Kramer's Journey

[Kramer]

I don’t want people to get the wrong idea, and think that I am trying to vilify my wife and make her out to be a horrible person. I am simply trying to look at things objectively and look at the whole picture instead of a snapshot in time. I am trying to figure out why I acted the way that I did (emotional distance, emotional neglect, selfishness, and not showing her respect). While it is 100% on her for initiating the affair and filing for divorce, I readily accept the blame for my behaviors that put her in that position to begin with.

I have to come to terms that my wife is selfish, self centered, and shallow. She entered into her affair and kept it a secret for at least 3 months until I discovered it. She completely neglected me and her children while in the midst of it. She was on the phone all of the time and I did all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, and family responsibilities. I cooked dinner and hosted 30 people in her family for Christmas and Thanksgiving. I bought the Christmas gifts for everyone and decorated the house because she had checked out.

When I discovered the affair and confronted my wife, there was no talk of reconciliation or counseling. She immediately filed for divorce, and was angry at me because I exposed the affair to the family. She never had an in depth conversation with me, and most of our “communication” has been emails and text messages.

She has placed me in the middle of conflict with her teenagers and made me be the disciplinarian, while telling them something entirely different and making me the “bad guy”. For years, I have been telling her that we need to prepare them to leave the nest and to get them ready for adult life. She constantly told me that they could stay with us as long as they liked, and continued to pay their bills and coddled them.

Fast forward to today: none of them have jobs. The 17 year old is a high school dropout. One of the 19 year olds is a new father. They live with her, and nobody cleans or does dishes. There are 3 dogs in the house, and I’m told there is dog poop everywhere that they refuse to clean up. Dope smoking is rampant. When we all lived together, I did all of those things. I enjoyed cooking for the family and also enjoyed cleaning and doing dishes. I provided some stability and oversight. That is all gone now.

None of this makes me happy. I love my wife and family, and I miss our time together. However, I now also see the tremendous stress that was present in our daily lives. When we functioned as a team, we could do anything and get through the stress. However, once we stopped communicating effectively and drifted apart, the stress overtook us. I became angry and resentful, and started putting up walls. In retrospect, I should have communicated my needs and done a better job of communicating. My actions in turn led to her becoming withdrawn and vulnerable, and we all see where it ended up. I accept my part, but I DO blame her for having the affair and running away, instead of buckling down and doing the hard work necessary to improve things.

We raised 9 kids and 8 grandchildren together, and there was light at the end of the tunnel. Now there is nothing but heartache, uncertainty, chaos, and shattered dreams. I blame her for that. And that’s why I cannot be her friend at this time.

I hope it was worth it…