Trying to Follow DB & DR (3)

[Miman2]

Nope.

[Miman2]

Last time she was over at the apartment she mentioned how she hadn't filed.

We talked about going to lunch the week after.
We each told each other that we should contact the other person to make plans.
I told her that I was giving her space and she said she didn't want to interrupt my plans.

I never reached out and she filed.
I can't help but feel that maybe if I had tried to reach out to her then maybe she wouldn't have filed.
Irrational thinking but it's still there in my mind.

She still hasn't responded about the cats.
I haven't said anything else to her.
I want to but I haven't.

[MrBond]

Did you ever reach out to her about her client that passed away?

You said you were emotionally distant from her before and was thinking about reaching out about that. Did you try reaching out to her at all after your get together?

[Miman2]

No, I didn't.
At the time I was trying to get some advice on that.
These were the only two posts I got that chimed in on the subject.

I think you're best to listen to the more detached part of you. Extending invites to your W may push her further away right now. If she needs you and wants to talk to you, she knows where you are...

I haven't gone back through your sitch but from your recent posts I would ask have you read about pursuit and distance. It would appear on the surface of it that as you're pulling away from your wife, you're changing the dynamic. As a result of this your W would like you to restart your pursuit of her so you two can do the same old dannce. Be strong and hold back from comforting your W at this time would be my advice right now.

And then there was this guy who only wanted to talk about something completely different.

I thought you wanted to stop the poly lifestyle since it got you to this point. So you still want to continue it?

In the end I convinced myself that it would be better if I didn't reach out to her.
Because it would lead her to pursuing me. Turns out I was wrong.

[Wonka]

Miman,

I am not sure if you saw this post or not:

It's best to engage in some introspection activities for your OWN benefit.

Questions To Ponder-What were some of the issues that led to the M's breakdown?
-What are/were some of W's legtimate complaints about me that I really need to change and/or improve on?
-Why do I feel the need to defend every single thing I say/do?
-How can I learn from other posters who post to me?
-Can I learn to let things go?
-What were/are some of my FOO issues that contributed to the breakdown?
-Which specific behaviors, patterns, actions that I need to address with IC?

Get cracking and really start to dig deep to discover who Miman is.....and then clean up your side of the street.

What I would like to see from you is to post some of your views to these questions^^. We cannot help you if you don't share your perspctives here on the possible issues that contributed to the M's breakdown.

[Mozza]

I wasn't going to write anything, and I'm still not sure it's a good idea, but I've decided to let you know that I'll stop following your sitch, at least for a while.

I don't get the sense that you're trying to better yourself or get this right. You're still obsessed with MrBond and really want to stick it to him, more than you are focused on your sitch. Many of use have tried to explain this to you and I would even call the recent posts an intervention. And now you just posted this "some guy" remark above. The snark again, the resentment. It is very likely that this is how you came across in your R with your WW, that you blamed her for your bad reactions, for your resentment, for your failure to understand. It could be in the past, but you make it your present and are setting it up as your future.

Right now, you just took what MrBond wrote, much more kindly than his usual style, and turned it into an accusation that needs to be denounced, rather than trying to move on and extract the good from it.

Oh, I'm not going to explain anymore, it really seems to be useless. I follow a small proportion of the sitches and I came here weeks ago because I had hope for you, I was in your corner when people piled up on you because of the poly thing, but now you've lost my interest. I hope you're charting a path that works for you because I wish you no ill.

By the way, I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. This filing business, I dread it more than I can explain. Always keep in mind that it gets better.

[Miman2]

I'm tired of having to explain myself, as others have said it's exhausting. So I'll try to keep this brief.

I'm not blaming anyone. I almost posted that with the previous post. But I didn't, I figured it would be too much explanation. Thought I could convey that with the last three lines. All "I" statements.

I'm taking responsibility for my decisions

In the end I convinced myself that it would be better if I didn't reach out to her.
Because it would lead her to pursuing me. Turns out I was wrong.

All I was doing was expressing the frustration I was facing when people were focusing on other things when I felt needed help on something else.

People can't seem to understand why this junkyard dog keeps barking the the people trying to free him. Maybe because he feels they're unhooking the chain around his collar instead of getting his foot out of the bear trap its in. Yes it ultimately sets him free but it's not the most urgent thing he's focused on in the moment.

People probably remember me asking for "helpful advice". Those interactions with that person is where that came from. Right or wrong that's my opinion and as you've all said we all should respect other people's opinions.

Wonka, I'm working on those. I'll update once I have something significant to report.

[claire7]

Wonka, I'm working on those. I'll update once I have something significant to report.

Looking forward to seeing that! Miman, this DB stuff is not for the feint of heart.. but the hard work I've done (yes, with some very tough love from folks here) has been life-changing. It's worth it. Look inward. We'll be cheering you on if you do, but as you can tell, there's not a lot of patience if you don't!

[Drew]

Okay, my two cents worth and then I'll probably back out for awhile ...

I don't think that you not reaching out to her caused her to file. Which isn't the end, by the way. Just one step on a road that you don't know where it ends.

I think you actually did pretty good when you went out to dinner with her. I think you showed her a different side of you and gave her a glimpse that things could be different. Cuz they need to be different, you know that right?

But when she visited the apartment to see the cats and pick up some of HER things? Yeah, not good. All she saw was the same ol' controlling, always right Miman. That's where you need to start. Not arguing with Mr. Bond. This is all on you. And it's not easy man. Been there.

DB is long term hard work.

[Miman2]

For starters.

-What were some of the issues that led to the M's breakdown?
-What are/were some of W's legitimate complaints about me that I really need to change and/or improve on?

We were really codependent with each other.
W felt that I didn't contribute to taking care of the household.
She felt more like a mother than a wife.

She was depressed, I think she was unhappy with her job.
She had a lot of negative things to say about her work/co-workers. She would complain just about every day about her job. It got to the point where I asked her to only tell me positive things about her day.

I was depressed about my job and outlook on the future of my career. I enjoy talking/interacting with people and my job is very secluded.

I was financially restrictive.

We didn't communicate well. We were speaking different love languages and I wondered often if she even did love me.

We didn't handle each other's emotions well. She bottled up her emotions and tried to protect me from having to deal with her emotions. In comparison I was really needy in having my emotions dealt with. (i.e. when she was sad she would just listen to music and not want to talk, when I was sad I would want to be held, comforted, and talked to.)

We didn't attend/support each other's needs really all that well either.

She said we were best friends but not good husband and wife material.

-Why do I feel the need to defend every single thing I say/do?

First instinct would say that I do it when others judge me with little/weak/no evidence. In my line of work you're either right or you're a joke. Its easy for someone detached from that sitch to say "well just don't let the judgements" get to you, but that is harder in practice.

As zew said
"You cannot successfully filter that on a person by person basis -- it will leak out when you least expect it."

Speculation here is that this is how I treat people IRL/to their faces.
How many "nice guys" (as in NMMNG) actually do that?


-How can I learn from other posters who post to me?

How can I best how I feel about this? I'll put it in the context of puzzle games.
I can't play puzzle games. I know solutions exist and it's merely a matter of applying the solution to the puzzle/problem at hand. I find solving problems that have already been solved by others to be boring and a waste of time. That being said I realize that while my sitch might be similar to others, it is my own unique sitch that needs solving.

I keep posting to journal and review what I've said and felt during this process.
I read and think about what others post. I try to determine if the posts are opinion, truth, knowledge or wisdom. As people have said we don't know each other and we have only what's posted here on the forum to gauge our opinions of others. Even my IC has laughed off some of the accusations of control issues brought up here.

-Can I learn to let things go?

I'm trying. During my childhood I was lead to believe that its part of my heritage to hold long and hard grudges against people. Not the healthiest of behaviors to have.

For now I'm trying my best to ignore things that bug me. Maybe I'm using that as a pessimistic approach to acceptance/detachment.

Getting the D papers is really testing my resolve to let things go.
Do I let go and just let the D happen on her terms or do I lawyer up and try to get what ever I may have owed to me?
One route seems vindictive, the other seems strategic. My IC says I need to act less strategically and more authentically.

-What were/are some of my FOO issues that contributed to the breakdown?

Family of origin?? My mom is really codependent on me and my brother. It set the stage badly for the beginning of the relationship between the W and me.

W's family is really detached. To the point where they don't seem to care about her. She latched on to me and I believe that led to her codependency on me.

See above.


-Which specific behaviors, patterns, actions that I need to address with IC?

control issues
anger management
codependency
anxious attachments
negative self image