In reply to Wonka's last post on the old thread .. bringing it here as that one will be locked soon
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Hey Wonka, I have been around several marriages where the spouse wanted back in before they had worked through their stuff.
That's assuming that it was done without IC and MC??
When they went to MC, the therapist felt that there was no way it would work and encouraged them to give up. Now some of that was because a couple of the therapists werent pro marriage.
This is what we usually talk about around here in DB. Bad MC therapist can do more harm than good. In Cali's case, I believe he is doing his due diligence when researching MCs. I do not belive this bad MC will be the case here. So we can scratch this off the list of concerns.
Some went and the spouse was still stuck in their stuff and it went badly. Another one went to be able to say they tried. Another hadnt done the work and decided it was just too hard.
Again, I sense that it was something we usually talk about in DB when there's a WAS...not a MLcer. I do think the differences between a simple WAS and MLCer impacts how one approaches MC.
So, I feel strongly that they both need to be of similar mindset in terms of where they are in wanting to save their marriage and that the MLCer has made some strides in doing the work.
I have a bit of a problem with this section right there. As you have read around in the MLC forum for a long time, most often one can see that the MLCer and the long-standing LBS are usually not of the similar mindset. It is as if the MLCer is catching up and looking to the LBs as the wingman to re-boot their M. You only have to see Raine and rH's threads to recognize it.
They (MCLers) usually look to the LBS for cues for unconditional love and pointing them in the right direction with loving guidance. If we qualify attending MC with this provsion that the MLCer must make "great strides" first, then it's a crapshoot because how one makes "great strides" is a subjective measurement.
I want to point out that Cali's W has been asking about MC which is highly unusual of a former MLCer just coming out of the tunnel and she's taking the initiative which is even more special. In my mind, the more Cali puts off the MC due to his ongoing unresolved fears, it will be detrimental to the new Cali M.
The mindset does not have to be similar, but the INTENT behind it is...which is trying to chart a new path forward with the expert guidance of a qualified professional versed in solution-based MC threapy. I just think that trying to do this DIY by themselves is doing the M, and the family a great disservice.
I wouldn't dream of doing my taxes without a qualified CPA, changing a gasket in the car without a mechanic, etc.
Not saying it will happen, just that it could.
Make sense?
I think this is one of the reasons this place is amazing ... angles opinions and perspective from so many different views and lucky for me I get to benefit.
Like I said earlier, the fact W wants MC is huge, however I do agree with uR on a level, gut feel here, if the MLCr really is going to use MC more as an IC is that going to work, is it fair to the M, we are not working on us if she is working on her, thats my take/fear/concern. But I also see Wonka's view that it could be completely defeating that W has repeatedly said she wants MC knowing that its a way to repair the damage done, and if I stall side step it would appear I want none of that nor the possible new M that she is offering.
So what is the answer, its not an easy one. As I mentioned I have done my due diligence in the MC search, and 0-6, 6 good MC's, great reviews and all booked. I joked with one saying its really difficult to stay employed and get a MC who has an open schedule, seems easy to have a M that needs tons of help.
I have talked more openly to W about the search and the frustrations with it. For the past couple weeks I had been quietly looking, W took this as me not wanting MC, was building up and came out during the spat we had last Saturday, I quickly told her at that time I had contacted 4 MCs and they all have been booked, that I was researching and continuing to look, her tone changed and asked why I had not told her, we talked it out ... but as Wonka hinted this is a issue with W. So I think I have found a solution, a compromise if you will. We talked yesterday while she was driving home some and Retrouvaille came up, I emailed her the information and she said she received it, was the same info she got at the Parish center. Our issue, one that we have discussed over the past couple years, was how we put S in between us, lost 'us' and with this retreat we would need to find a place for him. We regrettable do not have many friends, none who we would say .. "Hey can you watch S for the weekend" something we both want to fix ... ironically we needed to GAL more and meet similar couples but we just never really did that. I expressed even after we figure out what to do with S, we need to have time for us again. In my head I thought ... its not something that we had to worry about while we were separated .. when she had S I was GALing, while I had him she was able to bond with OM, but now that we are trying to reconnect its trying to do so and not make S feel like we are leaving him out ... this is an issue we need to address and fix.
Anyways ... Retrouvaille is in late June, W brought up there is one in Sept, not sure which one we will try to attend. I am not so sure we would make it till Sept, but then again June is coming on like a freight train ... we will talk about it and figure it out this weekend I hope.
