My W was and has been a very good mother in so many ways. She centered her life around making sure everything was perfect for them. And she has really done an amazing job overall.
One thing my DB coach and IC are both adamant about is that she uses the kids to meet her emotional needs. She tries to keep the children very dependent on her to feel needed, teaches them to tell her how much they love her constantly, and is a master of public relations to get as much attention and approval for being the perfect mom as she can. And as my children grow they don't need her as much, and you can see the issues starting to build where she feels betrayed, abandoned, etc. My DB coach says that parenting is about meeting their needs, not the other way around, and she anticipates some rocky years as they become teens.
To answer your question about drinking...this got out of hand after I moved out. Since 2010 she would smoke a little pot now and then. I knew how much because I would buy it for her. I always meant to buy it for us, but I rarely would smoke (maybe every couple of years?). I just had too much going on, work, pool, I wanted to be on my A game.
She started smoking a bit more when our three dogs finally passed away. I knew she was smoking nearly every night. I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. I knew she was depressed, talking to her doctor about it, and just thought she needed help to get through a dark patch. Smoking pot seemed like a joke to me in terms of severity, I was ok with her going on a little bender to get through a tough time, and I figured she'd regroup soon.
Instead the BD came, and after I moved out she switched to alcohol because it is more easily accessible and socially acceptable. I drink no more often than I smoke, and never to inebriation. I think alcohol is horrible. In any case, yeah, I know she's still off the rails. Just last week I dropped off my youngest and the garage door was open, there was a beercan on the garage floor in a puddle of beer.
Whatever. The only reason any of this matters is to monitor the situation to make sure my kids are safe. But the kids are getting their physical needs met by their mom, and I know they are blossoming at my place, so I'm controlling what I can and I will show my children what it means to lead through adversity you didn't choose to take on.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!?!?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
One thing my DB coach and IC are both adamant about is that she uses the kids to meet her emotional needs. She tries to keep the children very dependent on her to feel needed, teaches them to tell her how much they love her constantly, and is a master of public relations to get as much attention and approval for being the perfect mom as she can. And as my children grow they don't need her as much, and you can see the issues starting to build where she feels betrayed, abandoned, etc. My DB coach says that parenting is about meeting their needs, not the other way around, and she anticipates some rocky years as they become teens.
Again ---- uncanny -- could be my W. She is "funny" now because kids are LESS dependent. teenagers are going to be hard for her in many ways I suspect. youngest stopped breastfeeding, and she ignites A. I dont think it is complete coincidence. But then again, we (me&W) can discuss this at another time. Potentially. For me, now, it is irrelevant.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Whatever. The only reason any of this matters is to monitor the situation to make sure my kids are safe. But the kids are getting their physical needs met by their mom, and I know they are blossoming at my place, so I'm controlling what I can and I will show my children what it means to lead through adversity you didn't choose to take on.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!?!?
Hey Zues,
Good for you -- you are awesome. That will mean so much to your children!
Take care please.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks guys. I'm appreciative things are getting easier.
There are still some sad moments. Tonight when I was picking up the kids the garage door was opened and there was a ton of firewood piled up. I figured STBX must be planning some bonfires in the backyard this summer. I pictured a bunch of 20-35 year olds getting hammered, smoking dope, and her having her guy of the night stopping up to ML in the bedroom that was our marital bed.
I don't think I'm mindreading too much here because though we're not speaking, she made a point of telling the kids (in front of me) how she's gotta run to get more wood for the new firepit in the back. I chuckle about this 'talking to me through the kids' she's done sometimes. My DB coach says that she feels insufficient so tries to make comments that will make me feel that way, trying to make me feel like I'm missing out because she likely feels she's missing out on the family time I'm spending with the children this weekend. My DB coach gave me some sage wisdom about this type of exchange but I'm not reposting it, it's in my old threads.
Anyway, how do I feel? Yeah, it's a reminder of the rejection that it isn't my home anymore, and that she's boinging other guys after committing to just me those years ago. It's sad, because it's no longer about her not wanting to be M, now it's just who the person I was M to turned out to be. I've always been put off by that lifestyle, and was hoping to find someone that would not go down this road. It's disappointing that we didn't have the chance to do more fun things together, I would've loved to have had a few fires in the back yard with some quality friends, but that wasn't in the cards for us. And I'm sad that I don't have the M I wanted, that I wasn't able to walk a better path, and that she chose to go this route. Finally, my biggest source of concern at this point is whether my next woman will do this as well. I sure hope I can do better at selection and pulling my weight in the M. This really isn't how I wanted things to go.
But you know, time is passing and I am doing well. It is a reminder of the past, and I suppose it feels like a flashback to the loss I went through. But more and more it is a flashback, and not a present day battle. I wanted to type this out to just sit with the feelings for a moment, but as I type I'm already able to let those feelings go. I have a fun weekend planned with my children, hiking tomorrow, church with my friend's family on Sunday, and some time at home to chill.
Maybe this sounds morbid but you know, not only can't I control STBX, I can't control my future woman either. Who knows if I go through this again. Reading these boards for a while and you get the sense that M is impossible and it's just a matter of which of your friends your WAS will leave you for. But I take comfort in the fact that no matter what, I can get through on my own. And when the show is over I'll know that I did everything I could to walk the path I believed is right. Where it takes me I don't know, but I'll follow the only road I can and be able to look anyone in the eye at judgment day and know I did my best.
It's like my favorite picture from "Breakfast of Champions"- a tombstone with the following engravement:
Somebody Sometime - Sometime He tried
That does cheer me up. Ready to go hang with the kids. Thanks for the support all of you. I appreciate the reminder that many people walk this path. Hope to meet more like you in the future.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I don't think I'm mindreading too much here because though we're not speaking, she made a point of telling the kids (in front of me) how she's gotta run to get more wood for the new firepit in the back. I chuckle about this 'talking to me through the kids' she's done sometimes. My DB coach says that she feels insufficient so tries to make comments that will make me feel that way, trying to make me feel like I'm missing out because she likely feels she's missing out on the family time I'm spending with the children this weekend. My DB coach gave me some sage wisdom about this type of exchange but I'm not reposting it, it's in my old threads.
Zues, my W does this exact same thing. Only difference is her plans change every few days! I am glad your DB couch put it that way. I have felt like that is why my W talks about her plans through the kids. I hear alot of mom said we are going to do this and that. Enjoy your weekend with your kids.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Ha. And the lows get shorter. After I posted that I went and made dinner for the kids. We got into a really cool conversation about artificial intelligence, the future of computers, and what that might mean for the world.
My son is really into computers, games, programming, etc. My D was really into the conversation too. So I told them we'd stay up a hair late and watch a movie. I booted up "War Games", the old Matthew Broederick movie about a kid that hacks into the Air Force's computer that runs the countries defenses. Anyway, it was a lot of fun, they both enjoyed it and were really engaged, talking to each other, asking questions, talking to the screen. They thought it was a great movie and we had a ton of fun.
Only when I logged back in did I remember the post from earlier. Thanks for letting me get that out. I'm so appreciative that I've been allowed to let go of the bad feelings and enjoy this time with my kids. Tomorrow it's time for a hike! We're packing sandwiches and Gatorade, then hitting the dusty trails!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I have to say your story here is of the most encouraging I've seen. There was a time when I thought for sure you were a lost cause, had given up DBing, thought you'd just drift off into the bitterness sunset. But here you are, an amazing man, an amazing dad, handing out good advice and encouragement to others. It's looking a lot like your M isn't going to work out, as so many don't, but wow, look at who you've become. Your STBX is a fool. Good for you.
Thanks Py, Joe. Yeah, Sunny, I had a lot of negative emotions to work through for sure. Some of it just takes time to process. Deep down I am not one to cling to destructive feelings, life's too short and that's not what I want my contribution to be. This has definitely been a deeply devastating voyage as being loving and loyal to the partner God gave you has always meant the world to me, but I've been shown I am here to choose my path, not anyone else's. Thanks for the support through the good and bad.
PS- just got back from our hike. We are all tired and it is naptime. Then dinner, a movie, and some free time. Church in the AM with my friend's family, then a little breakfast as a group. There have been some spats, but it's all good
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
