Day Two

[Lifes Twists]

So I thought some more about the conversation I had with me ex on Monday. I also talk to my middle daughter about how she feels her mother is doing. She said that everything thinks mom my try again. So I contacted her oldest sister to let her know my concerns about where x is right now in her unhappiness. We had a good conversation and she told me most of the family has the same concerns. I got the hint they are all getting resolved to loosing her.

So I slept more on it and got up the next morning and sent her the following email:

"You asked me if I was happy on Monday. The answer to that is yes and no.

I am happy that I have had the opportunity to work on my relationship with our daughters. That I am here to see them grow up into the beautiful women that together we have raised. They are not perfect. Like you, I wish I could get them to help out a little bit. Every time I turn around the sink is full. it seems like a bottomless pit of dirty dishes that will never go away. I ask myself,"Where did we go wrong?" Then there is the little things that make me smile. Their laughter off in the distance, when they come at the last minute asking for help, when they do come to talk and seek advice. Its these times that I know that together we have raised some wonderful people. Thats when I am happy.

I am not happy when I think about what happened between us. How I should have done more. How I should have put you first on everything. How I should have taken care of you first. I realize how immature I was and how selfish too. I think about what I would do differently if I could do it over. I am not happy about having to start over. At times the future look bleak to me and I sink into a hole. Those are the times I am my saddest because I realize I blew it.

Last year was the darkest time of my life. When I think about how close we came to loosing you I find myself tearing up and have to find a quiet place to compose myself. I pray to GOD everyday. I ask him to watch over you and the girls, to help all of you to find the path he has chosen for you, to give you special attention and help you to find that happiness that is locked up somewhere inside of you. I thank him for keeping you with us and allowing you to continue to be the great mom you have been to our daughters. I am thankful that you have gotten through this first year and hope for many more to come.

Things are definitely not where either of us hoped they would be. I hope that we can find a way to at least be friends. To maybe take a walk once in a while. To maybe catch a movie here and there. To have someone to share all the wonderful memories with that we have created raising our girls. Who else can I rely on to help me get through dealing with the grand kids who will be coming along soon I am sure.

J***, you are not old. You are like a fine wine that keeps getting better with age. Celebrate that you have come this far and accomplished a lot along the way. Give yourself a lot of credit for how these girls are turning out. They would not have turned out as great as they are without you. Move forward with your head held high. You have earned it."

I was pleasantly surprised to get a text from her today that she appreciated the email.

Not sure how to go forward from here. Am I pressuring too much ?