Sorry, this sounds so rough, and for good reasons. You're amongst your peers here as we have felt the same. Thanks for sharing.
My best friend is helping me stay on the DB path. I've explained the method to him and gave him the link to my threads. He's read the vets, etc. The board is fine, but we're just black letters on a white background and we might not be there at exactly the right time, or perhaps you'll need to speak, or just have a presence. It's good to have a person, close and nearby, to keep us disciplined. I trust this friend very much, for some 25 years, and I run a lot of my ideas by him. I hope you can find someone near you. Someone who will be detached like us, but also invested in your success.
It seems like this idea of self-control is crucial to your sitch and life. We talked about your changes before, about your behavior in the M, now the not-so-DB actions and words. You probably shouldn't rely on sheer will to control your behavior and impulses. There might be deeper things that you need to resolve so that these impulses are not as strong. An avenue for you to explore.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
