Thank you, Minman. It helps to have your thoughts down here so we can support you in your DB journey. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For starters.
-What were some of the issues that led to the M's breakdown? -What are/were some of W's legitimate complaints about me that I really need to change and/or improve on?
We were really codependent with each other. W felt that I didn't contribute to taking care of the household. She felt more like a mother than a wife.
Have you ever taken on any of the household chores during the M? What were some that you took on? What were those of W's?
She was depressed, I think she was unhappy with her job. She had a lot of negative things to say about her work/co-workers. She would complain just about every day about her job. It got to the point where I asked her to only tell me positive things about her day.
This is where validation can go a long way. It doesn't mean that you have to jump in and fix them for her. You can change the dynamic by going around the table and ask what were some of the thorns and what were some roses that happened during the day.
I was depressed about my job and outlook on the future of my career. I enjoy talking/interacting with people and my job is very secluded.
What type of work do you do here?
I was financially restrictive.
In what way do you feel that you're "financially restrictive"? What do you mean by that?
We didn't communicate well. We were speaking different love languages and I wondered often if she even did love me.
Communication isn't always about LL necessarily. Can you please describe some examples of how you think that you two didn't communicate well?
We didn't handle each other's emotions well. She bottled up her emotions and tried to protect me from having to deal with her emotions. In comparison I was really needy in having my emotions dealt with. (i.e. when she was sad she would just listen to music and not want to talk, when I was sad I would want to be held, comforted, and talked to.)
We learn our own patterns from FOO. Growing up, what did you learn about emotions? How was that modeled in your family? How did your ILs model theirs?
We didn't attend/support each other's needs really all that well either.
What does being supportive look like to you? How would you do this differently?
She said we were best friends but not good husband and wife material.
I sense that W is hinting at her own need for emotional intimacy that is lacking in the M. Thoughts?
-Why do I feel the need to defend every single thing I say/do?
First instinct would say that I do it when others judge me with little/weak/no evidence. In my line of work you're either right or you're a joke. Its easy for someone detached from that sitch to say "well just don't let the judgements" get to you, but that is harder in practice.
Again, we'd like to know your line of work to understand your mindset a bit better.
As zew said "You cannot successfully filter that on a person by person basis -- it will leak out when you least expect it."
Speculation here is that this is how I treat people IRL/to their faces. How many "nice guys" (as in NMMNG) actually do that?
-How can I learn from other posters who post to me?
How can I best how I feel about this? I'll put it in the context of puzzle games. I can't play puzzle games. I know solutions exist and it's merely a matter of applying the solution to the puzzle/problem at hand. I find solving problems that have already been solved by others to be boring and a waste of time. That being said I realize that while my sitch might be similar to others, it is my own unique sitch that needs solving.
Are you an engineer by any chance?
I keep posting to journal and review what I've said and felt during this process. I read and think about what others post. I try to determine if the posts are opinion, truth, knowledge or wisdom. As people have said we don't know each other and we have only what's posted here on the forum to gauge our opinions of others. Even my IC has laughed off some of the accusations of control issues brought up here.
We are all working with what you post here and we are generally pretty good at sniffing out some BS. What you tell IC is your own affair.
-Can I learn to let things go?
I'm trying. During my childhood I was lead to believe that its part of my heritage to hold long and hard grudges against people. Not the healthiest of behaviors to have.
For now I'm trying my best to ignore things that bug me. Maybe I'm using that as a pessimistic approach to acceptance/detachment.
Can you please let us know a bit more about your heritage and how it influences one's ability to hold grudges?
Getting the D papers is really testing my resolve to let things go. Do I let go and just let the D happen on her terms or do I lawyer up and try to get what ever I may have owed to me? One route seems vindictive, the other seems strategic. My IC says I need to act less strategically and more authentically.
What do you want to do? Save the M? Throw in the towel?
-What were/are some of my FOO issues that contributed to the breakdown?
Family of origin?? My mom is really codependent on me and my brother. It set the stage badly for the beginning of the relationship between the W and me.
Where's your father in this picture? Are you the eldest? What is your mother like?
W's family is really detached. To the point where they don't seem to care about her. She latched on to me and I believe that led to her codependency on me.
What were/are the dynamics you've observed of W's family? Parents? Siblings?
See above.
-Which specific behaviors, patterns, actions that I need to address with IC?
control issues anger management codependency anxious attachments negative self image
I'm glad to see that you're working on those issues with your IC. Keep going!
