Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. I've been away for a while and thought it was time for a new thread. My last thread can be found here:

Nuggets

Just rambling:

I think I'm doing better these days. I don't let garbage from XW bother me so much anymore.

I recently got a decent raise at work. I've been here 10 months and have already received two raises. I just wish I could save. Still living paycheck to paycheck.

I visited a therapist twice last month. I just have a hard time talking to a stranger face to face about my "stuff." I'm not sure if I'm going to go back.

My little rattie is still alive....just very very feeble. I'm ashamed to admit this but I've actually cried/grieved for her more than I did for my own mom. THAT is sad. Very sad. Again, I'm not proud of that.

I still have a relationship with my "friend" at work....but we are just friends. I'm fine with it.

S22 had another show last night. XW missed it again. She has missed 2 in a row now after telling him that she will attend every one.

I've lost a lot of weight. Maybe too much. I gave up soda and started drinking water in order to lose weight, but it seems too easy. I've lost it very fast. I've lost 3-4 inches off my waist just since about February. I suspect I might be diabetic.

I've noticed I've become very superstitious. (sp?) I've always been a little, but seem to be worse lately when it comes to black cats...broken mirrors....

UrWorthy, I sent a friend request to you on the DB FB page.

Overall, I do believe (hope) that I am pretty much done with the XW stuff. If I'm not done, I'm getting better because things just don't bother me as much as they used to.

For some reason, I notice that I appreciate the "little things" a bit more than I used to: talks with my boys, the rain, a bird singing, a passing butterfly. I'm really starting to fall in love with nature. I'm not sure why. The old me could care less. As I've said before, I think maybe I am going through some type of change....I don't know. I'm just different in so many ways.

I seem to have more compassion for people and animals. (Mostly animals)

I've decided that if I can save a little money, I'm going to travel to Northern Arizona in the late summer. They have cabins up there that are actually built up in the trees like a tree house. I want to go just to get away from everything and everybody and maybe enjoy a little solitude and nature. I need it. I'd really like to take the boys, but to be honest, I just need some me time.

S29 is thinking about marrying his girlfriend. I hope he doesn't rush it.

After being smoke free for just over three months, I've started smoking again. I'm still trying to quit, but I've had a lot of slips...

I haven't heard from my only living brother in over a year. His daughter hasn't heard from him since December. She has told me though that he is back on drugs. Drugs are what did my little brother in. He was on Heroine the night he killed himself. I really do have a feeling that I may never see him again.

I would really like to start dating again, but there are some days that I want no part of it. It would just be nice to have someone to share things with or to confide in. On the other hand, I'm almost glad that I'm single. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Now if I just had a little more money....

Mostly, my days are good but....there are days that are bad...really really bad. Probably 80-90 percent of them though are due to my rat getting old. NOT because of XW.

Sometimes, right out of the blue, I'll ask myself if this is how I want my life to be/continue. The answer is no, but I don't really know what to do about it.

I'm slowly getting out more but still not as much as I should.

Realized yesterday that this coming August 30th would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. THIRTY FRICKIN YEARS! And....it still baffles me how someone can just throw that away and erase it.

My eyesight is declining. I got a new pair of glasses with bifocals last month and they have helped a little. Sometimes though I really find myself squinting and struggling to see things on my computer screen. It is starting to affect my work. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I sit in the dark all night at work.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I don't think any of my boys are visiting XW. I shouldn't, but I feel bad. They've already made plans for me for Father's Day. We are all planning on going bowling and maybe a barbecue later in the day.

My boys are visiting and communicating with XW less and less. My oldest son was at her house on Christmas and Easter. My youngest was there on Christmas. The two middle ones have NEVER been to her house or even met her husband. She continues to push them, but not as much as before.

I wanted to have my own place by August, but I don't think I'm going to be ready. I know the boys aren't ready.

Someone asked me the other day if I'll ever get married again. Honestly, I don't know. If I did, she would have to be someone very special that totally knocks me off my feet. I will tell you this: I will NEVER let another woman ever ever hurt me the way XW did. It's kind of sad though because I have to wonder if I will ever be able to let my guard down again. I guess I'm jaded.

I've received two different offers in three months to get back on the radio. I turned them both down. I just can't do it anymore. I had a 23-year career....an amazing career, but I can't. I have no desire to be a celebrity anymore. In fact, if I could, I'd move very very far away where nobody would know me. I guess I'm a little more introverted than I used to be.

I feel bad for my boys because I'm starting to see how this MLC/divorce stuff has affected them. Things could have and would have been so much different/better for them if we had stayed together.

Everyone always talks about the changes an MLCer goes through. I can honestly tell you that I have changed too. There is no way that I'm the same person I used to be. I truly believe that a spouse's MLC changes the LBS just as much if not more than the MLCers themselves. Has anyone else noticed changes in themselves once all the garbage has settled down?

XW's sister is now divorcing her third husband after ten years. I can't really say that this surprises me.

My anxiety seems to be worse when I have it, but I'm not having it as often. I guess that's the trade off. I'm still dreaming of plane crashes though.

I still feel like I'm watching myself from the outside. It's like I'm watching a movie. And my old life seems so very, very far away. I remember things and it seems so long ago...almost like a different lifetime.

Anyways, that's my latest. Just wanted to give an update since it has been a while. Overall, things are getting better.

Time. Time is a good thing...

Tad