Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

[Miman2]

For starters.

-What were some of the issues that led to the M's breakdown?
-What are/were some of W's legitimate complaints about me that I really need to change and/or improve on?

We were really codependent with each other.
W felt that I didn't contribute to taking care of the household.
She felt more like a mother than a wife.

She was depressed, I think she was unhappy with her job.
She had a lot of negative things to say about her work/co-workers. She would complain just about every day about her job. It got to the point where I asked her to only tell me positive things about her day.

I was depressed about my job and outlook on the future of my career. I enjoy talking/interacting with people and my job is very secluded.

I was financially restrictive.

We didn't communicate well. We were speaking different love languages and I wondered often if she even did love me.

We didn't handle each other's emotions well. She bottled up her emotions and tried to protect me from having to deal with her emotions. In comparison I was really needy in having my emotions dealt with. (i.e. when she was sad she would just listen to music and not want to talk, when I was sad I would want to be held, comforted, and talked to.)

We didn't attend/support each other's needs really all that well either.

She said we were best friends but not good husband and wife material.

-Why do I feel the need to defend every single thing I say/do?

First instinct would say that I do it when others judge me with little/weak/no evidence. In my line of work you're either right or you're a joke. Its easy for someone detached from that sitch to say "well just don't let the judgements" get to you, but that is harder in practice.

As zew said
"You cannot successfully filter that on a person by person basis -- it will leak out when you least expect it."

Speculation here is that this is how I treat people IRL/to their faces.
How many "nice guys" (as in NMMNG) actually do that?


-How can I learn from other posters who post to me?

How can I best how I feel about this? I'll put it in the context of puzzle games.
I can't play puzzle games. I know solutions exist and it's merely a matter of applying the solution to the puzzle/problem at hand. I find solving problems that have already been solved by others to be boring and a waste of time. That being said I realize that while my sitch might be similar to others, it is my own unique sitch that needs solving.

I keep posting to journal and review what I've said and felt during this process.
I read and think about what others post. I try to determine if the posts are opinion, truth, knowledge or wisdom. As people have said we don't know each other and we have only what's posted here on the forum to gauge our opinions of others. Even my IC has laughed off some of the accusations of control issues brought up here.

-Can I learn to let things go?

I'm trying. During my childhood I was lead to believe that its part of my heritage to hold long and hard grudges against people. Not the healthiest of behaviors to have.

For now I'm trying my best to ignore things that bug me. Maybe I'm using that as a pessimistic approach to acceptance/detachment.

Getting the D papers is really testing my resolve to let things go.
Do I let go and just let the D happen on her terms or do I lawyer up and try to get what ever I may have owed to me?
One route seems vindictive, the other seems strategic. My IC says I need to act less strategically and more authentically.

-What were/are some of my FOO issues that contributed to the breakdown?

Family of origin?? My mom is really codependent on me and my brother. It set the stage badly for the beginning of the relationship between the W and me.

W's family is really detached. To the point where they don't seem to care about her. She latched on to me and I believe that led to her codependency on me.

See above.


-Which specific behaviors, patterns, actions that I need to address with IC?

control issues
anger management
codependency
anxious attachments
negative self image