new here.... burned out.

[YBT]

I do know it's bad. We are in crisis. But I don't know how to pay for counselling if I'm not allowed to spend money. I need to step back and re examine with the beginners mind but I am so fired up anymore that all I do is cry instead.

He is making the tiniest baby steps. We talk now. We act more like roommates than strangers or enemies. But we are so so terribly far from where I want to be that I wonder if it's pointless.

[YBT]

Thank you for your point of view. It's actually really helpful to me.

I have brought up counselling many times but he is adamant against it. I have never brought it up for me alone though. Except I don't know who would watch the kids as I certainly can't delve into this with them in earshot.

[raliced]

YBT -

I just want to make sure I am understanding all of this correctly.

Even at the best of times your H was paranoid and controlling?

You are responsible for all child care and home care. But he has time for kickball leagues, Xbox and phone games. And he controls all finances and keeps an iron grip on them?

And he gets upset if the house isn't a showplace or there's no home cooked meal in the fridge?

He refuses to consider any counseling?

And you are somewhat isolated with no potential help except his family?

YBT - I am not someone who uses salty language but f*** that. Seriously.

I have to ask in all seriousness - are you afraid of him?

You make some money with your side gig? Open up your own bank account - deposit your money in it and use it to pay for a babysitter and get yourself some counselling. You don't need to live like you need his permission for everything in your life - because you don't.

Hugs to you YBT

[YBT]

I'm not afraid of him. I don't think he'd hurt me or anything. He's more the passive aggressive type than the aggressive one. But it sure sounds crappy when you spell it out like that.

[raliced]

I'm not trying to be mean.

Honestly, from what you wrote, you sound more like his prisoner than his wife.

You said you don't think he's a jerk deep down - but there is no evidence in your initial post that he was ever much better.

What kind of environment are your kids living in with you stressed out all the time rushing around to clean up his palace before he gets home so you won't get in trouble?

YBT - I respect you for coming here - it says tons of great things about your character. I respect you for trying to save your marriage. But your initial post is a cry for help if I ever heard one. You say he monitors your spending which indicates to me you do have a method by which to pay for things. If you really can't do that - pawn something. Please get yourself some support.

[YBT]

I did tell him at one point when we were discussing us that our relationship is going to effect how our kids have relationships and is this what he wants for our daughters? It didn't have the effect I wanted. He said, "oh great. More pressure. "

So my question... Do I initiate physical stuff or act like a roommate? I asked him what he wants and he said he doesn't know.

Do I try to initiate talks about us or do I wait for him? If I wait he may never talk and continue to evade and ignore.

[Zues126]

Have you read the 37 rules? The answer is pretty clearly stated. I would tell you but I want to make sure you have read them all and understand their significance.

Also, your comment about baby steps isn't really correct. See, you are in a cycle in which you try to get closer together, then you feel a lot of pain due to the discord in your interactions, then you pull apart again and feel rejected/lonely/dissatisfied/hurt, then you long to reconnect so you start reaching out again. This is the cycle you BOTH are in.

So as that cycle repeats again and again it isn't really correct to say "we are making baby steps" when in reality this is just another loop around the same race track. And there is a limited number of times before one or both of you conclude that the negative outcomes you are getting are the only possible outcomes from your interactions, and "I guess we just aren't a fit for each other, and we aren't meant to be M".

I understand you don't have your own money and can't ask H. Let me be more direct- are you telling me you don't have a friend in this world that will spring you a few hundred dollars for 3 divorce coaching sessions at this time in crisis? Which is more important, your discomfort asking for help or your M?

[TenBook]

Hi YBT.

I was your husband at one point (echo), I pulled my weight at home however but I had the same type of disrespect to my W.

I don't know your H. But I was unhappy and my W was my abuse outlet. I didn't want to make myself happy, other then self medicating through activities. I wanted to be angry and upset. It's so easy to just be a jerk and let your W absorb the blame.

Thinking about it now. We just used life and work as an excuse to not be happy for whatever bizarre reason.

I know what it is like to not even have time to shower with "Daddy come! Daddy where are you? Daddy!!!"

For himself, he needs a wake up call.

[YBT]

I don't see anything in the 37 rules about sex or physical intimacy. Am I missing something?

[YBT]

Also I am curious how you see a habit of me trying to get closer and pulling back in my write up?

I know I have trouble seeing through my haze of emotion so maybe I'm missing it. I do see his actions as baby steps bc we went from lovers to roommates as a slow spiral and then to downright rude and cruel to me and now we are back to roommates with pleasant conversation and sometimes even laughter between us. Is this not slow progress?

I know I am new and learning. I've only read the book once and I haven't poked around the forum too much yet.