My W was and has been a very good mother in so many ways. She centered her life around making sure everything was perfect for them. And she has really done an amazing job overall.
One thing my DB coach and IC are both adamant about is that she uses the kids to meet her emotional needs. She tries to keep the children very dependent on her to feel needed, teaches them to tell her how much they love her constantly, and is a master of public relations to get as much attention and approval for being the perfect mom as she can. And as my children grow they don't need her as much, and you can see the issues starting to build where she feels betrayed, abandoned, etc. My DB coach says that parenting is about meeting their needs, not the other way around, and she anticipates some rocky years as they become teens.
To answer your question about drinking...this got out of hand after I moved out. Since 2010 she would smoke a little pot now and then. I knew how much because I would buy it for her. I always meant to buy it for us, but I rarely would smoke (maybe every couple of years?). I just had too much going on, work, pool, I wanted to be on my A game.
She started smoking a bit more when our three dogs finally passed away. I knew she was smoking nearly every night. I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. I knew she was depressed, talking to her doctor about it, and just thought she needed help to get through a dark patch. Smoking pot seemed like a joke to me in terms of severity, I was ok with her going on a little bender to get through a tough time, and I figured she'd regroup soon.
Instead the BD came, and after I moved out she switched to alcohol because it is more easily accessible and socially acceptable. I drink no more often than I smoke, and never to inebriation. I think alcohol is horrible. In any case, yeah, I know she's still off the rails. Just last week I dropped off my youngest and the garage door was open, there was a beercan on the garage floor in a puddle of beer.
Whatever. The only reason any of this matters is to monitor the situation to make sure my kids are safe. But the kids are getting their physical needs met by their mom, and I know they are blossoming at my place, so I'm controlling what I can and I will show my children what it means to lead through adversity you didn't choose to take on.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!?!?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
