The "talk" scheduled for Saturday..

[Zues126]

Tulo,

First off, please remember I'm not a vet and take what I say as the best intention of someone that's just walking this road with you.

Remember the goal of this isn't to change his mind! The goal is to make him feel heard. To that point my biggest advice would be to keep your answers short, don't breathe a hint of what's in your heart or on your mind, and basically just nod and echo. Be careful about asking "clarifying questions" because they'll almost indubitably come out challenging, accusational, or dismissive, and in nearly all cases it will make him feel less heard. If you are going to ask him any questions be vague like "I know you've said that before and I'll admit I never really heard it or really understood it before. Can you tell me a bit more about that?"

So with that in mind here is my view on the comments:

Him: I've told you over and over again, but you don't seem to understand, I don't feel the same way about you any more. I don't want us to keep going.
Me: I understand it must be very hard for you when you feel like I don't listen or understand and I want to say how sorry I am that I've made you feel this way. I totally understand how difficult this must be for you.

Z: I'm good with this one. Be careful of not overusing "I understand" for two reasons. One, if you say it too much it sounds like therapy speak. Two, it can sometimes backfire a bit if they're convinced you DON'T understand. So sometimes it's ok to say that, "You know, I've heard you bring that up before and I've given that some thought. I don't pretend to know exactly how frustrating that must be to you but I want you to know I hear you and respect your wishes." That's perfectly acceptable as well.


Him: I want to focus on my kids, my work and nothing else.
Me: I understand that you feel the need to focus on your kids, especially now and that is one of the things I really appreciate you for. I would have liked it if we could have shared in this experience as I too only have your kids best at heart. But I'm glad that you have got them back, as I know how much you love them.
( It feels to me like when his kids didn't want to be with him, due to anger in regards to his and his ex's situation, he put loads of focus on me and our R. Now he gets lots more attention from them, and thus don't need me as much any more. Is there anyway I can ask him about this, without it being/sounding nasty? I'm really wondering if that could be it..)

Z: Don't ask him any questions about this. He doesn't understand why he's doing what he's doing so he won't be able to explain it. And half the reasons he's telling you are irrational. Most people that have children and a spouse make it work. This is an excuse. Like a kid that's sick until he finds out it's Saturday...he just didn't want to go to school. If he was on cloud 9 in the M the kids wouldn't be an issue.

As is, my only revision on this would be to strike out the "I would've liked to have shared in this too" part in the middle. Now is not the time to share feelings, particularly those that conflict with his. If things get better there will be a time. Now is not that time.

Him: You said xxx and xxx and xxx and I don't understand why you felt the need to say that. It made me feel like crap, worthless or sad.
Me: I'm very sorry that I've hurt you like that. That was never my intention. I let my feelings get the better of me, and that is never ok and I appreciate you saying that to me as I want to grow and understand you and myself better.

I think I have done my best in explaining to you, where I was coming from, and even if that doesn't make it ok, I want you to know it wasn't coming from an evil heart. But I do want to say that I'm very VERY sorry that I've made you feel like this. I wish I'd had the chance to show you that I've taken this to heart and never want to make the same mistake again.

Z: Everything after the first sentence has to go. It is defending, explaining, excusing, and sharing what YOU want. I would recommend the standard DB line: "I'm glad you shared that with me and so sorry for the pain I caused. I've thought back about our time together and see how often I've done that. If I could do it again there are many things I would do differently."

Him: I don't miss you or even think about you when we're not in contact.
Me: That makes me sad to hear, as I don't feel the same. But I understand how difficult it must feel for you to both feel that way, and say that to me. I would have hoped that we could have tried to reconnect, as we both enjoy each others company. But I respect your wishes to much to try and force you, and myself enough not to beg. I just want you to be happy, and to have a wonderful R and a great life. With or without me!

Z: Again, I really feel you're talking too much about what you want and how you feel in this response. Your comment about not begging actually looked like begging. In all reality he wouldn't say this to you directly, but if he did maybe: "It must have felt pretty lonely to be stuck in a M with someone that you didn't feel more connected with. I can agree that's not how a M should be and you need more than that."


Tulo, I'm glad you're doing this. It has been my experience that it's always harder in your head. By preparing in this way and being disciplined during your meeting so you don't get drawn in to any arguments or debates, you will score a win. He won't immediately change his mind. What he will do, however, is walk away feeling heard, understood, and feeling you were strong, confident, reasonable, and best of all accountable and ready to change.

The trick is you can't TELL him any of those things. Saying "I don't want to beg" is begging, telling him "I'm willing to let you go" is actually clinging, and telling him "I'm willing to change" is trying to control his decision and more of the same. So don't TELL him anything. Just SHOW him with your validation and poise...then walk away with your head held high!!!