting people down and a little confused, he was also confused what I was up to with my ring. We've tried hard not to bring up too much in front of him or to talk directly about reconciling, new homes (he will lose both rooms and have a new one) so I had to thread a needle slightly.

Said i'd taken my ring off last year because of grown up problems while he and mummy where living apart from me. Mummy and I are talking about things now and Mummy had tried to put my ring on this week but, because my hand had changed shape after me wearing it for 13 years and then taking it off I have to have it changed, Ive sent it off for that to happen and then mummy will put it back on for me. He's accepted that at face value for now. I've discussed what we spoke about with w on the phone, we'll pick it up in more detail when we can. Sooner or later we'll both sit him down and talk to him but, for now, we dont want to set him up to be excited and happy just in case things dont work out or at least not as fast as we say at first.

After talking s was a lot happier, we finished our throwabout and then went in the play park (he still likes the swings) stopped a random small child heading face first in front of s's feet on the swing, mother came hammering over and I said sorry I hope you dont mind me touching him but I didnt want him to get kicked, she said no not at all you're a lifesaver! Which was nice in this age.

We headed back to the house, spoke to w (about the chat in the park - she said she's still tired from yesterday so is going to take the rest of today to chill and have an early night) I had some carpet cleaning to do (BFT had a digestion issue - sigh) s and I played Gin (he's scary good) and chess (getting better) and I made dinner. Pasta, cheese and peas for him, chicken in black bean and rice for me and now he's taking a bath while I DJ for him from the office

next I think we'll have a movie then his bed time and that will be the day.

Feel much better after some sleep

Tomorrow we may all do something together but we'll sort that after breakfast in the morning.

Cheers all.

[edz]

Good morning all

Bit dull grey and bleuch down here this morning but maybe it will brighten up later.

S and I watched big hero 6 last night which I really enjoyed (I think I used to bear a striking resemblance to baymax before the exercise!) Crashed out about midnight.

W messaged me this morning to say she's feeling really grotty s and I should make a day of it this isn't her having a wobble just she feels grotty. Went back saying ok no worries no problems here s is seeming a little tired but well get up to mischief somehow let me know if she needs anything and feel better.

So slow start, will do my exercises in a mo as there was extra food yesterday so can't skip and then a shower and late breakfast for s, may just do coffee myself or may have a bacon roll with him to be decided.

Would have been nice to spend time with w but I have to say there's no fear worry or anything bar feeling a little sorry she's under the weather. I do believe she's committed to us reconciling now she has sizeable worries and fear of mil to get past but yesterday she was planning in vignettes again how shed get bits of furniture out of the flat and how wed have no problems moving and what shed thougt about doing it.

So on with the day, hope you're all doing well. Toots, v, gg not heard much in your threads hope you guys are ok?

Take it easy all.

[edz]

Good morning all and the grey skies continue down here today, are we disheartened, weatherwise...er...probably but otherwise well no.

Yesterday afternoon w called me and invited s and i over to have dinner, s had said he wanted to go swimming after we'd been playing gin and chess in the afternoon so after that we headed over, I packed the chilli in a coll box along with some wine and other bits as I know s is not a casserole fan.

Lovely dinner and w was again happy for me to stay over (sofa) so a lovely evening. I helped with kitchen cleanup and did any dishes and pans that wouldnt fit in the dishwasher which gave us some time to talk. W is very serious about moving on. We discussed locations, some houses I'd seen and their location, relation to my work, my working from home and how she doesnt perceive a problem now s and i have a good relationship (depends on distance if we end up fairly close to the office I'll still go in a few times a week) notice on her flat, notice on the house etc.

We touched upon MIL reaction when she finds out and will she make things difficult re cats etc, w's reaction was she's past caring. Not sure I'm 100% believing that w fully believes that but its progress she's going there.

Discussed that when she's ready and only then we should sit s down and talk to him about the big picture on whats happening. He sees fragments and I answer his questions but as I said I thread the needle, it would be an easy thing to tell him but Im wary about w feeling cornered into not being able to take her time if s knows and is expecting things by a certain time.

W has given me some pictures to bring back to the house for the wall (we had them at our first place together) so I'll put those up later, she'd said she didnt feel there was a place for her that it was s & i (no arguing as thats how it was put together at the time, doesnt mean that cant change but I know she'd rather we started somewhere together instead) may help her to see some of "her" apparent here apart from small nicknacks and photos.

Other than that, another nice family evening. W pointed me toward a photobook shed had done last year, she said I hadnt seen it and to be honest she had a point that I didnt want to. Right then becoming enmeshed in photos of my family was not something I could have taken emotionally, before BD well, depression meant I'd pretty much hidden myself so deep I probably didnt want to go through it. It was brilliant though tracking s from his scans right through to recent times. Telling that I vanish from photos about 5 years ago and also get heavier throughout before I vanish, it was good to reattach with those memories.

S was rather ingrained in youtube on his phone and we had some friction at settling at bed time but we got there. W and I watched a bit of drama but she was tired so headed for bed and I settled on the sofa. Fairly good night if some odd dreams.

Up this morning - got some coffee on, mini ablutions (when w is more comfortable I'll take some spare clothes etc with me but I dont want to seem assumptive just yet, w did give me a toothbrush there - albeit in the bathroom cabinet not the toothbrush holder just in case FIL comes in as he doesnt knock just unlocks the door and walks in while ringing the doorbell) cleaned out wft's bowl and gave her some fresh food and chilled until w and s got up.

After a little talking (nothing r obviously) headed back to the house.

Not fed BFT yet as shes been having "issues" with food last few days so I'll do her some chicken cut small in a bit and mid morning grab a shower and shave.

W & S are at MIL tonight for dinner after helping FIL picking him up from having a car issue sorted, I dont expect "the talk" will take place between them today but w is suprising me quite a bit with her progress toward us reconciling and with nice times like yesterday or election night so Im literally not having any expectations, we shall see.

229 days on w's schedule remaining, I think she genuinely wants that to be the timeframe or indeed sooner (thats to Christmas day - sorry guys yes thats how long you have to the next one!) she was talking about finding somewhere and putting in a months notice on the flat etc although I noticed when I mentioned letting me know on points she raised last night before I left this morning she was showing defensive body language and went quiet so moved away from the subject. She still "tunes" in and out in she becomes invested and intense and pushes then retreats a little and I think worries internally becoming quiet and introspective.

I've told her thats fine and to be expected, if she wants to talk anything through she knows she can (and she says yes she knows that) otherwise she can take space and time and work it through.

Keeping on keeping on..

Thanks guys.

[edz]

Hi Toots

Just been reading back and realised I didnt answer yourt question on suffocation in my m. Yup totally undestand what she means. I was extremely codependent on w. Being an introvert I dont have a huge social scene, I attached a lot of responsibility to w and it overwhelmed her. Unfortunately we didnt communicate, she said she told me this was an issue and she may well have done, my depression (which Im open about but dont use as a get out of jail card - I wasnt "posessed") meant I may have just not taken it in.

So we spiralled. I would behave in a way she found suffocating (always around 24/7 no going out doing things alone, not taking s out alone or seldom so, needed validation) she would back off making me feel abandoned and clinging on....and so forth. Ultimately s ended up in the middle of this and became a competitor for time with w and, by now, my depression had me at the bottom of a very deep dark well and my relationship with him broke down as I distanced him.

None of this is behaviour I would now repeat.

W and I have discussed this, I have said I want us both to have outside interests, to have days where we go and do our own things with our own groups, where we have days together as a family (as we have been doing recently but maybe further afield or abroad as well) and days as just a couple. None overriding the others, all in balance making us more balanced people that dont just have "the family" and nothing else.

W accepts this and as we talk more is building trust that we wont, I wont, revert back to something she felt she had to leave. She's said we wouldnt be at this stage if she didnt believe that.

Ultimately, as I've said to W, she can judge my actions as they are now but anything I say relating to us back in a m, living together although true and from the heart are words until we try and we then have to maintain our new level of communication to ensure we grow both as individuals and as a couple.

Shes said she no longer feels the way she did that there were no go topics that she just couldnt raise as she didnt know what I'd say or how id react, she's aired everything she had an issue with and weve moved on and that we would keep doing so.

I think its just a case of her believing completely and past the logical side of her mind (which she says is fully convinced) to her emotions that this isnt an elaborate front, my physical changes, emotional stability, lack of depression symptoms and impacts, relation with s. Its overwhelming evidence that that me isnt this me and he's not coming back but she like all of us is human and doesnt want those days again so is a little afraid but working on it.

Hope that explains, feel free to ask any questions toots, thanks for asking

[edz]

And good morning to everyone.

Sunny with cloud here which sums up my mood at the moment.

Generally feeling rather good (a little frustrated with another plateaux in the weight loss but then food kept creeping up on me this weekend).

W was fb messaging me yesterday about WFT (poorly eye) home education and other bits. Stopped while she went to MIL obviously. Dropped her a quick message at 9 to say hope she had a nice dinner speak soon. and she replied but just letting me know s has been rather stressfull with her. All relates to transitions between things youtube/games/tv to bath/bedtime/teeth/sleep.

Validated her feelings, easy since Ive seen these behaviours and have to help s get past them and what I think he's going through as a pre teen as well.

After a bit of chat we bounced around things we can do as a family, houses, tv (I was watching - mostly - game of thrones) and we said good night.

This morning sent her an article I found online connected with bedtimes and just said catch up later and reminded her (in connection with a chat at the weekend) she doesnt have to lift all the responsibilities alone anymore.

So not expecting much bar some work today, was going to go and get a haircut but forgot and gelled it and now cant be bothered washing it out again so I'll do that tomorrow, I need a few bits for the food cupboard but money is uber tight this month (not least thanks to another £112 energy bill ow!) so will walk up and just get whats needed at lunchtime. Not sure if swimming is on the agenda tonight, little under par today so if s wants to come round we may do something else as we went on sunday,

So still feeling good about myself (bar this wobbly middle!) and the sitch seems stable if not in one of its galloping ahead stages which seems to be the pattern of late. W hasnt mentioned speaking to MIL so I think its safe to say she hasnt, I'd guess (educated since we did speak last week around it) that she's waiting until we find somewhere to move and will tell her when she gives notice to minimise fallout. Not saying thats right or wrong as its very definitely something she has to do herself in her way, I dont want MIL being a thing in a new relationship either as an active participant in w's life or me getting any kind of attachment to her exiting it.

Cheers all, catch you later.