The "talk" scheduled for Saturday..

[Zues126]

Friends like that need to learn to STFU sometimes. That is aggrivating.

I've learned not to try to explain that. I just don't talk to people like that about my sitch.

Not only that, for what it's worth...I wouldn't want to date ANY of those said friends. Yes, my standards are high in the area of outlook on M. I am done playing games. Anyone that wants to have an R with me in the future will be ready for a lifelong journey that is harder than climbing mount everest. No guarantees that I'll find a partner that will go the distance, but if was speed dating and knew they felt that way I wouldn't stick around the full 5 minutes (or whatever).

Oh, and do post those things here. It will be therapuetic and empowering.

[Bob723]

I know it's a tough spot.

What about writing out some devastating things that you'd hate to hear him say, then write out responses that you feel can validate without agreeing without debating?

Call me old fashioned. I work in the sales industry and I don't just show up to appointments and "wing it". If you think when you're full of adrenaline, your brain is skipping because it's going so fast, your heart is pounding, and you're having trouble breathing suddenly words of pure affirmation will magically bubble out of you as if you were a different person...well, I'd be a bit surprised. I believe that we don't rise to the level of our hopes, we fall to the level of our preparation.

Personally I would write out the 3-5 things you most fear hearing, plan responses, and practice them in the mirror. Then I'd have another 3 canned responses for stuff you didn't anticipate, more generic.

It will make you feel more confident to have a quiver full of arrows to fire back

This is awesome advice. When I find myself anxious about a meeting or event, it's usually mostly that I feel unprepared. PREPARE, and the anxiety level goes WAY down. And more importantly, the preparation will lead to you handling the various comments much, much better.

Starsky

Tulo,

I missed this earlier. I agree with Starsky that Z's advice is awesome!

I have to remember to do this, too.

You can get thru this, Tulo.

(((Tulo)))

[Tulo]

Thank you for your reply. Early morning here in Sweden and as usual mornings are the pits..

Yesterday was such a hectic day, and by the end of it I felt a bit better. A little "Well, if he doesn't want me he doesn't have to have me".. That came and went with the night.

I have so many questions that I don't know if I can ask without this becoming a pity-party.
We have gone from talking 10 times a day to not talking at all.
-Were we not even friends? -How come you just shut me out?
When we've got together his R with his kids were pretty bad. (They didn't want to stay at his place and so on. Now they do, and keep in constant contact.)
-Do you feel that now that you get the outside contact you need with them, and therefore don't need me, as much or not at all?
-Do you feel like I wouldn't understand you wanting to focus more on the kids, and that is why you feel like you don't want to continue with me?

It feels like he is so firm in his stance that he doesn't feel anything for me/or the same, that he doesn't even want to explore if he can find his way back to those feelings.
I know me backing off is what DB requires but at the moment it feels like I'm not only getting lost as his woman but as his friend too! That hurts, and I can't understand why..

I have started to think of my validation at our meeting. Will post them in separate post..

Thanks again for your reply!

[JellyB]

Hey lovely Tulo, I'm still here on the sidelines cheering for! Zeus has given you great advice for reflection. Bob his gentle kindness. You maybe missing your man's friendship, but in the mean time we will step up and in. . Xxxx thinking about you xxxx JB

[Tulo]

Things I'm scared of hearing and my planned replies..

Him: I've told you over and over again, but you don't seem to understand, I don't feel the same way about you any more. I don't want us to keep going.
Me: I understand it must be very hard for you when you feel like I don't listen or understand and I want to say how sorry I am that I've made you feel this way. I totally understand how difficult this must be for you.

Him: I want to focus on my kids, my work and nothing else.
Me: I understand that you feel the need to focus on your kids, especially now and that is one of the things I really appreciate you for. I would have liked it if we could have shared in this experience as I too only have your kids best at heart. But I'm glad that you have got them back, as I know how much you love them.
( It feels to me like when his kids didn't want to be with him, due to anger in regards to his and his ex's situation, he put loads of focus on me and our R. Now he gets lots more attention from them, and thus don't need me as much any more. Is there anyway I can ask him about this, without it being/sounding nasty? I'm really wondering if that could be it..)

Him: You said xxx and xxx and xxx and I don't understand why you felt the need to say that. It made me feel like crap, worthless or sad.
Me: I'm very sorry that I've hurt you like that. That was never my intention. I let my feelings get the better of me, and that is never ok and I appreciate you saying that to me as I want to grow and understand you and myself better.

I think I have done my best in explaining to you, where I was coming from, and even if that doesn't make it ok, I want you to know it wasn't coming from an evil heart. But I do want to say that I'm very VERY sorry that I've made you feel like this. I wish I'd had the chance to show you that I've taken this to heart and never want to make the same mistake again.

Him: (THIS IS MY WORST WORST ONE)
I don't miss you or even think about you when we're not in contact.
Me: That makes me sad to hear, as I don't feel the same. But I understand how difficult it must feel for you to both feel that way, and say that to me. I would have hoped that we could have tried to reconnect, as we both enjoy each others company. But I respect your wishes to much to try and force you, and myself enough not to beg. I just want you to be happy, and to have a wonderful R and a great life. With or without me!

Am I on the right track Zeus? I'm actually shaking as I write this.. I just wish wish wish there would be something that I could do to turn this around..

Thankful for any thoughts!!!

[Tulo]

Oh, Jelly B, so lovely to hear from you.. *hug*

This is just so hard. Shaking after writing my reply to Z, on what to say when he says bad stuff come Saturday..

Big hugs to you from me.. Trying to hang in there and your post makes it easier!

[JellyB]

Oh Tulo, it means so much doesn't it when you have the opportunity of contact. I get uncontrollable shakes every time I read a text or email from an my ex.

I'm by no means a DBing expert. But I wonder if less is more in these instances. The other thing that jumps out at me, is a bad habit I have in my communication. Making yourself responsible for how you man feels.

Well quiet frankly as many wise people here have told me and in a recent mental toughness course I did "you do not now or in the past have the remote control on his emotions thoughts and feelings". I guess I would encourage you to let him own his feelings and you own yours. You don't have the ability to make him feel anything.

I will leave the rest of the amazing advice to the more expert new comers and vets!

But know I am walking beside you down this road!

Btw you are stunning you look just as I though! Your dogs are beautiful!

[Tulo]

Thank you sweet JellyB! *hug*
Always makes me really happy when people like my darling dogs.. And thank you so much for your sweet comment about me, you are just so sweet beanie! It's so funny because I also have a picture in my mind what you look like, just by what we write to each other!

I will try and keep my cool and hope that some of the more experienced DB maybe will have some thoughts on my planned responses.

I'm going to go for a run soon, and try to pull good energy from it to keep me on the right path today. Only a few days to go, it's both scary and good I think.

All my best to you, as always!! HUGS!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

Your list of things you don't want to hear the answers too, is just like a script my W is using at the moment.

I, like you, are hearing the same things and not making anysense out of it all.

Found DB by accident and reading through some of the forums makes me realise that we aren't alone (even though it feels liek it) and talking through a forum helps heal things a little bit.

The thing that surprises you is the venom you get from your loved one wit no warning that it's coming.

[Tulo]

Thank you Huddy for your reply and I agree.. It feels so strange when you don't know where all this came from, I just wish he could have said something before he closed the door on us..

Sending you a big good luck and a hug, and hopes we come out of this stronger and happier with the ones we love!