new here.... burned out.

[Zues126]

YBT- good for you for standing by your M and recognizing that the jerk he is now (and the inconsideration he has shown) is not a true reflection of who he is as a person and the value he might prove to have as an H in the future. There are no guarantees, however it definitely makes sense to exhaust your options before tearing apart a family. It stinks because it hurts so much, but hopefully this is the rock bottom your family needs to make changes.

It seems you both feel very stuck. You are saying as much, stuck both physically with the children and emotionally with your inability to control your H's behavior.

Yet the sense I get from him is that he's stuck as well. He, too, is in a lot of pain and probably doesn't understand it or have a clue how to do anything about it.

This is an intro post so I don't presume to have any answers. What I can tell you is that the M needs to get unstuck, and that you are probably capable of doing that. The M is a dance, and if you change your half the dance it will change the whole dynamic. The hard part is that the dances we're in the middle of are so ingrained we don't even realize they're changable.

To use an example, it would be like if both of you went out weekly to the same restaurant. You both ordered the same meal. To 'change it up', you would sometimes get different sides, or a different beverage with your meal. You are stuck. You are trying to think of changes, but all you can think is 'maybe I should get a soup this week...' The reality is that you might need to try a different meal, or a different restaurant, or maybe even a home cooked meal.

My point is that you really need to step back and have a beginner's mind about your entire sitch. It is very hard to see beyond the patterns we're involved in, and very hard to see past the pain you're in, as well as the arguments and interactions that have no doubt played out for years.

I know he won't let you drop a quarter in a gumball machine without sounding an alarm, but do you have any family or friends that could help you get a DB coach or an IC? They are there to help you break free of this mold.

Before you tell me this is impossible I need to challenge you on that- this is an EMERGENCY. A TRUE FAMILY CRISIS. I believe it is critical that you get some help to break the mold here or I fear it will just be a matter of time before one or both of you feels that 'it can never be different'. And while we can try to help on the forums and Michelle writes a great book, this isn't the time to go coach and hope that you can solve the puzzle on your own. The biggest regret that we see on these forums is that "I didn't realize how bad it was, I just wish we'd have tried everything, we didn't even go to counceling"...you will be saying those words in 3-6 months if you don't do something NOW.

So that's my pitch on swallowing your pride and asking for help from a friend/family member to get some additional help. Beyond that, please keep posting and do what you can to zoom WAY out and be very openminded. Sometimes our thoughts get in the way, and if we just sit back and observe what's going on insights can present themselves.

Hang in YBT.