Hello! A sweet friend who was listening to my troubles told me to get Divorce Busting and join this forum. I recently finished the book, and here I am. Burned out, barely hanging on, but desperately wanting my marriage back. Here is my story...
this is long and rambling, I'm sorry.
Been married for 11 years. We are in our mid 30s. We have 3 kids- 7, 5, almost 2.
Up until now we've dealt with problems by ignoring them. not the best. we never argue bc we both just ignore problems.
his work has always come first. always. I hate that. his dad was the same way, so he sees it as being ambitious and providing for our future. he works 60+ hours a week, plus a 2.5 hour commute both ways. he works these hours out of choice, he hates walking away from unsolved problems and his job is always throwing new problems out, plus he likes being the superstar there.
About 8 years ago, I came close to cheating on him. i was tired of feeling ignored. a guy at work always complimented with me, flirted with me, etc. made me feel pretty and special and important. I didn't cheat, but I certainly did look forward to coming into work and flirting with this guy. I had to opportunity to cheat and I walked away and told this guy it was over, that I needed my marriage.
I kept this to myself but I think my husband (who is very paranoid) suspected something bc he was always making comments alluding to me being unfaithful. nothing direct, just things like, "oh is that your boyfriend?" when my phone would ring, always trying to read over my shoulder if I was on the computer, etc. I felt terribly guilty so I confessed. (yes, i confessed to not cheating on him. but still i shouldn't have been in a situation where it even came close) At this point we had our first child, who was a baby, so my confession was at least a year after the fact)
All this time, as well, my drive was almost non-existant. partially bc the husband always ignored me, but also because I was always on hormones for birth control which always kill all desire for me. sO I'm sure my lack of interest in being physical didn't help his outlook.
Anyway, things were tense for a bit but they eased back into normalcy. I thought it was him being ok, but it turns out it was him ignoring problems. He told me recently that he actually wanted to kick me out but he didn't bc we had a baby. He admitted that he isn't sure if it was the fact that I could have cheated, or if it was just that he had issues with the guy, his high school girlfriend apparently DID cheat on him with the same guy, but we are talking more than 10 years previous!) He also told me recently that he spent years expecting to "catch" me with someone if he came home unexpectedly, always expecting to find another car in the driveway, etc. I have never been unfaithful to this man, other than being guilty of flirting with someone once, 8 years ago.
SO I think things are fine, but he goes through periods of being icy and being ok. We have a second child. I still think things are fine but now he is working more and more and more. After our first was born I quit my job to be a SAHM which i begged and begged him to do. he is only so-so with being okay with me staying home. it's apparently embarassing that his friends all have career wives and I don't. I work part time with a business I run but he views that as my play time and won't take it seriously.
We have a second kid and now he isn't getting home until right before the kids go to bed. he is never home for dinner and I'm on my own, but at least he helps out with bedtime.
We have a third kid (I really wanted three and he never said anything contrary so I thought it was ok). We move to a bigger house, and of course he wants a super expensive fancy house. he is keen on what other people think.
He is now getting downright rude. He is now working until past when the kids go to bed so I am solo 100% of the time with the kids. He walks out of the room when I'm speaking to him, he ignores me. it's awful. I contemplate leaving but I have no job and no money and no where to go.
Finally, last september he starts talking. he doesn't know if he wants to be married. it's classic mid life crisis I think. he hates being burdened down with bills and responsibilities. he loves me but he's not in love with me. all he does is work and play xbox. he's always playing on the phone around the kids. he doesn't want to lose the kids, and he isn't 100% that he wants to leave so we've been living in limbo ever since while he tries to decide what he wants to do.
I'm living in hell. I'm solo parenting 3 young kids. he is never home and I'm not allowed to pay for a babysitter so I can't ever leave the house to be an adult or do anything or me. I don't know how I am supposed to get a life like the book says because I'm trapped at home and caring for a crazy active toddler, a preschooler who is in school only half days, and then a first grader is exhausting. all i do all day is drive the kids to and from various schools and activities. and you know kids, all they do is dump crap on the floor.
I'm trying to work on the things he complains about but now I'm stressed all the time bc his number one complaint was that the house wasn't clean when he gets home. he works 14 hour days and it pisses him off to come home to a mess. ok, i am trying to see his point, but now I never get to enjoy my kids bc any time we are home I am yelling at them to clean up, clean up faster, bc we are rushing through me cooking, eating, cleaning the clutter, rushing them through bedtime and into bed, and then I sit down to work, so I can't clean after they are in bed. Our house is massive and I can't keep up with it alone but he won't go for a house cleaner either, even though we can afford it.
I'm not allowed to spend money. i asked for an allowance so I can save up if i want clothes or shoes or even a damn apple watch (I want one but he said no) and he said if I had an allowance I'd just spend it. if I spend money I've earned instead of "his" money they he gets pissed that I get to buy whatever I want while he works and gets nothing. but he can go out and buy whatever he wants on a whim. He's even added my favorite coffee shop to its own category to online baking so he can track how much i spend there. he reviews the bank account every day and grills me on charges outside of the grocery store and target. Sometimes I can get away with taking my toddler out to lunch if we are running errands, though.
I have to beg his family to babysit when I have weeknight appointments for work. and let's just say that doctor and dentist appts aren't pretty with several kid on my lap mid-examination, ha.
I'm just exhausted from being the solo parent, never being able to get away (even on weekends, he sleeps in, plays on his phone, etc and I still have to carry the weight, plus it's the only time the kids see us doing anything as a family and that's important to them. I do leave at least once each weekend for work for a few hours, but that's still work and not anything for me personally) and expected to do everything. I can't maintain a spotless house every day with 3 young kids, plus have homecooked meals every night (he gets upset if he comes home from work and there isn't a new homecooked meal in the fridge for him), stay on top of laundry for 5, get each kid to their activity (they aren't in much but with 3 of them it adds up), plus work while the kids are sleeping (bc I can't work when the toddler is awake, she's i a destructive age)... I haven't slept more than 5 hours at night in years. I do have a gym membership and I try to workout 3 times a week, sometimes 4, because that hour that the kids are in the childcare room is heaven to me.
I just wish he could be my cheerleader. I had some really exciting things happen recently and he didn't care.
And I don't know how to work on me if I can't ever get time to myself. lately he's been working until midnight, and leaving around 7/7:30 right as the kids are getting up in the morning. We used to share household duties. now the only thing he does it take the trash cans back to the house each week after they've been emptied. because he works, so it shouldn't be his job to lift a finger when he's off.
I have messed up a lot. I realized I kept focusing on me when we talked, and trying to get him to hear my grievances, but the book showed me that was wrong, as much as it [censored] to never say "help I'm drowning, I can't do this alone"
I've also pursued him too much. after he told me all this, i smothered him. i'd be aimlessly following him around and he'd be pissed bc he wanted to play video games but couldn't bc I wouldn't leave him alone. for christmas i made him a jar full of love notes and after 3 months i saw he only took 4 of them out so I took it away, I realized it was putting pressure on him.
so now I am trying to detach, but still be available should he want me. We've stopped being intimate. i was the only one initiating 90% of the time, and even then he'd ignore my advances most of the time, but sometimes he'd give in. he told me that he feels too guilty to be physical bc he isn't sure how he feels about me. it kills me not to kiss him goodnight or say "I love you" on the phone or when he leaves.
He tells me that he doesn't know who he is. he has no idea what makes him happy, no idea what turns him on, or what he's passionate about. and then he says that the problem is our relationship. (which I know is total BS) I told him that if he can't make himself happy, there is no way he will ever be happy with me.
We've been in limbo for so long that I wish he would freaking decide already so I can move on with my life. if he wants to leave, then freaking leave so I can find a job and a place to live and work on healing the hurt. if he wants to stay then freaking commit to this marriage and stop being so self centered and lazy.
I'm at a breaking point. I DO want this marriage to work. he's not a total jerk at heart, I know it's the MLC doing the talking. but he's being a total jerk now.
There have been babysteps, though. he's started calling to check in about 6pm if he's not wrapping up at work. Yesterday he actually came home by 7:30, in time to help with kid bedtime, and I was SHOCKED.
But I still feel so bitter. he can make it home for his kickball league games. he can leave work for business happy hours, he can leave work for time with his dad and brothers. but not for the kids stuff at schools and never for me. I mean, he does big things like he will go to preschool graduation, but not for like school events in the evening like the art show, etc. He knows that he never has to worry about who has the kids for anything he wants to do, and he knows he will never adjust his schedule to care for the kids if there is something I want to do.
He told me that I don't actually love him, that I have stockholm syndrome. maybe it's true. (sarcastic laugh)
I hate walking on eggshells all the time, being so fearful of the straw that breaks the camel's back that will make him walk away from us. He refuses counselling. I hate that I never have fun with the kids bc I'm always stressed out angry mommy bc we have to get the house clean before bed so I don't get in trouble. And it's never clean-clean, it's just the general clutter of life with 3 young kids.
oh, and he told me recently (mind you our third kid is almost 2) that he didn't think he wanted a third kid bc he didnt think our marriage would survive it, but he never breathed a word of that to me. he just went along with it.
I feel for him that he's been miserable for so long, but he hid it away and I had no freaking clue!
His family is my only support system and I clearly can't talk to them about it. I feel so trapped.
