new here.... burned out.

[Maybell]

Hi, YBT.

I read your first post carefully and skimmed the rest, so if I missed something please point it out to me.

I will say though, that in many ways your sitch reminds me almost painfully of my own sitch three years ago. Very strongly. My STBX (more on that in a moment) was as absent and self-absorbed as yours, though he was kind of free with money, because throwing money at me to do what I wanted was a way of keeping me off his back. In every other way, he was very similar to your H, and my life was a lot like yours. Being thought of as a nice guy is pretty important to my STBX.

My STBX did all the same things as yours -- demand for perfection, desire for dinners to always be fresh (no leftovers allowed), kids quiet, nothing demanded of him... Xbox, phone, happy hours, the whole bit. Workaholic, just like yours. I totally feel you.

I admit, I'm a little puzzled as to how to advise you.

When I was in your place I would NEVER have considered leaving him. I wasn't happy and he took advantage of me constantly, but I always hoped my love and desire to please would pay off. If anyone had suggested that my life was not reasonable, I would have been astounded.

Turns out he was cheating on me. I'll never know how much or when or where. I'll never know the significance of all those happy hours, but eventually everything blew up and now we're going to divorce and I feel SO MUCH LIGHTER. I am stronger. My kids are happier in some ways and sad in others but I think in the long run this is better. I have the opportunity to be the parent I always wanted to be. Perhaps you understand me?

But you are here to save your marriage and I completely get it and I'm not sure you're wrong.

The trick is, YBT, this marriage will never support YOU as things ARE. He must change, as pilot points out. I don't well know how to advise you.

Here is what I observe:
* alienating you from family and refusing you access to marital funds IS abusive. You will see no reasonable argument against that. There are free resources for women in your position and you might consider consulting those at least to learn your options.
* ditto with finding therapy. You don't have the objectivity you need for yourself right now. I totally understand your childcare position. 100%. are you a churchgoer? Every church I've attended provided childcare assistance for specific programs. Consider consulting with a pastor for counseling that might provide childcare you'd be surprised at how much assistance you can get if you ask for it.
* organize a babysitting swap with friends. We used to use a credit system where you get time by providing care for your friends kids. This could help with some of your immediate needs.

There is more I could say but I feel like I'm speaking to my younger self and I want to think on this some before I say more. I think good therapy could help you. Posting here will help you if that's what you're aiming for. But you need to place yourself higher on the ladder of priorities, even if you have to work around your H in order to implement what you need to make that happen.

YOU ARE WORTH IT. FIND YOUR VALUE. BELIEVE IN YOUR VALUE. SHOW HIM YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

I doubt asking anything of him will get you anywhere and I'm not going to try to read your future. I also asked my STBX if he'd be ok with our daughter's imaginary future husband treating her as he was treating me and he got defensive and dodged the question. Doesn't matter. Until WE show our daughters how to value themselves they won't learn that lesson. I couldn't do any of this for myself, but I'd walk on hot coals for my kids. I know you would too. Value yourself and take steps to demonstrate your value for yourself. It's way easier than walking on hot coals.

Hugs to you, YBT. I know you need them.